Jokes

[CameronBornAndBred]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody
who knew it would.

[devildeac]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[devildeac]

Patient: OK, Doc, be honest with me. What did you find?
Doctor: We need to perform a major operation and the risks are high.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: OK. You're ugly, too.

[CameronBornAndBred]

Patient: OK, Doc, be honest with me. What did you find?
Doctor: We need to perform a major operation and the risks are high.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: OK. You're ugly, too.

One of the oldest jokes I've heard, but told in the fewest sentences.

[devildeac]

Patient: OK, Doc, be honest with me. What did you find?
Doctor: We need to perform a major operation and the risks are high.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: OK. You're ugly, too.

One of the oldest jokes I've heard, but told in the fewest sentences.

How about this one then?

Patient: OK, Doc, be honest with me. What did you find?
Doctor: The test results are very bad and it looks like you only have about 3 months to live.
Patient: I'll never be able to pay my bill in that time.
Doctor: OK, let's make it 6 months then.

[devildeac]

Patient: OK, Doc, be honest with me. What did you find?
Doctor: We need to perform a major operation and the risks are high.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: OK. You're ugly, too.

One of the oldest jokes I've heard, but told in the fewest sentences.

How about this one then?

Patient: OK, Doc, be honest with me. What did you find?
Doctor: The test results are very bad and it looks like you only have about 3 months to live.
Patient: I'll never be able to pay my bill in that time.
Doctor: OK, let's make it 6 months then.

I'm gonna follow these couple doctor jokes with a couple lawyer jokes, too. But not until CathyCA is off the moderator list.

[CathyCA]

One of the oldest jokes I've heard, but told in the fewest sentences.

How about this one then?

Patient: OK, Doc, be honest with me. What did you find?
Doctor: The test results are very bad and it looks like you only have about 3 months to live.
Patient: I'll never be able to pay my bill in that time.
Doctor: OK, let's make it 6 months then.

I'm gonna follow these couple doctor jokes with a couple lawyer jokes, too. But not until CathyCA is off the moderator list.

I might sue you.

[devildeac]

How about this one then?

Patient: OK, Doc, be honest with me. What did you find?
Doctor: The test results are very bad and it looks like you only have about 3 months to live.
Patient: I'll never be able to pay my bill in that time.
Doctor: OK, let's make it 6 months then.

I'm gonna follow these couple doctor jokes with a couple lawyer jokes, too. But not until CathyCA is off the moderator list.

I might sue you.

Maybe I'll post them "off the record."

[lawgrad91]

CathyCA and I have probably heard every lawyer joke in the book, so as far as I'm concerned, go ahead.

I'll start with this one.

A young lawyer in New York City took his summer vacation at a bed and breakfast, and finding the place to his liking, began going there every year. The family owning the B&B had a young (though not TOO young) daughter, and each year the lawyer found her more desirable and less like jail-bait. One year the inevitable happened and the two spent, shall we say, more time together than they should.

The next year when the lawyer returned for his week of vacation, he found the young lady sitting on her porch,a small baby in her lap. He ran up to her and exclaimed, "What is this?" The young lady replied, "It's your son." The lawyer responded, "Why didn't you call me when you discovered you were pregnant? I'd have come back and married you, and the baby would have my name."

The young lady answered, "When I found out I was pregnant, we had a family meeting to discuss my options. Every option, including calling you, we talked about. But finally we decided not to call. After all, it's better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[devildeac]

Patient: OK, Doc, be honest with me. What did you find?
Doctor: The test results are very bad and it looks like you only have about 3 months to live.
Patient: I'll never be able to pay my bill in that time.
Doctor: OK, let's make it 6 months then.

I'm gonna follow these couple doctor jokes with a couple lawyer jokes, too. But not until CathyCA is off the moderator list.

I might sue you.

Ruh-roh. Sounds like it's time for some "defensive" posting .

[devildeac]

I'm gonna follow these couple doctor jokes with a couple lawyer jokes, too. But not until CathyCA is off the moderator list.

I might sue you.

Ruh-roh. Sounds like it's time for some "defensive" posting .

Or time to have my "posting liability insurance" premiums up to date.

[devildeac]

CathyCA and I have probably heard every lawyer joke in the book, so as far as I'm concerned, go ahead.

I'll start with this one.

A young lawyer in New York City took his summer vacation at a bed and breakfast, and finding the place to his liking, began going there every year. The family owning the B&B had a young (though not TOO young) daughter, and each year the lawyer found her more desirable and less like jail-bait. One year the inevitable happened and the two spent, shall we say, more time together than they should.

The next year when the lawyer returned for his week of vacation, he found the young lady sitting on her porch,a small baby in her lap. He ran up to her and exclaimed, "What is this?" The young lady replied, "It's your son." The lawyer responded, "Why didn't you call me when you discovered you were pregnant? I'd have come back and married you, and the baby would have my name."

The young lady answered, "When I found out I was pregnant, we had a family meeting to discuss my options. Every option, including calling you, we talked about. But finally we decided not to call. After all, it's better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Now that one I haven't heard.

[knights68]

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I
borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily
function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the
toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the
stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper
and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you
kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I
gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers
Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see
your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when
someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall
and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

[devildeac]

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I
borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily
function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the
toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the
stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper
and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you
kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I
gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers
Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see
your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when
someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall
and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

And you've done all those things, right?

[knights68]

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I
borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily
function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the
toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the
stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper
and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you
kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I
gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers
Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see
your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when
someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall
and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

And you've done all those things, right?

No, of course not. Not ALL of 'em. 2,3,6,8,10,16.
Wish I had thought of #20!

[devildeac]

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to their ears in concrete?

A: Not enough concrete.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

It's deep, too!

[CathyCA]

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to their ears in concrete?

A: Not enough concrete.

[devildeac]

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to their ears in concrete?

A: Not enough concrete.

Hey, that's assault .

[CathyCA]

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to their ears in concrete?

A: Not enough concrete.

Hey, that's assault .

And battery.