Jokes

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cl15876
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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » September 16th, 2009, 11:53 am

CameronBornAndBred wrote:In honor of the colonoscopy outings here recently, ....

.... because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. ....
=)) =)) =)) =)) =))
CameronBornAndBred wrote:After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
I'm thinking this is one way road, nothing being packed here!!!! :-? :-? :-? =)) =)) =))
CameronBornAndBred wrote:....... Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
....
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me..
.....
This is killing me..... Vodka and "Dancing Queen" (I loved ABBA and that song!!!!! Can't get it out of my mind, TURN IT UP!!!!)
CameronBornAndBred wrote:On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
devildeac wrote: The folks on CT need to ask Lavabe and me for a refund because:

1. Our preps were NOWHERE near that fun :roll: .
2. Our descriptions before,during (?) and after our procdures were rudimentary compared to that manifesto.

Otherwise, I

:)) :)) :)) :)) :))
and
=)) =)) =)) =)) =))
and
:(( :(( :(( :(( :((
and
PIMP reading that. Freakin' hilarious.
And some folks thought Lavabe and I provided TMI about our tests :roll: .
I still have the recording if you would like me to post .... BWAAAAAAHHH BWAAAAAAHHH BWAAAAAAHHH =)) =)) =)) =)) :ymdevil:
windsor wrote:Sides aching...tears in eyes....I love Dave Barry.... =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

write my wife a note...... =)) =)) =)) =))
CB&B - great post! Like Windsor, when I saw #13, I really started rolling!!!!!! =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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windsor
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Re: Jokes

Post by windsor » September 16th, 2009, 6:37 pm

Not as funny as the colonoscopy, but amusing

A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant....
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old...


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are FEMALE......
All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost.
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cl15876
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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » September 16th, 2009, 6:41 pm

windsor wrote:Not as funny as the colonoscopy, but amusing

A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant....
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old...


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are FEMALE......
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) I don't know, this is UP there!!!! Very good!!!! :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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Re: Jokes

Post by DukieInKansas » September 26th, 2009, 10:41 pm

If this has already been posted, I apologize. I didn't re-read the thread and don't remember.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
Life is good!
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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » September 27th, 2009, 8:50 am

DukieInKansas wrote:If this has already been posted, I apologize. I didn't re-read the thread and don't remember.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: Poor kitty!!!!! :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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CameronBornAndBred
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » September 27th, 2009, 3:57 pm

DukieInKansas wrote: 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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Re: Jokes

Post by bjornolf » September 28th, 2009, 8:57 am

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
DukieInKansas wrote: 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
To paraphrase the movie "Up": It's funny because the cat died.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Rolvix » September 28th, 2009, 1:17 pm

So one time there was this college named unc...
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Re: Jokes

Post by knights68 » September 30th, 2009, 9:35 am

Two antennas got married.
The wedding wasn’t great ….. but the reception was! :joking: =))
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Re: Jokes

Post by knights68 » September 30th, 2009, 9:38 am

I need funnies today, come on.... give me your best shots! We need laughter for this Mid-Week!
I started the ball rolling... your turn... move the ball
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » September 30th, 2009, 9:50 am

knights68 wrote:Two antennas got married.
The wedding wasn’t great ….. but the reception was! :joking: =))
That's horrible! :))
Duke born, Duke bred, cooking on a grill so I'm tailgate fed.
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » September 30th, 2009, 9:52 am

knights68 wrote:I need funnies today, come on.... give me your best shots! We need laughter for this Mid-Week!
I started the ball rolling... your turn... move the ball
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
Blatantly stealing from Shammrog's facebook status...
The Energizer Bunny was arrested! Charged with battery!
Duke born, Duke bred, cooking on a grill so I'm tailgate fed.
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Re: Jokes

Post by knights68 » September 30th, 2009, 9:58 am

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
Blatantly stealing from Shammrog's facebook status...
The Energizer Bunny was arrested! Charged with battery!
=)) =)) there ya go, excellent!!!!!! =))
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Drag Racing

Post by knights68 » September 30th, 2009, 11:25 am

Illegal Drag Racing, I find drag racing very disturbing and such a waste of time.
A friend of a friend of a friend of mine who works for the Los Angeles Police Department received the photo (below) of a drag race that went horribly bad.
It's kind of disturbing to look at but it serves as a reminder of what can happen when drag races occur.

[img]drag%20racing.jpg[/img]
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Re: Drag Racing

Post by devildeac » September 30th, 2009, 11:47 am

knights68 wrote:Illegal Drag Racing, I find drag racing very disturbing and such a waste of time.
A friend of a friend of a friend of mine who works for the Los Angeles Police Department received the photo (below) of a drag race that went horribly bad.
It's kind of disturbing to look at but it serves as a reminder of what can happen when drag races occur.

[img]drag%20racing.jpg[/img]
:roll:
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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Re: Drag Racing

Post by windsor » September 30th, 2009, 12:40 pm

knights68 wrote:Illegal Drag Racing, I find drag racing very disturbing and such a waste of time.
A friend of a friend of a friend of mine who works for the Los Angeles Police Department received the photo (below) of a drag race that went horribly bad.
It's kind of disturbing to look at but it serves as a reminder of what can happen when drag races occur.

[img]drag%20racing.jpg[/img]

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Top 10 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating Fried Butter

Post by knights68 » September 30th, 2009, 12:57 pm

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating Fried Butter
10."Will my heart 'splode?"
9."Can I get mine with bacon?"
8."How close is the nearest emergency room?"
7."Does it come with butter?"
6."What is that pain in my chest?"
5."Would this be tasty with gravy?"
4."How many daily servings of fried butter does the USDA recommend?"
3."Should I be 'heart smart' and get the fried margarine?"
2."Do I wanna be sweatin' butter all day?"
1."What would Michael Moore/Rush Limbaugh/ insert your favorite fatass here do?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by knights68 » September 30th, 2009, 1:00 pm

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of the 5 actually enjoy it?
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » September 30th, 2009, 1:19 pm

knights68 wrote:If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of the 5 actually enjoy it?
=)) =)) =))
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » September 30th, 2009, 1:28 pm

knights68 wrote:If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of the 5 actually enjoy it?
see: colonoscopy thread

:(( :)) =))
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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