Jokes

[August West]

The Best Pubs Are Irish


“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,: said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat's nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. “Did this actually happen to you?” they asked.

“Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

Now I can go find my screen cleaner.

[August West]

Understanding Engineers One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell >silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

There comes the time in every project when it becomes necessary to shoot the engineers and start production.

[colchar]

Understanding Engineers One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell >silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

There comes the time in every project when it becomes necessary to shoot the engineers and start production.

I agree. I also wondered after I posted that one if we had any engineers on the board. If we do, I expect they have a sense of humour.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I agree. I also wondered after I posted that one if we had any engineers on the board. If we do, I expect they have a sense of humour.

My degree is engineering. I'm a sales engineer - don't ask me to design anything, except maybe sales plan or a plan to get Kyrie back on the basketball court for us this year!

[Miles]

There comes the time in every project when it becomes necessary to shoot the engineers and start production.

I'm at that part in the project where it's time to shoot the customer and start production.

[Miles]

Understanding Engineers One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell >silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

There comes the time in every project when it becomes necessary to shoot the engineers and start production.

I agree. I also wondered after I posted that one if we had any engineers on the board. If we do, I expect they have a sense of humour.

I thought most of the jokes were quite complimentary to engineers. All of them were accurate except number seven. That reads more like a problem with Product Managers or inept Sales.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Subject: Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly
after, a story in the LA Times read: “California archaeologists,
finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred
years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in North Carolina reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near
Kernersville, NC, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that
he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300
years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless."

[CameronBornAndBred]

Bubba has therefore concluded that 300
years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless."

[captmojo]

Bubba has therefore concluded that 300
years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless."

Me too.

[lawgrad91]

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[CathyCA]

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[captmojo]

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

...and never take it off!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had
just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions
about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then
about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first
three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments,
needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early
20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her
60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go."

[CathyCA]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had
just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions
about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then
about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first
three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments,
needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early
20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her
60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go."

That's cute!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please". She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us......and they VOTE

[DukieInKansas]

Ozzie, you know what they say, don't you?

Be Alert!

America needs more Lerts.

[devildeac]

A woman boarded a bus and, as she got on, the blanket in which she had her baby wrapped became partly undone and the bus driver caught a glimpse of her infant. As she passed the driver, he couldn't help but comment to the lady that her young child was the ugliest baby he had ever seen. She headed quickly to her seat, and shortly thereafter burst into tears. The gentleman beside her asked what was wrong and she told him that the bus driver had made a very unkind comment. Seeing that she was truly upset, he encouraged her to return to the front of the bus and give the driver a piece of her mind. She thought about it briefly and declared that she was going to take his advice, at which time the man seated next to her said, "and I'll be happy to hold your monkey while you do that."

[CameronBornAndBred]

Nobody has posted a new joke in almost a month. Slackers.

[windsor]

Nobody has posted a new joke in almost a month. Slackers.

Ok fine...how's this:


THE BIG EAST

[CathyCA]

Nobody has posted a new joke in almost a month. Slackers.

Ok fine...how's this:


THE BIG EAST