Jokes

[CameronBornAndBred]

this reminded me of someone we know......

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[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Sooooo cute. ;) Soooo true!
Love, Ima

[CameronBornAndBred]

I had to go do some work at a local nursing home this morning, and was not looking forward to it since they can be depressing places. As I was leaving, an elderly lady being pushed in her wheelchair by a nurse caught me as I walked past.
"Hey!" she said, so I turned around and politely said hi. She followed up, saying "you know you could be arrested in several states?". I asked her why that was, and she pulled out her frail, wavering hand and pointed at the length of my 6' 4" frame saying "for being that high!". I laughed out loud, she made my morning.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

No political comment intended. Just thought it was funny...

[CameronBornAndBred]

No political comment intended. Just thought it was funny...

Oh lord...

[CathyCA]

No political comment intended. Just thought it was funny...

She's not turning 50 until July 23, 2023.

[captmojo]

No political comment intended. Just thought it was funny...

She's not turning 50 until July 23, 2023.

It still seems as if it were only yesterday...

I wish I could remember yesterday.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A good clean joke for a change!



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Two Trees and a Woodpecker



It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:



Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'



The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.



The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'



The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[CameronBornAndBred]

A
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[CameronBornAndBred]

[captmojo]

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Nice! I am particularly fond of #9.

[devildeac]

A patient gave me a shirt last year that has "Romanian Cardiologist-Dr. Acula" on it. I kid you not. I will try to post a photo tonight.

[lawgrad91]

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I have done #4 at a Commonwealth's Attorney's conference.

[CameronBornAndBred]

A patient gave me a shirt last year that has "Romanian Cardiologist-Dr. Acula" on it. I kid you not. I will try to post a photo tonight.

Passed along from DD.

[devildeac]

A patient gave me a shirt last year that has "Romanian Cardiologist-Dr. Acula" on it. I kid you not. I will try to post a photo tonight.

Passed along from DD.

Dr.Acula.jpg

Thanks!

And the heart even has those devilish little horns...

[devildeac]

50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS


MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.


EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."


ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50
DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."



A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.



MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW,
I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."



ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT
HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."



THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."



MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT.



THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS. BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.



WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY
SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

[DevilAlumna]

A woman asked her computer scientist husband to run to the store for her. She said, "Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The husband dutifully left, did the shopping, came home.

The wife looked at the bounty, and asked, "why the heck did you get 12 gallons of milk!?!"

"They had eggs."

[CameronBornAndBred]

A woman asked her computer scientist husband to run to the store for her. She said, "Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The husband dutifully left, did the shopping, came home.

The wife looked at the bounty, and asked, "why the heck did you get 12 gallons of milk!?!"

"They had eggs."

Grammarian humor.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

A woman asked her computer scientist husband to run to the store for her. She said, "Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The husband dutifully left, did the shopping, came home.

The wife looked at the bounty, and asked, "why the heck did you get 12 gallons of milk!?!"

"They had eggs."

You forget I'm married to the OP, bless his heart. This makes perfect sense.
Love, Ima

[CathyCA]

These are funny.