Jokes

[devildeac]

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

I heard the same joke years ago told about the canines owned by an internist, a surgeon and a radiologist (govmint employee comparison).

[knights68]

I am in sssooooo much need of some laughs this Monday morning!

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her
level,
and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy
bwack
wabby?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says,
"I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck!"

[knights68]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would
hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on
my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and
they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said
the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of
the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have
suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know
that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge
you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask
another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I am in sssooooo much need of some laughs this Monday morning!

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her
level,
and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy
bwack
wabby?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says,
"I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck!"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Lie Detector...

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy...

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[CameronBornAndBred]

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[cl15876]

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

I am dying here

[Very Duke Blue]

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Woooo, too funny.

[CathyCA]

ROTFLMAOPIMP!!!!!!!!!!

[devildeac]

Lie Detector...

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy...

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

I am glad I was not enjoying a malted beverage while reading that joke. I would prolly have to buy a new monitor now.

[knights68]

time for another joke.....


An 80 year old couple had problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out and make sure nothing was seriously wrong. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained the problems they were having.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that. " He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down. I can remember that."

He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "I told you, you should have written it down. You forgot my toast!"

[CameronBornAndBred]

"I told you, you should have written it down. You forgot my toast!"

[DukeUsul]

Roy Williams

[Very Duke Blue]

Roy Williams

THE JOKE OF THE YEAR.

[CameronBornAndBred]

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "I told you, you should have written it down. You forgot my toast!"

I loved this joke and emailed it to my wife. This was her reply..

I love growing old with you
Sweetie-pie

(I wrote her back that was very sweet, but she's gotta wait another 50 years before we start growing old)

[devildeac]

time for another joke.....


An 80 year old couple had problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out and make sure nothing was seriously wrong. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained the problems they were having.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that. " He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down. I can remember that."

He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "I told you, you should have written it down. You forgot my toast!"

[devildeac]

Speaking of senior citizens:

An elderly couple went to a physician's office for a visit. He pronounced both of the very fit for their advanced ages and they left after making an appointment for the following week. When they returned, the doctor asked them why they were back so soon and they replied they had another request. The physician asked what that might be and they asked if they could be observed with their love-making technique. An embarrassing "yes" followed and they proceeded. When finished, they queried about their performance and were once again pronounced very capable and fit for their ages. This went on for another couple weeks until the physician finally asked them why they kept coming to the office for sexual relations and counseling. They replied, "Well you see, Doc, we are not married and we both live with our children's families and they would not approve of us having relations in their homes." The doctor then asked, "How about a hotel?" To that they responded, "Oh, we both live on fixed incomes and we could not afford that." The exasperated physician then asked, "Yes, but then why my office week after week?'

They responded, "You see, it's very simple. This way, Medicare will pay for all of our visits."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Got this from a Kentucky friend that doesn't hate Duke, but she does hate carolina!

Subject: NCAA TICKETS



Guy goes to the UNC ticket office and asks if he can get tickets to see UNC play in the first round. Lady tells him, "Sorry but UNC didn't make the tournament this year so you can't get any tickets."

A week later, the same guy goes back to the ticket office and asks if he can get tickets for the regionals to see UNC play. The lady says, "Sorry but as I told you before, UNC didn't even make it into the tournament this year."

A week later, the same guy returns to the ticket office and asks if he can get tickets to the Final Four to see UNC play. The lady is now irate and says, "Look, I told you twice before that UNC didn't even make the tournament this year and we have NO tickets!"

The guy smiles and says, "Yeah, I know. I live in Kentucky and drive all the way to Chapel Hill just to hear you say that UNC didn't make the tournament this year."

[devildeac]

Got this from a Kentucky friend that doesn't hate Duke, but she does hate carolina!

Subject: NCAA TICKETS



Guy goes to the UNC ticket office and asks if he can get tickets to see UNC play in the first round. Lady tells him, "Sorry but UNC didn't make the tournament this year so you can't get any tickets."

A week later, the same guy goes back to the ticket office and asks if he can get tickets for the regionals to see UNC play. The lady says, "Sorry but as I told you before, UNC didn't even make it into the tournament this year."

A week later, the same guy returns to the ticket office and asks if he can get tickets to the Final Four to see UNC play. The lady is now irate and says, "Look, I told you twice before that UNC didn't even make the tournament this year and we have NO tickets!"

The guy smiles and says, "Yeah, I know. I live in Kentucky and drive all the way to Chapel Hill just to hear you say that UNC didn't make the tournament this year."

That might be worth the trip.

Wonder if we'll see the Lavabes any time soon.

[devildeac]

Maybe there is another hell beside the one in orange county:

Eternal Torment



A devout atheist was sent to Hell. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.



"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."



Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?