Jokes

[devildeac]

I heard it has been so dry in Texas so far this year that two trees were recently seen fighting over the same dog...

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I heard it has been so dry in Texas so far this year that two trees were recently seen fighting over the same dog...

[CameronBornAndBred]

peanutbaby.jpg (20.28 KiB) Viewed 586 times

[OZZIE4DUKE]

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but,please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ....
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,
press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money,press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater,start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

The new Mazda Pi

[CameronBornAndBred]

This one is for Ozzie

An interesting fact
Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

CB&B, that's very good, but if we're going to break into the archives... here's a couple for you.

S(pecial) H(igh) I(ntensity) T(raining)


MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees

FROM: Communications Services

SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.

Thank You.

Boss in General SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

[CameronBornAndBred]

CB&B, that's very good, but if we're going to break into the archives... here's a couple for you.

S(pecial) H(igh) I(ntensity) T(raining)

Thank You.

Boss in General SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

[OZZIE4DUKE]

And of course there is this one. (I know it has been debunked on Snopes.com, but quite frankly, I don't give a shit...)

Subject: History

In the Battle of Agincourt, the French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut off a certain body part of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in the battle in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance.

Question: What was this body part?

ANSWER: The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger. Without the middle finger it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew". Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!" Over the years some "folk etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "F" and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird". Well now you know where our English came from.

[devildeac]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger.."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you
don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

You should have been sitting next to this girl on the plane because it's very obvious you know your Special High Intensity Training very well.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Always doing my utmost to keep it classy around here, I offer these words to the wise:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America :
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.



And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

Love, Ima

[IowaDevil]

Always doing my utmost to keep it classy around here, I offer these words to the wise:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America :
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.



And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

Love, Ima

[Very Duke Blue]

Always doing my utmost to keep it classy around here, I offer these words to the wise:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America :
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.



And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

Love, Ima

[devildeac]

Always doing my utmost to keep it classy around here, I offer these words to the wise:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America :
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.



And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

Love, Ima

Trouser cleavage/crack:

[captmojo]

[devildeac]

From the Eeel River Brewing Comapnay site:

Q: What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?














A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.


See, these beer pages aren't just good for info about IBU, ABV, hops, malts and yeasties .


Review to follow. On the proper thread.

[CathyCA]

From the Eeel River Brewing Comapnay site:

Q: What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?














A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.


See, these beer pages aren't just good for info about IBU, ABV, hops, malts and yeasties .


Review to follow. On the proper thread.

Oh my gosh! For a nanosecond, I thought I had clicked into the "Ymmmm, Beer!" thread.

[devildeac]

From the Eeel River Brewing Comapnay site:

Q: What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?














A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.


See, these beer pages aren't just good for info about IBU, ABV, hops, malts and yeasties .


Review to follow. On the proper thread.

Oh my gosh! For a nanosecond, I thought I had clicked into the "Ymmmm, Beer!" thread.

HA! That's why I posted it here. I figured next to no one would read it on the beer thread .

And I do know it's company. Bad proof-reading blamed on not enough caffeine this AM. I'm better now. I think. Oooh, wrong thread. That should be in the good morning thread .

[CathyCA]

From the Eeel River Brewing Comapnay site:

Q: What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?














A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.


See, these beer pages aren't just good for info about IBU, ABV, hops, malts and yeasties .


Review to follow. On the proper thread.

Oh my gosh! For a nanosecond, I thought I had clicked into the "Ymmmm, Beer!" thread.

HA! That's why I posted it here. I figured next to no one would read it on the beer thread .

And I do know it's company. Bad proof-reading blamed on not enough caffeine this AM. I'm better now. I think. Oooh, wrong thread. That should be in the good morning thread .

Are you afraid that I'm going to cut and paste your error for everyone to see it? I didn't see it until you pointed it out. I don't always excel at accelerated reading. ;)

[devildeac]

From the Eeel River Brewing Comapnay site:

Q: What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?














A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.


See, these beer pages aren't just good for info about IBU, ABV, hops, malts and yeasties .


Review to follow. On the proper thread.

HA! That's why I posted it here. I figured next to no one would read it on the beer thread .

And I do know it's company. Bad proof-reading blamed on not enough caffeine this AM. I'm better now. I think. Oooh, wrong thread. That should be in the good morning thread .

Are you afraid that I'm going to cut and paste your error for everyone to see it? I didn't see it until you pointed it out. I don't always excel at accelerated reading. ;)

At least you were being straights wish me.

Just don't ax me any more grammar (or grammpar) questions.