Jokes

[Jesus_hurley]

My blackberry doesn't work. Turn on your sound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

"I tried to put my dongle in it and it won't fit"

[ArkieDukie]

2009-2010 unc tar heels basketball team.

[CathyCA]

2009-2010 unc tar heels basketball team.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I've just heard from a friend in Idaho. She says it has been snowing heavily for three days now. Her husband has done nothing but stare through the window. If it doesn't stop soon she'll probably have to let him in.

[captmojo]

I've just heard from a friend in Idaho. She says it has been snowing heavily for three days now. Her husband has done nothing but stare through the window. If it doesn't stop soon she'll probably have to let him in.

Snow humor. I love it! (one per inch recieved)

[lawgrad91]

I've just heard from a friend in Idaho. She says it has been snowing heavily for three days now. Her husband has done nothing but stare through the window. If it doesn't stop soon she'll probably have to let him in.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

So....the new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual, and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, His Holiness calls him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispers, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The Pope said:"Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agrees.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opens it. They both gasped with shock -

It is a bill for the Last Supper from "Moishe, the Caterer."

[devildeac]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him we don't serve beers to bears in Billings. The bear becomes a bit bitter and asks again. The bartender tells him we don't serve beers to bitter bears in Billings. Now the bear is becoming bellicose and demands a beer and the barkeep tells him we don't serve beers to belligerent bears in Billings. The bear is beside himself by now and insists on a beer or he will eat the babe at the barstool at the end of the bar. The bartender again refuses so the the bear proceeds to consume the lady beside him and beseeches the the bartender for his beer. This time, the bartender says we don't serve beers to bears on drugs. The bear bellows furiously, "what do you mean bears on drugs?" The bartenders replies, "what about that barbiturate?"

[captmojo]

Ooooh. Ooooooooh.


Let's see...

Nah, no help.

[DevilAlumna]

Flowchart to help you decide how to choose which ACC school to root for:

http://www.bcinterruption.com/2011/1/13 ... u-root-for

[captmojo]

Flowchart to help you decide how to choose which ACC school to root for:

http://www.bcinterruption.com/2011/1/13 ... u-root-for

What?

[CathyCA]

A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles,
And went fishing, and hunting, and played golf,
And dated women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch,
And had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles,
And went fishing, and hunting, and played golf,
And dated women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch,
And had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

And what, pray tell, became of the princess?

[CathyCA]

A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles,
And went fishing, and hunting, and played golf,
And dated women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch,
And had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

And what, pray tell, became of the princess?

She is still going around kissing horny toads.

[CameronBornAndBred]

A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles,
And went fishing, and hunting, and played golf,
And dated women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch,
And had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

And what, pray tell, became of the princess?

She is still going around kissing horny toads.

[DukieInKansas]

My nephew posted the following on FB: You know the economy is bad when even Apple is losing Jobs.

[colchar]

Henry died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Henry."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Henry."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Henry had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Henry with them two assholes.'"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Henry with them two assholes.'"

[colchar]

Understanding Engineers One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell >silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[colchar]

The Best Pubs Are Irish


“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,: said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat's nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. “Did this actually happen to you?” they asked.

“Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”