You can't make this stuff up!

[lawgrad91]

There was a civil protective order hearing in front of the Happy Hippie this morning. Two very angry women fighting over taking care of a 94 year old man in Carroll County, two counties west. (Why were they here, you ask? Not a clue.)

His Honor asked, "so what connection do you two have?"

Slightly less crazy woman: "We are half-sisters."
Immensely crazy woman: (eyes get big and claps hand over mouth) "oh no, we aren't! We are whole sisters!
SLCW: "Oh no, we are not!"
ICW: "Daddy's name is on my birth certificate!"
SLCW: "Our daddy's name may be on your birth certificate, but he told me he is NOT your daddy!"

Daddy (or non-Daddy) is the 94 year old man. I hope he is leaving all his money to the SPCA or his church or ANYTHING other than these two fruitbats.

[CathyCA]

There was a civil protective order hearing in front of the Happy Hippie this morning. Two very angry women fighting over taking care of a 94 year old man in Carroll County, two counties west. (Why were they here, you ask? Not a clue.)

His Honor asked, "so what connection do you two have?"

Slightly less crazy woman: "We are half-sisters."
Immensely crazy woman: (eyes get big and claps hand over mouth) "oh no, we aren't! We are whole sisters!
SLCW: "Oh no, we are not!"
ICW: "Daddy's name is on my birth certificate!"
SLCW: "Our daddy's name may be on your birth certificate, but he told me he is NOT your daddy!"

Daddy (or non-Daddy) is the 94 year old man. I hope he is leaving all his money to the SPCA or his church or ANYTHING other than these two fruitbats.

This thing is going to get even better when Daddy passes on. I'll buy the popcorn!

[lawgrad91]

I have a bond hearing Monday for a guy locked up Thanksgiving weekend for DUI. Typically on a DUI, the Magistrate will release someone after 4 hours if there is a sober person to release them to, or after 8 if there is not and they have dried out sufficiently, and unless they blow more than a .15 that's all the jail time they see. So it's a bad idea to call the Magistrate's mama names and flip him/her the bird, and causes people who would spend 8 hours in lockup to spend more than a week at the Crossbar Hilton.

FYI, also a bad idea: a person who has drunk an entire bottle of Fireball would best sleep it off someplace, rather than call 911 and say, "I'm drunk as hell and trying to drive home to Madison NC. Can you send someone to help me get there?"

[CathyCA]

I have a bond hearing Monday for a guy locked up Thanksgiving weekend for DUI. Typically on a DUI, the Magistrate will release someone after 4 hours if there is a sober person to release them to, or after 8 if there is not and they have dried out sufficiently, and unless they blow more than a .15 that's all the jail time they see. So it's a bad idea to call the Magistrate's mama names and flip him/her the bird, and causes people who would spend 8 hours in lockup to spend more than a week at the Crossbar Hilton.

FYI, also a bad idea: a person who has drunk an entire bottle of Fireball would best sleep it off someplace, rather than call 911 and say, "I'm drunk as hell and trying to drive home to Madison NC. Can you send someone to help me get there?"

He gets an "A" for originality.

He probably gets his own chapter in your book.

[lawgrad91]

There's an obituary in the Martinsville Bulletin today, complete with a photo.

The photo is of the deceased at Pigeon Forge. Standing inside an upright COFFIN.

I understand why a family might think a photo appropriate. I have no issue with that. But her standing in a coffin that says "Hatfield & McCoy Pigeon Forge TN" seems really bizarre.

[lawgrad91]

Probably a bad idea for a drug dealer defendant to call the informant and ask if he is the one who made the two controlled buys that got the defendant arrested.

[lawgrad91]

Preliminary hearing this morning on a destruction of property case. Woman is defendant; her husband left her on "the 31st of November" (his words), and has taken up with a new girlfriend who will give him shade in the summer and heat in the winter. Defendant follows them to their place of work. There's a fight between defendant, her mama, estranged husband and new girlfriend. Eventually EH and NG go into the place of employment. Defendant grabs a small baseball bat out of her Lincoln and takes some A-Rod type swings at the vehicle EH and NG were in (a vehicle owned by Enterprise Rent-a-Car). A friend of NG's videos the entire sequence on her phone and emails it to NG, who brings her phone to court with her, and also goes to Walgreens and prints all the videos from her phone, not just the 4 from her friend.

So I'm questioning NG this morning while I'm putting the DVD in the laptop to play the videos for the court. Turns out, there are 16 videos on the DVD.

I click on a random video. It's a can of Great Value Green Beans.

I click on another random video. It's the new girlfriend, wearing her birthday suit and prominently displaying an extremely large boob.

I lose it entirely. Defense counsel asks me if I'm okay, and then if I'm contagious. I'm crying and blowing snot bubbles.

We end up watching the videos off the phone.

[DukePA]

[IowaDevil]

[lawgrad91]

Grand jury today, our semi-monthly day of weird tattoos and strange clothing.

There's a guy with a t shirt that reads, "THAT $*% CRAY" In VERY LARGE LETTERS.

[CathyCA]

Preliminary hearing this morning on a destruction of property case. Woman is defendant; her husband left her on "the 31st of November" (his words), and has taken up with a new girlfriend who will give him shade in the summer and heat in the winter. Defendant follows them to their place of work. There's a fight between defendant, her mama, estranged husband and new girlfriend. Eventually EH and NG go into the place of employment. Defendant grabs a small baseball bat out of her Lincoln and takes some A-Rod type swings at the vehicle EH and NG were in (a vehicle owned by Enterprise Rent-a-Car). A friend of NG's videos the entire sequence on her phone and emails it to NG, who brings her phone to court with her, and also goes to Walgreens and prints all the videos from her phone, not just the 4 from her friend.

So I'm questioning NG this morning while I'm putting the DVD in the laptop to play the videos for the court. Turns out, there are 16 videos on the DVD.

I click on a random video. It's a can of Great Value Green Beans.

I click on another random video. It's the new girlfriend, wearing her birthday suit and prominently displaying an extremely large boob.

I lose it entirely. Defense counsel asks me if I'm okay, and then if I'm contagious. I'm crying and blowing snot bubbles.

We end up watching the videos off the phone.

Why is the Carrie Underwood song, "Before He Cheats," running through my head?

[lawgrad91]

The Rev LG wanted to watch the McDonald’s All American Game.

I got to pre-hate one of the players, Armando Bacot, Jr. He will be a sheep.

In looking at him, I noticed something odd. He has a tattoo on his arm.

No, the fact of the tattoo isn’t the oddity. The tattoo reads: PHILIPPINES 4:13. Did he mean PHILIPPIANS 4:13 (“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”)? Or is PHILIPPINES 4:13 kind of like Stone Cold Steve Austin’s AUSTIN 3:16, and I’m just not woke?

There’s nothing in his bio that would indicate any connection with the Philippines. His bio says he “was born in his hometown of Richmond, VA.”

[DukieInKansas]

The Rev LG wanted to watch the McDonald’s All American Game.

I got to pre-hate one of the players, Armando Bacot, Jr. He will be a sheep.

In looking at him, I noticed something odd. He has a tattoo on his arm.

No, the fact of the tattoo isn’t the oddity. The tattoo reads: PHILIPPINES 4:13. Did he mean PHILIPPIANS 4:13 (“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”)? Or is PHILIPPINES 4:13 kind of like Stone Cold Steve Austin’s AUSTIN 3:16, and I’m just not woke?

There’s nothing in his bio that would indicate any connection with the Philippines. His bio says he “was born in his hometown of Richmond, VA.”

Apparently, someone needed a Snickers.

[DukePA]

The Rev LG wanted to watch the McDonald’s All American Game.

I got to pre-hate one of the players, Armando Bacot, Jr. He will be a sheep.

In looking at him, I noticed something odd. He has a tattoo on his arm.

No, the fact of the tattoo isn’t the oddity. The tattoo reads: PHILIPPINES 4:13. Did he mean PHILIPPIANS 4:13 (“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”)? Or is PHILIPPINES 4:13 kind of like Stone Cold Steve Austin’s AUSTIN 3:16, and I’m just not woke?

There’s nothing in his bio that would indicate any connection with the Philippines. His bio says he “was born in his hometown of Richmond, VA.”

I always say tar heels can't spell.

[CathyCA]

The Rev LG wanted to watch the McDonald’s All American Game.

I got to pre-hate one of the players, Armando Bacot, Jr. He will be a sheep.

In looking at him, I noticed something odd. He has a tattoo on his arm.

No, the fact of the tattoo isn’t the oddity. The tattoo reads: PHILIPPINES 4:13. Did he mean PHILIPPIANS 4:13 (“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”)? Or is PHILIPPINES 4:13 kind of like Stone Cold Steve Austin’s AUSTIN 3:16, and I’m just not woke?

There’s nothing in his bio that would indicate any connection with the Philippines. His bio says he “was born in his hometown of Richmond, VA.”

This is rich, and is something that the Cameron Crazies should know for their cheer sheet next year!

Also, Virginia law (§ 18.2-371.3.) requires that anyone under the age of 18 have a parent or guardian present when the tattoo procedure is going on. So, there are multiple instances of illiteracy going on here.

[lawgrad91]

I got an email from one of TigerDevil’s coworkers about a woman charged with failing to appear in court. It’s not my case; it’s Jethro’s. So I forwarded the message to him. When he answered the email, he CC’ed me.

His first line is, “your client was on the LAMB from the law for a long time.”

Um, it’s “on the LAM from the law.”

People on the LAMB get a totally different set of charges, and deservedly so.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I got an email from one of TigerDevil’s coworkers about a woman charged with failing to appear in court. It’s not my case; it’s Jethro’s. So I forwarded the message to him. When he answered the email, he CC’ed me.

His first line is, “your client was on the LAMB from the law for a long time.”

Um, it’s “on the LAM from the law.”

People on the LAMB get a totally different set of charges, and deservedly so.

[DukePA]

I got an email from one of TigerDevil’s coworkers about a woman charged with failing to appear in court. It’s not my case; it’s Jethro’s. So I forwarded the message to him. When he answered the email, he CC’ed me.

His first line is, “your client was on the LAMB from the law for a long time.”

Um, it’s “on the LAM from the law.”

People on the LAMB get a totally different set of charges, and deservedly so.

Bwahahahaha!!!

[CathyCA]

I got an email from one of TigerDevil’s coworkers about a woman charged with failing to appear in court. It’s not my case; it’s Jethro’s. So I forwarded the message to him. When he answered the email, he CC’ed me.

His first line is, “your client was on the LAMB from the law for a long time.”

Um, it’s “on the LAM from the law.”

People on the LAMB get a totally different set of charges, and deservedly so.

I love Mental Floss. Here is an article about the origin(s) of the phrase "on the lam:" http://mentalfloss.com/article/84871/wh ... als-go-lam

[lawgrad91]

I got an email from one of TigerDevil’s coworkers about a woman charged with failing to appear in court. It’s not my case; it’s Jethro’s. So I forwarded the message to him. When he answered the email, he CC’ed me.

His first line is, “your client was on the LAMB from the law for a long time.”

Um, it’s “on the LAM from the law.”

People on the LAMB get a totally different set of charges, and deservedly so.

I love Mental Floss. Here is an article about the origin(s) of the phrase "on the lam:" http://mentalfloss.com/article/84871/wh ... als-go-lam

I love Mental Floss as well. I think they are Duke guys.