Jokes

[captmojo]

The First Mate had an interesting call last night. I must share. It came from neutral pollster requesting her input. She laid it down thick with a false name and address. She used my mother's first name and her own maiden name. After telling the interviewer her husband had passed away, she felt obliged to tell how he died. Something like this...

"It's a long story...
He was on his way to mow the yard of a friend and stepped onto a Yellowjacket nest,
but that didn't kill him.
He stumbled out into the road and was struck by a passing truck,
but that didn't kill him.
The ambulance that collected him had a roll-over wreck on the way to the hospital,
he survived.
While in the hospital he accquired a staph infection,
but that didn't do him in.
About a month later, when he got home, it had been a long time without sex, so after taking Viagra he had a heart attack,
but that wasn't his demise.
The EMT that gave him CPR was HIV positive. He developed AIDS,
But that didn't kill him."

...and so it went for a few other traumas and she said she never got to the end before the guy said he had to cut it off, while trying to catch his breath from laughing so hard at her tale.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is
hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she
goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and
finally hacks it another five feet

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those "FUCKING LESSONS" I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should
have taken "golf lessons" instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......

[CameronBornAndBred]

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......

All she needed was a little motivation!

[devildeac]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is
hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she
goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and
finally hacks it another five feet

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those "FUCKING LESSONS" I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should
have taken "golf lessons" instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......

Hope the "lessons" she took weren't with another member of his foursome .

[lawgrad91]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is
hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she
goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and
finally hacks it another five feet

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those "FUCKING LESSONS" I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should
have taken "golf lessons" instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......

[Native]

Since we're on the golfing subject:

Two men are out golfing together. There's a pair of women ahead of them on the course who are taking an extremely long time to finish. One of the men says to the other, "Go over to those women and ask if we may go ahead of them, so we can finish faster." The man agrees, and begins to walk in their direction; however, he then freezes up and comes walking back to his friend at a brisk pace, red in the face. "I can't go over there. That's my wife and the woman I'm cheating on her with." The other man understands and walks over, but quickly walks back as well.

"Small world," he says.

[CameronBornAndBred]

"Small world," he says.

Did either of them take lessons?

[OZZIE4DUKE]

"Small world," he says.

Did either of them take lessons?

[CathyCA]

Since we're on the golfing subject:

Two men are out golfing together. There's a pair of women ahead of them on the course who are taking an extremely long time to finish. One of the men says to the other, "Go over to those women and ask if we may go ahead of them, so we can finish faster." The man agrees, and begins to walk in their direction; however, he then freezes up and comes walking back to his friend at a brisk pace, red in the face. "I can't go over there. That's my wife and the woman I'm cheating on her with." The other man understands and walks over, but quickly walks back as well.

"Small world," he says.

Oh, I get it!

I had to read the joke twice. . .

[devildeac]

"Small world," he says.

Did either of them take lessons?

I have to take a break and clean my monitor now.
And desk top.
And keyboard.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess



A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs

and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.


She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He

advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for their

staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer

and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them

thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.


Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce

to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his

hand."

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.



Two lessons here:

1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[CathyCA]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess



A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs

and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.


She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He

advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for their

staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer

and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them

thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.


Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce

to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his

hand."

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.



Two lessons here:

1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folk think.

This joke isn't about being a lawyer. It's about being a guy.

Therefore, #1 should read, "MEN aren't as smart as they think they are."

[CameronBornAndBred]

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here", "These coyotes ain't screwing our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter in that room. The meeting never really got back on track.

[Very Duke Blue]

I just finished several days of jokes.

[ArkieDukie]

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here", "These coyotes ain't screwing our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter in that room. The meeting never really got back on track.

This is great! I really need to send it to my dad. He'll appreciate it.

Sad but true: the AR Game and Fish Commission stocked the Buffalo River with water moccasins. Yes, one of the most aggressive, poisonous snakes out there. On a National Scenic River that's popular for canoeing. One has to wonder where Sierra Club, US Forest Service, etc. gets its employees.

[devildeac]

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here", "These coyotes ain't screwing our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter in that room. The meeting never really got back on track.

This is great! I really need to send it to my dad. He'll appreciate it.

Sad but true: the AR Game and Fish Commission stocked the Buffalo River with water moccasins. Yes, one of the most aggressive, poisonous snakes out there. On a National Scenic River that's popular for canoeing. One has to wonder where Sierra Club, US Forest Service, etc. gets its employees.

IDK. unc? ncsu?

[Johnboy]

IDK. unc? ncsu?

I'm sure that's right.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Love those Church Ladies.. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation...
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

[CathyCA]

You would not believe how many times my dad's secretaries have typed "sinning" instead of "singing" in the church bulletin or newsletter. Fortunately, he caught most of their typos before the documents were printed. We heard about them at home.

One of my favorite activities during a boring sermon (I'm a PK, so I know a boring sermon when I hear one) is correcting the mistakes in the bulletin.