Jokes

[devildeac]

3-Holy Men & A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

I'm going to pass this one along, too.

I seriously hope the Reverend LG doesn't get any ideas...

[lawgrad91]

3-Holy Men & A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

I'm going to pass this one along, too.

I seriously hope the Reverend LG doesn't get any ideas...

Or CathyCA's Jon....

[OZZIE4DUKE]

The Password

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."


Not as funny as giving Art Shamski "9F9F9F" as his radio station password, but pretty darn funny!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

This is even funnier if you understand a Boston (Baahston) accent~





REASON FOR CROW ROAD KILLS


Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead
crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have
died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the
crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of
paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact
with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

"When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree
to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout
crows could shout "Cah", "Cah" not a single one could shout "Truck."

Absolutely amazing!

[devildeac]

This is even funnier if you understand a Boston (Baahston) accent~





REASON FOR CROW ROAD KILLS


Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead
crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have
died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the
crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of
paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact
with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

"When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree
to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout
crows could shout "Cah", "Cah" not a single one could shout "Truck."

Absolutely amazing!

That's why folks don't pahk their cahs in Hahvahd Yahd!

[DevilWearsPrada2.0]

PRECIOUS (Crystal Mangum aka Duke Lax accuser) found Guilty on 2nd degree murder today in the Durham courthouse!

www.wral.com

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

While visiting the country, the Pope decided to take a ride in his Popemobile along the NC coastline. Cruising along enjoying the scenery, he suddenly shouted for his driver to stop! He was horrified to see a guy in a UNC T-shirt flailing about trying to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark! Then an amazing thing happened, something he thought may even be a miracle. A boat raced up along side the man, carrying three fellows all wearing Duke shirts! One of them swiftly cast a harpoon into the side of the shark, released the victim and pulled him into the boat. Next, they beat the shark into submission and captured it in a net and hauled it on board as well.

The Pope motioned them over to shore where he lavishly and ceremoniously blessed the three for their extraordinary kindness and heroics in saving a man who was their hated rival.

After he drove away, the harpoon guy said, "Who was that?"
"Oh that was the Pope. He shares all the wisdom of God." was the mate's reply.
"Well, he may share all those smarts, he answered, but he sure as hell doesn't know a thing about shark fishin' ! How's the bait holding up?"
Love, Ima

[IowaDevil]

While visiting the country, the Pope decided to take a ride in his Popemobile along the NC coastline. Cruising along enjoying the scenery, he suddenly shouted for his driver to stop! He was horrified to see a guy in a UNC T-shirt flailing about trying to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark! Then an amazing thing happened, something he thought may even be a miracle. A boat raced up along side the man, carrying three fellows all wearing Duke shirts! One of them swiftly cast a harpoon into the side of the shark, released the victim and pulled him into the boat. Next, they beat the shark into submission and captured it in a net and hauled it on board as well.

The Pope motioned them over to shore where he lavishly and ceremoniously blessed the three for their extraordinary kindness and heroics in saving a man who was their hated rival.

After he drove away, the harpoon guy said, "Who was that?"
"Oh that was the Pope. He shares all the wisdom of God." was the mate's reply.
"Well, he may share all those smarts, he answered, but he sure as hell doesn't know a thing about shark fishin' ! How's the bait holding up?"

Love, Ima

[devildeac]

While visiting the country, the Pope decided to take a ride in his Popemobile along the NC coastline. Cruising along enjoying the scenery, he suddenly shouted for his driver to stop! He was horrified to see a guy in a UNC T-shirt flailing about trying to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark! Then an amazing thing happened, something he thought may even be a miracle. A boat raced up along side the man, carrying three fellows all wearing Duke shirts! One of them swiftly cast a harpoon into the side of the shark, released the victim and pulled him into the boat. Next, they beat the shark into submission and captured it in a net and hauled it on board as well.

The Pope motioned them over to shore where he lavishly and ceremoniously blessed the three for their extraordinary kindness and heroics in saving a man who was their hated rival.

After he drove away, the harpoon guy said, "Who was that?"
"Oh that was the Pope. He shares all the wisdom of God." was the mate's reply.
"Well, he may share all those smarts, he answered, but he sure as hell doesn't know a thing about shark fishin' ! How's the bait holding up?"
Love, Ima

I'm borrowing this and will credit you in the process.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Very very funny!

[Very Duke Blue]

I just caught up on the jokes. They are great, especially ima's Pope one.

[lawgrad91]

The joke about the minister, the priest and the rabbi and the bears was a gigantic hit at the Thanksgiving dinner.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A Christmas story...

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed. At one point,the wife was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

I understand the gentleman will be out of the hospital in time for Valentine's Day!

[CameronBornAndBred]

[-bdbd]

I feel the need for some Texas Aggie jokes on here....


Q: So, how many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three. Yep, one to eat the armadillo, and two to watch for traffic!


Q: Did you hear about the tornado that went through Texas Station last year?
A: Yes. I did $50M in improvements!


Q: Why did the Aggie drive around the block seven times?
A: His blinker was stuck.


Q: Hear about the Aggie who locked his keys in his car?
A: Unfortunately it took him three hours to finally get his family out.

[devildeac]

I feel the need for some Texas Aggie jokes on here....


Q: So, how many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three. Yep, one to eat the armadillo, and two to watch for traffic!


Q: Did you hear about the tornado that went through Texas Station last year?
A: Yes. I did $50M in improvements!


Q: Why did the Aggie drive around the block seven times?
A: His blinker was stuck.


Q: Hear about the Aggie who locked his keys in his car?
A: Unfortunately it took him three hours to finally get his family out.

Funny stuff, bdbd.

[August West]

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a cab home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!! AW.

[CameronBornAndBred]

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a cab home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!! AW.

[devildeac]

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a cab home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!! AW.

That would go well with some Double Bastard or Dogfather .

[CathyCA]

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a cab home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!! AW.