Jokes

[OZZIE4DUKE]

January Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

[captmojo]

January Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

They left out Bromidrosis. (Stink foot)

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some pokey old senior is going to shuffle by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice hollered, " Hey boys! What are you selling in here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, We didn't get old by being stupid!
Love, Ima

[lawgrad91]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some pokey old senior is going to shuffle by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice hollered, " Hey boys! What are you selling in here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, We didn't get old by being stupid!
Love, Ima

I just spit coffee over my iPad and onto my class notebook, Ima.

[CathyCA]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some pokey old senior is going to shuffle by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice hollered, " Hey boys! What are you selling in here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, We didn't get old by being stupid!
Love, Ima

This tickles me!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some pokey old senior is going to shuffle by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice hollered, " Hey boys! What are you selling in here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, We didn't get old by being stupid!
Love, Ima

[IowaDevil]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some pokey old senior is going to shuffle by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice hollered, " Hey boys! What are you selling in here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, We didn't get old by being stupid!
Love, Ima

Well that made the old timer ID's laugh!

[captmojo]

Quite nice. Worthy of my stealing.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

You may recall from a Physics course that the period of a
pendulum is proportional to the square root of the length
of the line suspending the weight - i.e., the longer the
pendulum, the slower it swings.
Harvard students built a device with a series of 15 pendulums in a row,
each one slightly longer than its neighbor, then set them
in motion and filmed the result.
The resulting patterns in this short video are fascinating to watch.


http://sciencedemonstrations.fas.harvar ... tent341734

[CameronBornAndBred]

You may recall from a Physics course that the period of a
pendulum is proportional to the square root of the length
of the line suspending the weight - i.e., the longer the
pendulum, the slower it swings.
Harvard students built a device with a series of 15 pendulums in a row,
each one slightly longer than its neighbor, then set them
in motion and filmed the result.
The resulting patterns in this short video are fascinating to watch.


http://sciencedemonstrations.fas.harvar ... tent341734

That's very cool....but it's got to be the worst joke in here.

[CathyCA]

You may recall from a Physics course that the period of a
pendulum is proportional to the square root of the length
of the line suspending the weight - i.e., the longer the
pendulum, the slower it swings. Harvard students built a device with a series of 15 pendulums in a row,
each one slightly longer than its neighbor, then set them
in motion and filmed the result.
The resulting patterns in this short video are fascinating to watch.


http://sciencedemonstrations.fas.harvar ... tent341734

No, I don't recall that.

It's a very cool video. I forwarded it to Christian in the hopes that it might inspire his next math or science project.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

You may recall from a Physics course that the period of a
pendulum is proportional to the square root of the length
of the line suspending the weight - i.e., the longer the
pendulum, the slower it swings.
Harvard students built a device with a series of 15 pendulums in a row,
each one slightly longer than its neighbor, then set them
in motion and filmed the result.
The resulting patterns in this short video are fascinating to watch.


http://sciencedemonstrations.fas.harvar ... tent341734

That's very cool....but it's got to be the worst joke in here.

I debated putting the post in the LTE2.0 instead of the joke thread, but figured more people would see it here! ;) You're right though, it's not a joke. No soap, radio!

[devildeac]

I dunno, I thought it was pretty damned funny. At least as funny as the koala joke .

But, then I am very easily amused sometimes.

[captmojo]

[devildeac]

The Beverly Hillbilly's neighbors decided they were taking their first trip to NYC and were amazed at the plane flight into the city and the harrowing taxi ride to their huge hotel. They weren't quite sure what they would do when the clerk told them their room was on the 40th floor so the clerk directed them to the elevators down the hall and instructed them to push the up arrow/button, wait for the bell to sound, the light to go off and the door to open. So, they went and waited. Just in front of them was a little old lady who had been waiting briefly and the elevator arrived as advertised with a light, bell and the door opened. She stepped in, the door closed and she disappeared. The hillbillies stood there astounded. Less than a minute later, the light went off, the bell sounded and the door opened and out stepped a gorgeous, statuesque brunette who said hello and disappeared into the lobby. Junior said to his father, "Holy cow, did you just see that, Pa?" Pop replied, "You bet I did son. Go get mama and make it quick!"

;)

[OZZIE4DUKE]

This one is especially for DA!

This is TOO good! Yes, this IS what they would do if they were still here!
Read on:

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

That would be sad if it weren't so funny!!!
Love, Ima

[CameronBornAndBred]

That's awesome!

[lawgrad91]

Sounds like the conversation between Charlie Brown the IT guy (yes, it's his real name and I don't know if he has a dog named Snoopy) and PHB on Wednesday afternoon....

[windsor]

this reminded me of someone we know......