Jokes

[ArkieDukie]

Ozzie, I wouldn't worry about the NCAA on this one. They didn't figure out McAdoo's plagiarism until our friends from Raleigh pointed it out.

There may be a joke in here somewhere. Something along these lines: How many NC State students does it take to find a UNC football player guilty of plagiarism?

Ideas for the punchline?

One more then the number of UNC administrators willing to turn said player in

Ooh - good one! We may have a winner!

[DukieInKansas]

A Wish to Live Forever

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bas****," said the fairy.

[captmojo]

After the first day of school, little Johnny sat on the couch next to his father while both awaited the completion of dinner.

Dad: "How was school today?"
Johnny: "Teacher was teaching us some new words today. But, I got confused. What the difference between 'literally' and 'figuratively'?"
Dad: " I'll show you by example. Mom's in the kitchen cooking dinner. Go in there and ask her if she'd be willing to have sex with the old, ugly neighbor man, for a million dollars."
When Johnny got back...
Dad: "What did she say?"
Johnny: "She said she thought she would. So, what's the difference between 'literally' and 'figuratively'?"
Dad: "Your sister is upstairs in her room. Go up there and ask her the same question, then come back and tell me what she says."
When Johnny returned...
Dad: "What did she say?"
Johnny: "She said 'HELL YEAH!' Now tell me. What's the differencebetween 'figuratively' and 'literally'?"
After a pause, Dad said...















Dad: "Figuratively, we now have two million dollars. Literally, we are living with a couple of HOs."

[CameronBornAndBred]

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
......"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.

You already know how to fish!"

[captmojo]

I know fellers like that. Sounds familiar.

[CathyCA]

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt, and was named 'Ahmal.' The other went to a family in Spain; they named him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receipt of the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responded, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[ArkieDukie]

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt, and was named 'Ahmal.' The other went to a family in Spain; they named him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receipt of the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responded, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Very punny, Cathy!

[DukieInKansas]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting cold so they decided to light a fire in their boat. It promptly sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

[ArkieDukie]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting cold so they decided to light a fire in their boat. It promptly sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Very punny, DinK!

[CameronBornAndBred]

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt, and was named 'Ahmal.' The other went to a family in Spain; they named him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receipt of the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responded, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[CameronBornAndBred]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting cold so they decided to light a fire in their boat. It promptly sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Got this in an email this morning from an old friend. Gotta wonder...

Ebay Scam





This is especially cruel to us older guys.

Careful what you purchase on EBAY.....

Spent $50 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in direct sunlight

[devildeac]

One of my patients walked up to the front entrance of a local nursing home and noticed there were several old women laying on the grass in front of the facility and they were completely naked. So, before he visited his elderly uncle, he went by the director's office and told her about the naked women on the front lawn. The director told my patient that it was nothing to be concerned about and they were all just old prostitutes who thought they were having a yard sale.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

If this doesn't bring a smile to your face, nothing will. Rated G. Have your sound on (background music is playing and is vital to the video - it can be low if you're in an office, crank it up if you're not!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=cq ... gdata_plaJ

[captmojo]

Damn! I think one of those was Skillet!

[CameronBornAndBred]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me," he replied.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me," he replied.

Been there, done that... don't want to do it again...

[devildeac]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me," he replied.

Been there, done that... don't want to do it again...

I did not know you and Mrs. Ozzie had a dog .

[captmojo]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me," he replied.

I had a Hell of a lot of fun with this one today! Thanks.

[captmojo]

A Las Vegas prostitute of some note, had reached 65 years of age and had amassed quite a fortune through work and investment. She was asked if she was now ready to retire. She said she had had relations with darn near every type of person in darn near every type of situation, except one. She had never made it with a 65 year old male virgin. If she could ever find him, she would stop working and marry him.

He was found. A 65 year old male virgin was discovered in the outback of Austrailia.

Arrangements were made to get them together. Nuptuals were had. Honeymoon next.

They checked in to a swanky hotel for their honeymoon. After unpacking in their suite, she told her new hubby to make himself ready while she stepped aside into the restroom to make herself ready for him. Upon her return to the bedroom, she found her new man naked, sitting cross-legged in the center of the room's floor, and all the furniture removed and stacked up in the sitting room of the suite. Startled, she told him she was surprised he appeared to be a little kinky with this behavior. "Was it really true, you have never been with a woman before? Why move out all the furnishings?"



























"Oy. It's true, Love. Never been with a woman in all my life. But, if it's anything like sex with a 'Roo', we're gonna need all the space we can get!