Jokes

[EarlJam]

A frog walks into a bar, orders a drink.

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve frogs here."

Hour later, frog walks in again, "Can I get a drink?"

Bartender, mildy annoyed, "I already told you we don't serve frogs here!"

Frog leaves. Thirty minutes later, frog reappears, "Seriously, can I get a drink?"

Bartender, now enraged, "Look FROG! If you come up and ask one more time I'm going to make an example of you by nailing each one of your four legs to that wall over there!"

Frog leaves.

Half an hour later, frog walks in. "Can I ask a question?"

Bartender, "Sure."

Frog, "Got any nails?"

Bartender, "Nope."

Frog, "Then how about a drink?"

-EJ

[devildeac]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

I hope Lavabe and the SPCA don't read that.

[knights68]

Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minnie. T
he judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane."
Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy!"

[CameronBornAndBred]

From a Dog's Diary



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From a Cat's Diary



Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

[devildeac]

From a Dog's Diary



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From a Cat's Diary



Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

From a Dog's Diary



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From a Cat's Diary



Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

There are certain elements of our CTN society here that will not like this "joke". ;)

[Miles]

From a Dog's Diary



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From a Cat's Diary



Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

There are certain elements of our CTN society here that will not like this "joke". ;)

As an owner of four cats, I can say I love this joke. I live and work in constant fear that Mia will lead a revolution against the people in the house.

[windsor]

As an owner of four cats, I can say I love this joke. I live and work in constant fear that Mia will lead a revolution against the people in the house.

Owner? Cats do not have owners. DOGS have owners. Cats have staff.

[cl15876]

As an owner of four cats, I can say I love this joke. I live and work in constant fear that Mia will lead a revolution against the people in the house.

Owner? Cats do not have owners. DOGS have owners. Cats have staff.

LOL! You go Windsor! That is almost as funny as the joke!

[CameronBornAndBred]

As an owner of four cats, I can say I love this joke. I live and work in constant fear that Mia will lead a revolution against the people in the house.

Owner? Cats do not have owners. DOGS have owners. Cats have staff.

LOL! You go Windsor! That is almost as funny as the joke!

Agreed!

[windsor]

Since we're on the dogs/cats thing...

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!

ROTTWEILER: Make me.

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.

BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?


And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?

[CameronBornAndBred]

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.

[Miles]

As an owner of four cats, I can say I love this joke. I live and work in constant fear that Mia will lead a revolution against the people in the house.

Owner? Cats do not have owners. DOGS have owners. Cats have staff.

Hehe. Cute. I'm proud to serve four wonderful cats then.

[devildeac]

Two farmers were talking about their tomatoes and Farmer Bob admired the fact that the other farmer's tomatoes always looked so plump and red and asked his secret. Farmer Bill replied sheepishly that every night he would "flash" his tomatoes and the next morning they would be bright red. Farmer Bob was a bit skeptical but he decided he would give it a try so he set his alarm for 2 AM and went out to his garden and "flashed" his tomatoes. Sure enough, the next day, all his tomatoes were plump and red. This went on for several days and he became quite proud of this tip from his good friend. That afternoon, Farmer Jill noticed that both her neighbor's tomatoes were always red and plump and she asked their secret. Both men were a bit reluctant to tell their antics but they eventually confided to her what they did. She also was skeptical but decide to set her alarm for 2 AM and give it a whirl. They both saw her the next afternoon and asked her if the trick had worked. Sadly, she said that her tomatoes were still small and green but, when she surveyed the remainder of the garden, she was astonished at the enormous size of all the cucumbers.

[knights68]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and
finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack... I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to
catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by
himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into
the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer..
we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS!

------------


Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself .....!

[knights68]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
Seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
Told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
Landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
Just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked
You to raise you r trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
Ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
Beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
Outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

[lawgrad91]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
Seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
Told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
Landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
Just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked
You to raise you r trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
Ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
Beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
Outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

[CathyCA]

High Quality Humor

The pastor asked the congregation if anyone wished to express praise for answered prayers.

Judy Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced." Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[EarlJam]

Okay, this joke is mostly for engineers of aircraft de-icers, but I think most of you will appreciate it as it is HILARIOUS!

Okay, Steve the engineer was working on a '96 model class four AvioTech de-icer. There seemed to be a problem with the frontal primary gasket and the stream control mechanism. Anyway, Jim, his supervisor comes up to him and asks how things were going with repairs. Seems Steve was taking twice as long to complete the repair, and cold temperatures and ice were on the way. It had to be repaired soon!

"Steve, can you have this out and tarmac ready buy 0700 tomorrow?"

"Jim, to be honest, I can't promise that."

"Well why not? You've had days to work on this thing. You know these de-icers inside and out! Are you sure you're not just burned out? Tell me the truth."

Steve looked at Jim astonished and replied, "Jim, I ordered a 1/4" grade four washer for the prime measuring unit on day one. And clearly the fifty-inch coil on the engaging mechanisms of both the primary and secondary nozzles were in need of replacement. I'm doing all I can, but without level one response or cooperation from T-ROC, I'm handcuffed here."

A wry smile formed on Jim's face as he looked Steve in the eye and said, "Well Steve, there is ONE thing we could do to get this up and running."

"What's that," replied Steve.

Jim paused for effect. Knowing it would draw hysterical laughter and would bring some levity to the situation, he then replied, "Well, just tape the sensors with Ledonite strips, dial the Volu-Pressure gauges back to zero, and wheel that puppy back out there!!!"

The two laughed for what seemed like thirty minutes.

A great joke!

-EarlJam

[CameronBornAndBred]

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."