Jokes

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

A bank robber pulled out a gun, pointed it at the teller, and said:

“Give me all the money or you’re geography!”

The puzzled teller replied:

“Did you mean to say, ‘or you’re history?'”

The robber said:

“Don’t change the subject!”

Groan.
Love, Ima

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Face timed with my 91-year-old uncle yesterday as he recovers from a knee replacement --- yep, at 91! He's a dude! Always has a joke on the tip of his tongue. Yesterday he told me he had a girlfriend once whose boobs were actually on her BACK! He said she wasn't much to look at but was a lot of fun to dance with!
Love, Ima

[lawgrad91]

Face timed with my 91-year-old uncle yesterday as he recovers from a knee replacement --- yep, at 91! He's a dude! Always has a joke on the tip of his tongue. Yesterday he told me he had a girlfriend once whose boobs were actually on her BACK! He said she wasn't much to look at but was a lot of fun to dance with!
Love, Ima

[CathyCA]

Face timed with my 91-year-old uncle yesterday as he recovers from a knee replacement --- yep, at 91! He's a dude! Always has a joke on the tip of his tongue. Yesterday he told me he had a girlfriend once whose boobs were actually on her BACK! He said she wasn't much to look at but was a lot of fun to dance with!
Love, Ima

[lawgrad91]

I received this email earlier today:


Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my Heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

[devildeac]

I received this email earlier today:


Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my Heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

3.5 years later, it's still funny:


by devildeac
January 29th, 2013, 2:06 pm

Forum: Our House
Topic: Jokes
Replies: 1325
Views: 29600



As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch .I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.


As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

" I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

;)

[CameronBornAndBred]

I received this email earlier today:


Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

3.5 years later, it's still funny:


;)

That's like one of those movies you can watch over and over and still enjoy it.

[CathyCA]

I received this email earlier today:


Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

3.5 years later, it's still funny:


;)

That's like one of those movies you can watch over and over and still enjoy it.

Oh no. Now I'm going to have to research whether I've ever shared a joke here before sharing it.

It is a funny joke, and I'm still laughing thinking about it.

[lawgrad91]

I'm a firm believer in recycling.

[DukieInKansas]

I'm a firm believer in recycling.

Yep - it's good for the environment. And recycling a good joke is never a bad thing.

[CameronBornAndBred]

A man lives on a farm, he writes to his son in prison - I can't grow potatoes this year. I'm too old to be digging up the field. Soon he gets a letter back from his son. - You can't dig in the field, that's where I buried the bodies! The next morning, people came from the police. They dug up the entire field but found nothing. ...Soon the farmer gets another letter from his son. - Now Dad, you can grow potatoes. It was the best I could do from here.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Cop pulls a Redneck over and says, "Got any ID?"

Redneck replies, "'bout what?"

Love, Ima

[CameronBornAndBred]

Cop pulls a Redneck over and says, "Got any ID?"

Redneck replies, "'bout what?"

Love, Ima

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Golfer and his wife go into the dentist's office.
Golfer: "Doc, I have a tee time in half an hour. No time for anesthetic. Just go ahead and pull this painful tooth right now."
Dentist: "Which one is it?"
Golfer: "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

Love,Ima

[Bob Green]

My co-worker received an LSU credit card in the mail but he sent it back because you get Les Miles and no points.

[devildeac]

My co-worker received an LSU credit card in the mail but he sent it back because you get Les Miles and no points.

[lawgrad91]

My co-worker received an LSU credit card in the mail but he sent it back because you get Les Miles and no points.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Funny Football Quotes


"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" - John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." - Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!" - Knute Rockne/ Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat, That costs money, and we don't have any." - Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"I never graduated from Iowa . But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." - Alex Karras / Iowa

My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor." - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ?" He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? " "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former carolina football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

[devildeac]

Funny Football Quotes


"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" - John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." - Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!" - Knute Rockne/ Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat, That costs money, and we don't have any." - Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"I never graduated from Iowa . But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." - Alex Karras / Iowa

My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor." - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ?" He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? " "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former carolina football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

It would have been:



if they'd all been about the cheaters

[IowaDevil]

Funny Football Quotes


"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" - John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." - Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!" - Knute Rockne/ Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat, That costs money, and we don't have any." - Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama

Too funny!

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"I never graduated from Iowa . But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." - Alex Karras / Iowa

My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor." - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ?" He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? " "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former carolina football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.