Jokes

[OZZIE4DUKE]

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.

[DevilWearsPrada2.0]

It was announced yesterday, that Mrs Anthony (Huma Abedin) Weiner is pregnant.

Weiner has a "BUN in the OVEN."


(The best to Huma on her pregnancy).

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Too good not to share!

English 101..... A lesson.


In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and
more people who send text messages and emails have long
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the
statement below. I cannot stress enough how grammar is very
important to it.


"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse ... and ... helping your uncle jack off a horse."


Is everybody clear on that?

[CameronBornAndBred]

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I got a couple of these right...



New High School Exit Exam

New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?


2) Which country makes Panama hats?



3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?



7) What was King George VI's first name?



8) What color is a purple finch?



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.


Check your answers below ....

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too.


(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)


Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may chuckle at themselves too.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

I've taken this "test" already. I only got the Canary Islands and the Purple Finch right.
LOve, Ima

[EarlJam]

I got a couple of these right...



New High School Exit Exam

New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?


2) Which country makes Panama hats?



3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?



7) What was King George VI's first name?



8) What color is a purple finch?



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.


Check your answers below ....

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too.


(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)


Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may chuckle at themselves too.

I got two: the one about the purple finch and the black box in an airplane.

Well, okay, for purple finch I put "red," but that's close enough, right?

-EarlJam

[EarlJam]

Q: Why can't the Pillsbury Dough Boy every sustain a relationship?

A: He's way too kneady!

Hardy, har,..........um, har?



-EarlJam

[captmojo]

The Allied repair shop had done all the necessary things to the BUTT I drive, in order to have a properly operating driveshaft, and it is clear for me to move back into and use.

I spent all last night in the driver's seat, awaiting a tow back to Walkertown that finally arrived at 3:00am this, in the driveway of Crossroads Ford, Sanford.

At least there was a Wendy's, Chick-Fil-A, and many other choices for time killing nearby.

I've slept away the day, today.

The joke is the first line.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does a case of Miller Lite and it's half the price.'
HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

[CameronBornAndBred]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does a case of Miller Lite and it's half the price.'
HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

[YmoBeThere]

I started a joke, that started the whole world...

[DevilAlumna]

http://cgi.ebay.com/UNC-The-Carolina-Wa ... _500wt_922

[devildeac]

http://cgi.ebay.com/UNC-The-Carolina-Wa ... _500wt_922

Hope y'all have seen this one:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/748a03 ... estigation

[captmojo]

http://cgi.ebay.com/UNC-The-Carolina-Wa ... _500wt_922

Hope y'all have seen this one:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/748a03 ... estigation

I have now. Thanks to you both.

[captmojo]

I started a joke, that started the whole world...

...hating the BeeGees.

[ArkieDukie]

http://cgi.ebay.com/UNC-The-Carolina-Wa ... _500wt_922

Hope y'all have seen this one:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/748a03 ... estigation

I think I had seen it, but I had forgotten. Absolutely priceless. Thanks, devildeac!

[CathyCA]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on! You don't even know the way to the post office."

;)

[CameronBornAndBred]

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on! You don't even know the way to the post office."

[devildeac]

Q: What do you get when you combine PMS with GPS?
















A: A crazy bitch who WILL find you.