Jokes

[lawgrad91]

Cannibal walks into a Cannibal Restaurant. Sits down to look over the menu:

Tourist $5
Broiled Missionary $10
Fried Explorer $15
Baked Democrat $100
Grilled Republican $100

"Why are the politicians so expensive?" he asks the waiter.

"Have you ever tried to clean one o' them things?", he replies. "They're so full of shit it takes us all morning!"

Love, Ima

[lawgrad91]

Cannibal walks into a Cannibal Restaurant. Sits down to look over the menu:

Tourist $5
Broiled Missionary $10
Fried Explorer $15
Baked Democrat $100
Grilled Republican $100

"Why are the politicians so expensive?" he asks the waiter.

"Have you ever tried to clean one o' them things?", he replies. "They're so full of shit it takes us all morning!"

Love, Ima

So sad.
So true.

Very good. I "borrowed" this to use on Facebook! Hope the NCAA (and the Duke Judicial board) doesn't mind...

Ozzie, I wouldn't worry about the NCAA on this one. They didn't figure out McAdoo's plagiarism until our friends from Raleigh pointed it out.

[Very Duke Blue]

THE GOLFING NUN...... A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ .'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee... And this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... And I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... And it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f....ing putt, didn't you?'


I missed one of about that length for par today on 17...

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I'm glad I never had to have this conversation with my daughter. Much less on a train with others listening...



http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed6475 ... rst-period

[OZZIE4DUKE]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

– John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

[CameronBornAndBred]

– John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

I was thinking the whole time "how Pythonish".

[Jesus_hurley]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
....

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

These two were my favorites

[DukieInKansas]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
....

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

These two were my favorites

And it brings to mind this building in Paris:

The name of the building is: Grande Arche de la Défense

[captmojo]

"Lose", could be added to the Italian traits.
My Dad used to always tell me how, "Italy has never won a war, though they have been in on the start of many."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Cajun Sex

Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age.

After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Pierre Part. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow with a big towel that was having any difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Houma to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, 'And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!'

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Love, Ima

[OZZIE4DUKE]

How twins are made...I thought this
was just plain cute. So this is how
they do it... One of life's great mysteries solved.


(Only thirty years ago, no one would have
understood this joke!)

[OZZIE4DUKE]

It's all about balance...

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Duke University, one of the most glorious places on earth. Near by there are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, beaches. The people from Duke are going to be beautiful, modest, intelligent, and have a great sense of humor. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I also created chapel hill. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[CathyCA]

It's all about balance...

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Duke University, one of the most glorious places on earth. Near by there are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, beaches. The people from Duke are going to be beautiful, modest, intelligent, and have a great sense of humor. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I also created Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Oh. I thought this was going to be about Chapel Hill.

[devildeac]

It's all about balance...

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Duke University, one of the most glorious places on earth. Near by there are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, beaches. The people from Duke are going to be beautiful, modest, intelligent, and have a great sense of humor. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I also created Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Oh. I thought this was going to be about Chapel Hill.

Either/both fit the description.

[ArkieDukie]

Ozzie, I wouldn't worry about the NCAA on this one. They didn't figure out McAdoo's plagiarism until our friends from Raleigh pointed it out.

There may be a joke in here somewhere. Something along these lines: How many NC State students does it take to find a UNC football player guilty of plagiarism?

Ideas for the punchline?

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Ozzie, I wouldn't worry about the NCAA on this one. They didn't figure out McAdoo's plagiarism until our friends from Raleigh pointed it out.

There may be a joke in here somewhere. Something along these lines: How many NC State students does it take to find a UNC football player guilty of plagiarism?

Ideas for the punchline?

One (with a computer who knows how to use Google).

[ArkieDukie]

Ozzie, I wouldn't worry about the NCAA on this one. They didn't figure out McAdoo's plagiarism until our friends from Raleigh pointed it out.

There may be a joke in here somewhere. Something along these lines: How many NC State students does it take to find a UNC football player guilty of plagiarism?

Ideas for the punchline?

One (with a computer who knows how to use Google).

One, once a Duke alum teaches him/her how to use Google?

[OZZIE4DUKE]

It's all about balance...

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Duke University, one of the most glorious places on earth. Near by there are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, beaches. The people from Duke are going to be beautiful, modest, intelligent, and have a great sense of humor. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I also created chapel hill. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Oh. I thought this was going to be about Chapel Hill.

Either/both fit the description.

Cathy, I like your version better!

[Jesus_hurley]

Ozzie, I wouldn't worry about the NCAA on this one. They didn't figure out McAdoo's plagiarism until our friends from Raleigh pointed it out.

There may be a joke in here somewhere. Something along these lines: How many NC State students does it take to find a UNC football player guilty of plagiarism?

Ideas for the punchline?

One more then the number of UNC administrators willing to turn said player in