Jokes

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Love, Ima

[CameronBornAndBred]

Continuing the golf jokes...

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new
course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging
over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you
sir?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering
young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes
sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says
softly,
"Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a
cheeseburger."

[IowaDevil]

You know how to start my day off with smiles & giggles!

[CameronBornAndBred]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

An oldie but a goodie!

[devildeac]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

I can't imagine what the bill would have been had the vet proceeded with a PET scan. Those isotopes and newer, fancier diagnostic tests and machines can get m-i-g-h-t-y expensive.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Holy humor:

Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as leader of the Christian world.
And Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

[IowaDevil]

too funny Ima! Thanks for the giggles!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I can't believe the Joke thread fell to page 4. No joke!

The chicken

Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound
dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the
space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to
simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to
test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about
the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high
speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the
British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood
shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the
control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo

-- "Defrost the chicken!" (True Story

[CameronBornAndBred]

Gotta watch out while riding the rails in the frozen tundra of London!

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Blonde Calendar of Events:


*January*
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

*February *
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Hello!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

*March*
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

*April *
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

*May*
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

*June*
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

*July*
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

*August*
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

*September *
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

*October*
Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel.

*November*
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

*December*
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!


Bless their beautiful blonde hearts,
Love, Ima

[CameronBornAndBred]

Bless their beautiful blonde hearts,
Love, Ima

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise

Most people don't know that back in

1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was

manufactured in England. In fact,

the Titanic was carrying 12,000

jars of the condiment scheduled

for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico,

which was to be the next port of call

for the great ship after its stop in

New York. This would have been

the largest single shipment of

mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico

... But as we know, the great ship

did not make it to New York. The

ship hit an iceberg and sank. The

people of Mexico, who were crazy

about mayonnaise, and were eagerly

awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate

at the loss. Their anguish was so

great, that they declared a National

Day of Mourning.



The National Day of Mourning occurs

each year on May 5 and is known,

of course, as -













Sinko De Mayo.



WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?

You need a shot of Tequila.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

GRRRRRROANNNNNN!
Love, Ima

[lawgrad91]

My friend sent me this earlier today....

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located and took out my
little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me, and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "NO!!!" So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren't very friendly there anyway!!!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

[DevilWearsPrada2.0]

For the CVS joke !!!! and for IMA's Blonde Jan - Dec Joke !!!

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

LG's funny pharmacy joke reminded me of a true story:

I have a friend ( a really big tarheel fan) who is a pharmacist. Coach K is a customer of his. He told me that one time a lady waiting in line along side K was telling him she was astounded that he would trust such an avid heel fan to fill his prescriptions. Coach responded dryly, "I always give the first pill to the dog."

Love, Ima

[Very Duke Blue]

LG and Ima, these are classic!