Jokes

[CameronBornAndBred]

"Oy. It's true, Love. Never been with a woman in all my life. But, if it's anything like sex with a 'Roo', we're gonna need all the space we can get!

[captmojo]

One afternoon, the 6 yr old boy asked his mother where babies came from. Mom said, "Why, the Stork, of course."
































"Stork?", the child repeated. "Well then...who fucks the Stork?"

[CameronBornAndBred]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"
The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 400 BCE !!


Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip!

In ancient Greece, Socrates (469 - 399 BCE) was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to try a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the man.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the third test though, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

" I'm not sure."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
Love, Ima

[lawgrad91]

Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 400 BCE !!


Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip!

In ancient Greece, Socrates (469 - 399 BCE) was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to try a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the man.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the third test though, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

" I'm not sure."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
Love, Ima

[CathyCA]

After the 83 year old lady finished her annual physical exam, her doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out, "Henry, do we still have intercourse?" You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times! What we have is. . .
























Blue Cross!"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

[captmojo]

After the 83 year old lady finished her annual physical exam, her doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out, "Henry, do we still have intercourse?" You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times! What we have is. . .
























Blue Cross!"

If my Dad were still alive...I could see my parents having such an exchange.

[Very Duke Blue]

I just caught up this thread. SO FUNNY.

[captmojo]

Tom was making a reservation at a Hotel near where he was to attend a convention. At the end of his conversation, he told the clerk that she should "Make sure that the television porno is disabled."

This was answered by the clerk with the reply that, "Sir, I don't know exactly what other sick shit you're into but I'll have you know that ALL our porn is of the normal style, you twisted bastard!"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

If you are over 45 yrs old, you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test





How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S















| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert!!

[devildeac]

If you are over 45 yrs old, you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test





How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S















| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert!!

I got 3 correct and guessed BOOTS for #6. What does that make me?

[OZZIE4DUKE]

If you are over 45 yrs old, you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test





How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S















| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert!!

I got 3 correct and guessed BOOTS for #6. What does that make me?

A smart-ass!

[devildeac]

If you are over 45 yrs old, you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test





How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S















| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert!!

I got 3 correct and guessed BOOTS for #6. What does that make me?

A smart-ass!

If I got 50% of them correct, I figured it would make me half-assed .

[CathyCA]

If you are over 45 yrs old, you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test





How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S















| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert!!

Clearly, I need to go shopping.

I guessed

FANDOM
FORK
PANTS
PURSE
SOX
BOOTS

[captmojo]

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Capt., I take it you don't need to go shopping?

[captmojo]

I guess I told on myself.

[captmojo]

Two old ladies were in Las Vegas, sitting next to one another at the slots.
One looks at the other and asks,"Did you come on the bus?"
The second lady says, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Two old ladies were in Las Vegas, sitting next to one another at the slots.
One looks at the other and asks,"Did you come on the bus?"
The second lady says, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.

Their three kids, all very successful,

Agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor..

'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one ...

'Sorry I'm running late.

I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient,
You know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'

'Not to worry,' said the father.

'The important thing is that we're all together today.'

Son number two arrived and announced,

'You and Mom look great, Dad.

I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions

And didn't have time to shop for you.'

'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'

Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary!

I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and

I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.'

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

'There's something your mother

And I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

You see, we were very poor.

Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.

Throughout the years your mother

And I knew that we loved each other very much,

But we just never found the time to get married.'

The three children gasped and all said,

'You mean we're bastards?'

'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.'