Jokes

[bjornolf]

I love this joke! It makes me laugh and hurl at the same time.

I was just thinking that if this were a true story, wouldn't be gettin' any from Cathy anytime soon.

[cl15876]

I love this joke! It makes me laugh and hurl at the same time.

I was just thinking that if this were a true story, wouldn't be gettin' any from Cathy anytime soon.

I never said it wasn't true, ... remember what ASSUMING thangs results in....

[devildeac]

FYI:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:



1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST CARE PROVIDER.' (I added the “CARE” part)



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

[cl15876]

FYI:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:



1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST CARE PROVIDER.' (I added the “CARE” part)



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

[CathyCA]

FYI:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:



1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST CARE PROVIDER.' (I added the “CARE” part)



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

We even have smilies for trouser cleavage:

[devildeac]

FYI:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:



1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST CARE PROVIDER.' (I added the “CARE” part)



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

We even have smilies for trouser cleavage:

[CameronBornAndBred]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST CARE PROVIDER.' (I added the “CARE” part)



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

'

[devildeac]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST CARE PROVIDER.' (I added the “CARE” part)



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

'

I have also heard this referred to as a 20 or 40 pound reservoir or, depending on size, a 1/4 keg or 1/2 keg.

[devildeac]

Cold joke:

JUST HOW COLD WILL IT BE!



The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"



The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be cold indeed."



So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"



"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."



So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"



"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

[devildeac]

More cold, Canadian humor:

Canadian Farm

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.



One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"



"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I damn near pissed in my pants reading this. Damn near, but I didn't.

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE THEIR HUSBAND SHOPPING AFTER THEY RETIRE

After a friend recently retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on
her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear friends wife received
the following letter from the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Samuel,



Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.



2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.



3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money



5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway



6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.



8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.



9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.



10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were...



11 October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.



12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.



13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



And the final straw:



15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

[devildeac]

I damn near pissed in my pants reading this. Damn near, but I didn't.

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE THEIR HUSBAND SHOPPING AFTER THEY RETIRE

After a friend recently retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on
her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear friends wife received
the following letter from the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Samuel,



Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.



2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.



3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money



5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway



6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.



8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.



9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.



10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were...



11 October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.



12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.



13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



And the final straw:



15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

Whew, I thought this was about me but realized it wasn't when I got to #15. I have NEVER done THAT before.


(I always take my own TP in the dressing rooms with me...)

[cl15876]

LMAO!!!! Very good!!!

[Jesus_hurley]

A man walks into a bar with a large piece of asphalt under his arm. He walks up to the bartender and says 'I'll take one for me and one for the road'.

[CameronBornAndBred]

A man walks into a bar with a large piece of asphalt under his arm. He walks up to the bartender and says 'I'll take one for me and one for the road'.

That's horrible.
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

[devildeac]

A man walks into a bar with a large piece of asphalt under his arm. He walks up to the bartender and says 'I'll take one for me and one for the road'.

That's horrible.
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

That's even worse. ;)

[wilson]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel crammed down the front of his pants.
Bartender says, "Excuse me sir, but do you know that you have a ship's wheel in your pants?"
Pirate says, "Yarrrr...it's drivin' me nuts."

[cl15876]

You guys are killing me!!!!! I love it!

[devildeac]

For DukeUsul, Lavabe and yours truly:

THE JERSEY HUNTER

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency service – 911. He gasps to the operator: “Oh Gosh --- my friend – I think --- he’s dead! Ah, what should I do? Oh good Lord! Please help!!!!”



The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can assist. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is total silence, and then a shot is heard.



The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay --- okay, now what?“

[CameronBornAndBred]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

DD's stealing your jokes!!!