Jokes

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

An attractive blonde from County Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice, and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby! Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb. But, ALL men ..... are men.

Bless their hearts, love, Ima

[CathyCA]

An attractive blonde from County Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice, and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby! Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb. But, ALL men ..... are men.

Bless their hearts, love, Ima

[IowaDevil]

An attractive blonde from County Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice, and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby! Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb. But, ALL men ..... are men.

Bless their hearts, love, Ima

[lawgrad91]

An attractive blonde from County Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice, and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby! Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb. But, ALL men ..... are men.

Bless their hearts, love, Ima

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

I have noticed that only females showed reaction to this post. What does that tell us?
Love, Ima

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I think it’s funny as hell!

[lawgrad91]

I have noticed that only females showed reaction to this post. What does that tell us?
Love, Ima

That truth is an absolute defense in the law.

[devildeac]

I have noticed that only females showed reaction to this post. What does that tell us?
Love, Ima

[devildeac]

Patient walks into to dentist's office with tooth pain.

Dentist: We're going to have to extract that tooth

(Starts getting local anesthetic ready for injection.)

Patient: Whoa! No needles for me.

(Dentist then starts getting mask and gas ready.)

Patient: Whoa! No gas for me!

Dentist: Can you take pills?

Patient: Sure.

Dentist: Here, take these 2 blue pills with a cup of water.

Patient: What are the pills?

Dentist: Viagra

Patient: Will they help with the pain?

Dentist: No, but they'll give you something you can hold on to when I pull that tooth.

[lawgrad91]

Patient walks into to dentist's office with tooth pain.

Dentist: We're going to have to extract that tooth

(Starts getting local anesthetic ready for injection.)

Patient: Whoa! No needles for me.

(Dentist then starts getting mask and gas ready.)

Patient: Whoa! No gas for me!

Dentist: Can you take pills?

Patient: Sure.

Dentist: Here, take these 2 blue pills with a cup of water.

Patient: What are the pills?

Dentist: Viagra

Patient: Will they help with the pain?

Dentist: No, but they'll give you something you can hold on to when I pull that tooth.

Just spit water on my keyboard.....

[devildeac]

Customer walks into barber shop, sees a crowd and asks Bill how long a wait for a haircut.

Bill: About 2 hours.
Customer: Thanks. (walks out)

Next week. Same customer asks Bill how long a wait.

Bill: About 90 minutes.
Customer: Thanks. (walks out)

One week later. Same customer. Same question.

Bill: About an hour.
Customer: Thanks. (walks out)

Next week. Same customer. Same question.

Bill: 30-45 minutes.
Customer: Thanks. (walks out)

Bill to fellow barber: Hey, Fred, follow that guy for me and see where he goes.

One hour later, Fred returns.

Bill: Well, where did he go?
Fred: Your house.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

If you're interested in buying no service, it's $49.95, and I take credit cards. David Zale, below, charges more, and my no service is a bargain!

Act 1: Plagiarism

C: I’m starting my own business. I am becoming an entrepreneur!
A: This is very exciting. What type of business are you starting?
C: I’m starting a dating service called Something.
A: Why Something?
C: I’m selling the experience of dating nothing.
A: What do you mean?
C: I saw on the Levi's website that they sell a 721 “Waterless” High Rise Skinny Non-Ripped Jean for $65 and a 721 “Waterless” High Rise Skinny Ripped Jean for $89. What you see is what you don’t get. Get it? People will pay almost $25 more for nothing.
A: You’re talking about ripped jeans, that’s a fad.
C: Hey, remember the Pet Rock? That guy sold five million of those pebbles in six months. If a rock can be your pet, then nothing can be your date.

Act 2: Sweet Romance

A: So what’s your plan?
C: You take away the jeans entirely, and people will pay even more for anything, including nothing.
A: You can’t possibly be serious.
C: Oh really, have you ever heard of air rights?
A: Of course.
C: If you own a building you can buy the right to build more if you buy the air from the building next to it. See, you’re buying nothing.
A: What does this have to do with a dating service?
C: I’m selling the nothing around the person, to be his or her soulmate. Nothing is your constant companion. It doesn’t talk back and you’re always right.
A: Your idea is to sell the nothing around the person?
C: Yes, I know I’ll always have 100% client satisfaction.
A: Wait a second, when it comes to relationships, something and nothing are opposites, which don’t attract. Nothing can’t work. Birds of a feather flock together.
C: Well, in physics opposites attract and like-charges repel.
A: But these are people, not science.
C: Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode where he wants to date himself?
A: Yes.
C: So he meets this woman, exactly like him. After a while, he can’t stand himself. See, like-charges repel. Something and nothing attract.

Act 3: Back to the Future

A: Have you put together a business plan?
C: Business plan, shsmismish plan. My inventory is free, I don’t need an office. I just stand in the park and yell, “Get Your Nothing Today!”
A: I’ll tell you something. I’m beginning to warm to the idea.
C: So you think it’s not too crazy?
A: Maybe not. And if you pull this off, you’ll be first-to-market.
C: Absolutely. By the way that Pet Rock guy made $15m in 1975. You know how much that would be today?
A: How much?
C: About $90m.
A: And what would you do with that $90m?
C: Start a new business.
A: What would it be called?
C: I Have No Idea.
A: Oh, the new Nothing.

(c) David Zale 2018

[IowaDevil]

An attractive blonde from County Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice, and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby! Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb. But, ALL men ..... are men.

Bless their hearts, love, Ima

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I saw this on Facebook today and thought many of you would enjoy it!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

My thanks to my good friend Kathy Holland for this one.

The owner of a golf course in chapel hill was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from unc and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

[IowaDevil]

My thanks to my good friend Kathy Holland for this one.

The owner of a golf course in chapel hill was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from unc and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a carolina degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers #6


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don' t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.



Understanding Engineers #7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."



Engineering

Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One student shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both have since flunked out and are now serving in the U.S. Congress.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A little art related humor!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A little art related humor!

And not to leave out Jackie Gleason's cousin, Andawaywe Gohg!

[devildeac]

Men make the best friends.

Wife comes home the next AM after a night out.

Husband: "Where were you?"
Wife: "I spent the night with a friend."

Husband calls her 10 best friends that day and they all answer they did not see his wife last PM.

Two days later, the husband comes home the next AM after a night out.

Wife: "Where were you?"
Husband: "I spent the night with a friend."

Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight answer he did indeed spend the night with them. The other two said he was still there.