Jokes

[CameronBornAndBred]

What does an agnostic (not sure if there is a God or not) sumnambulist (Sleepwalker) dyslexic (jumbles letters up) do?

Answer: Walks around in the middle of the night wondering if there really is a dog

[colchar]

The original Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter (shortened to 8 for the TV show) - I still love these....maybe because I have a daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

I've always enjoyed these - thanks for reposting them.

And I promise not to break any of them before WD and I get married ;)

[cl15876]

What does an agnostic (not sure if there is a God or not) sumnambulist (Sleepwalker) dyslexic (jumbles letters up) do?

Answer: Walks around in the middle of the night wondering if there really is a dog

Very good!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Not new, but cute.

[Very Duke Blue]

Are the same for male meapouse?

[windsor]

If you are my facebook friend then the is a rerun...but for those who aren't...

ohcrap.jpg (23.54 KiB) Viewed 826 times

[CameronBornAndBred]

It's funny the second time, too!

[DevilAlumna]

If you are my facebook friend then the is a rerun...but for those who aren't...

ohcrap.jpg

The way my week has gone, that will probably be me tomorrow....

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings
the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time
at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[Very Duke Blue]

Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings
the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time
at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[CameronBornAndBred]

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[CathyCA]

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[CameronBornAndBred]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York

and is certain that he has a better education then any country hick cop from Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.


The deputy says, "License and registration, please."


"What for?" says the lawyer.


The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."


Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."


"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."




The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"


"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.


Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,

I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."


"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts

beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[windsor]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[CameronBornAndBred]

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[Very Duke Blue]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York

and is certain that he has a better education then any country hick cop from Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.


The deputy says, "License and registration, please."


"What for?" says the lawyer.


The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."


Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."


"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."




The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"


"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.


Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,

I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."


"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts

beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Very Duke Blue]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[devildeac]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York

and is certain that he has a better education then any country hick cop from Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.


The deputy says, "License and registration, please."


"What for?" says the lawyer.


The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."


Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."


"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."




The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"


"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.


Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,

I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."


"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts

beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[cl15876]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York

and is certain that he has a better education then any country hick cop from Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.


The deputy says, "License and registration, please."


"What for?" says the lawyer.


The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."


Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."


"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."




The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"


"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.


Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,

I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."


"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts

beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

I thought this was very cute!!!!

[CathyCA]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York

and is certain that he has a better education then any country hick cop from Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.


The deputy says, "License and registration, please."


"What for?" says the lawyer.


The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."


Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."


"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."




The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"


"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.


Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,

I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."


"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts

beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

It's a lawyer joke. I thought it was tacky.