You can't make this stuff up!

[ArkieDukie]

I'm sure none of you will be in this position, but should any one of you decide to sell heroin during the pandemic, and you take COVID precautions like wearing gloves, you should know that an N95 mask will only help to conceal your identity should you NOT WEAR IT TUCKED UNDER YOUR CHIN.

You really do run into some winners, don't you?

[DukieInKansas]

I'm sure none of you will be in this position, but should any one of you decide to sell heroin during the pandemic, and you take COVID precautions like wearing gloves, you should know that an N95 mask will only help to conceal your identity should you NOT WEAR IT TUCKED UNDER YOUR CHIN.

Thank you for the good advice.

And the chuckle!

[lawgrad91]

Can't believe I missed these two, but we had a lot going on before Christmas here and at the house.

First: UPS driver drove his truck to a set of somewhat seedy apartments. Parked to drop off a package. Left the truck running. Big mistake. Truck left without him. Thankfully, the apartments are only partially in our jurisdiction and he parked in the other jurisdiction.

Second: Traffic judge to defendant: Ma'am, you are charged with going 71 in a 45 zone. What is your plea, guilty or not guilty?
Defendant: what does that mean?

[OPK]

Can't believe I missed these two, but we had a lot going on before Christmas here and at the house.

First: UPS driver drove his truck to a set of somewhat seedy apartments. Parked to drop off a package. Left the truck running. Big mistake. Truck left without him. Thankfully, the apartments are only partially in our jurisdiction and he parked in the other jurisdiction.

Second: Traffic judge to defendant: Ma'am, you are charged with going 71 in a 45 zone. What is your plea, guilty or not guilty?
Defendant: what does that mean?

My favorites are the ones who say “I’m not guilty. I just want to explain . . . .”

[lawgrad91]

Two of our local contractors are engaged in a social media pissing contest, and one of them is in touch with us on an extremely regular basis wanting the other charged with violation of a court order. (He doesn't understand that without a court order, there can be no violation of same. He is an enormous sheep fan. Coincidence? I think not.)

At any rate, he sent me an email that had as a subject line "(other contractor) is stalking me on Twitter." He then sent a screen shot of a Twitter account screen in the name of the other contractor. At the bottom of the screen it says, "(other contractor) follows you."

I asked the Judge yesterday that, since I follow George Clooney, perhaps the court should bring George Clooney to our General District Court and order me not to stalk him.

In an attempt to wring a little levity from the awful events of yesterday....

A photo of Ray Reynolds, the sheep fan local contractor, is all over the local social media. He was on the Capitol steps and had clearly been on the receiving end of a less-than-lethal law enforcement dispersement technique. His pic was emblazoned with the hashtag #peppersprayray.

[lawgrad91]

I’m in traffic court this afternoon. I have a 3rd offense DUI bond hearing. He has two prior convictions for DUI in the past year. The judge isn’t going to release the defendant from jail without a sober person to come in and say that they will keep him from driving until his case is heard.

The witness is wearing a shirt that says “Smooth as Tennessee whiskey.”

[OPK]

I’m in traffic court this afternoon. I have a 3rd offense DUI bond hearing. He has two prior convictions for DUI in the past year. The judge isn’t going to release the defendant from jail without a sober person to come in and say that they will keep him from driving until his case is heard.

The witness is wearing a shirt that says “Smooth as Tennessee whiskey.”

To be fair, we all have that “Court Tee Shirt” we save for when dressing up is required.

[lawgrad91]

https://nypost.com/2021/01/28/woman-per ... ve-report/

The judge asked Blue Devil Defense Attorney Ward and myself if we had seen this. We had not....

[ArkieDukie]

https://nypost.com/2021/01/28/woman-per ... ve-report/

The judge asked Blue Devil Defense Attorney Ward and myself if we had seen this. We had not....

[lawgrad91]

In domestic court today:
My Witness: I have mental issues.
Public Defender Tigerdevil: what mental issue do you have?
My Witness: Irritable bowel syndrome.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

In domestic court today:
My Witness: I have mental issues.
Public Defender Tigerdevil: what mental issue do you have?
My Witness: Irritable bowel syndrome.

Did yo tell him/her they were full of shit?

[lawgrad91]

In domestic court today:
My Witness: I have mental issues.
Public Defender Tigerdevil: what mental issue do you have?
My Witness: Irritable bowel syndrome.

Did yo tell him/her they were full of shit?

Sh** for brains, I guess.

[DukieInKansas]

In domestic court today:
My Witness: I have mental issues.
Public Defender Tigerdevil: what mental issue do you have?
My Witness: Irritable bowel syndrome.

Did yo tell him/her they were full of shit?

Sh** for brains, I guess.

How do you all manage to keep from laughing out loud?

[CameronBornAndBred]

In domestic court today:
My Witness: I have mental issues.
Public Defender Tigerdevil: what mental issue do you have?
My Witness: Irritable bowel syndrome.

Did yo tell him/her they were full of shit?

[lawgrad91]

If this is a sign in your local sports arena, you might be a redneck.

(Martinsville Speedway)

[lawgrad91]

We had a defendant steal (and total) an ambulance today.

[lawgrad91]

Awbrey's defendant today was charged with brandishing a machete at his dad's funeral. That must have been quite the scene.

[lawgrad91]

Wonder if I could get in trouble for asking a defendant, "is that a .380 derringer in your bra, or are you just happy to see me?"

The corollary to that is a woman with a 32A bra probably should carry a smaller weapon.

[CameronBornAndBred]

Wonder if I could get in trouble for asking a defendant, "is that a .380 derringer in your bra, or are you just happy to see me?"

The corollary to that is a woman with a 32A bra probably should carry a smaller weapon.

"Conceal and Carry" implies that your boob holster is actually concealing.

[lawgrad91]

A veritable cornucopia of lunatics in the courtroom this afternoon, including the lady with the derringer in her bra. She was actually more sane than some of the others.

I had already texted the office manager that the gallery was crazier than s***house rats BEFORE the victim who had already been found in contempt told the Judge, "don't bring me out of lockup again 'less you got a reason."

My other personal favorite:

Deputy: Ma'am, you were going 56 in the posted 35 zone.
Defendant: It's my dog's fault.