Jokes

DukieInKansas · Post by **DukieInKansas** » March 22nd, 2011, 4:23 pm

windsor wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:Nobody has posted a new joke in almost a month. Slackers.

Ok fine...how's this:

THE BIG EAST

Very Good!

captmojo · Post by **captmojo** » March 22nd, 2011, 10:13 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:Nobody has posted a new joke in almost a month. Slackers.

Okay. I'm here to help.

A man was out driving through the country on fine, sunny, summer Sunday, when he drove past an old farmhouse and saw a sign in the driveway that read, "Talking Dog For Sale". Curious-natured, he had to check it out. After knocking on the door the farmer that answered, told the man that the dog was out back and would say all he needed to know.
Walking to the back he heard a voice..."How's it Going?" The man replied to the question, then asked where the dog had been throughout his life.
Dog: "I started out life on a very large hunting lodge grounds. Many celebrities hunted there. I hunted with many of the rich and famous but then, one day, the owner sold me to the Army, where I worked at sniffing out explosives. My handler got his discharge and I went then, to work for the police, sniffing out cocaine. My handler there retired and then I was sold at auction, to the farmer you met at the house.
The man then said his goodbyes to the dog, went back to the house and knocked at the door again.
Farmer: "Well, what a ya think?
Man: "I'm very interested. What will it take to buy the dog?"
Farmer: I'll take 10 bucks."
Man: "Ten bucks? Why so cheap? I know he's old but..."
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Farmer: "That damn dog's got to go! He's such a terrible liar!"

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » March 22nd, 2011, 10:19 pm

Be careful what you ask in court:

http://mail.aol.com/33426-111/aol-6/en- ... l&partId=4

OZZIE4DUKE · Post by **OZZIE4DUKE** » March 24th, 2011, 10:42 am

I have no idea why someone sent me this list, and fortunately I don't know what they are talking about, but I thought I'd post it here anyway!

Senior Texting Code

Since more and more Seniors are texting, tweeting & emailing there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code)

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CGIU: Can't get IT up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped in my pants
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

OZZIE4DUKE · Post by **OZZIE4DUKE** » March 28th, 2011, 8:27 pm

Not a joke but a lot of fun to watch!
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=qybUFnY7Y8w

EarlJam · Post by **EarlJam** » March 29th, 2011, 10:43 am

A priest, the Dalai Lama, and a tuna fish sandwich walk into a bar.

Says the bartender, "Really?"

-EarlJam

Post by **wilson** » March 29th, 2011, 10:52 am

EarlJam wrote:A priest, the Dalai Lama, and a tuna fish sandwich walk into a bar.

Says the bartender, "Really?"

-EarlJam

A man walks into a bar.
Then he says, "Mother fucker! That hurt!"

CameronBornAndBred · Post by **CameronBornAndBred** » March 29th, 2011, 12:13 pm

wilson wrote:
EarlJam wrote:A priest, the Dalai Lama, and a tuna fish sandwich walk into a bar.

Says the bartender, "Really?"

-EarlJam
A man walks into a bar.
Then he says, "Mother fucker! That hurt!"

A fish swam into a wall. He said "Dam!"

EarlJam · Post by **EarlJam** » March 29th, 2011, 1:58 pm

Okay, is it even possible for Apple to sue Tropicana for, sayyyyyyyyyyyy, illegal use of it's technology (e.g., Tropicana uses some of same technology for it's juicing and product packaging).

I mean, wouldn't this immediately be over-ruled by a judge in court? Afterall, you ARE comparing apples to oranges.

-EarlJam

Ima Facultiwyfe · Post by **Ima Facultiwyfe** » March 29th, 2011, 4:59 pm

Coach K, while sightseeing in San Francisco, noticed an interesting bronze statue of a rat in an antique store window. He went in and asked the owner, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replied, "Ten bucks for the rat and another hundred for the story behind it."

" I'll just take the rat. You can skip the story." replied K and for ten dollars he walked out of the store with the rat statue under his arm.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a live rat scurry out of an alley and begin to follow him. Then, out from under a grocer's sidewalk display, another rat came out to join it. Coach quickened his step as he walked down the hilly street toward the docks. As he continued on, more and more rats came out from sewers, side streets, and trash cans from all sides, falling in with the others behind him. Soon there were hundreds of them! Coach began to run as fast as he could toward the bay. Arriving at the shore and out of breath, he heaved the statue into the water. All the rats ran right into the bay after it and drowned!!!

Exhausted, Coach dragged himself back up the hill to the antique shop and went in.
"AHA! Said the owner. I see you came back for the story behind the bronze rat !"
"No, replied Krzyzewski, "I just want to know if you have any bronze tarheels."

CameronBornAndBred · Post by **CameronBornAndBred** » March 29th, 2011, 5:01 pm

Ima Facultiwyfe wrote:"No, replied Krzyzewski, "I just want to know if you have any bronze tarheels."

OZZIE4DUKE · Post by **OZZIE4DUKE** » March 29th, 2011, 6:11 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
Ima Facultiwyfe wrote:"No, replied Krzyzewski, "I just want to know if you have any bronze tarheels."

Post by **wilson** » March 29th, 2011, 7:17 pm

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Wanna go ride bikes?

EarlJam · Post by **EarlJam** » March 30th, 2011, 2:28 pm

wilson wrote:Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Wanna go ride bikes?

Awesome.

-EarlJam

EarlJam · Post by **EarlJam** » March 30th, 2011, 2:35 pm

Not really a joke but has anyone ever seen that color video footage of Hitler with his dog. I mean, come on. Hitler had a dog? One of the great things about dogs is that they love unconditionally. You know what this means, right?

So whenever Adolf fuckin' Hitler would come home from his day of planning genocide and Europe-wide oppression, that damn dog would be jumping up and down at the door thinking, "Hitler! Hitler!!! It's Hitler!! YES!! Hitler!! My Hitler's home!!! Feed me Hitler! Walk me Hitler! I love you Hitler!"

Now, Eva may have said all this too, but only the dog comes out innocent. I just kind of find the whole Hitler/dog ownership thing interesting.

-EarlJam

CameronBornAndBred · Post by **CameronBornAndBred** » March 31st, 2011, 8:12 am

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

EarlJam · Post by **EarlJam** » March 31st, 2011, 6:53 pm

So a Wake student, a Duke student, and a unc student were captured and placed in front of a firing squad. The squad picked up their rifles.

"What do we do," asked the Wake student.

"Create a diversion, sayyyy, a natural disaster, then run," replied the Duke student. "Just watch me."

"READY! AIM!..."

"Tornado," screamed the Duke student. When the soldiers turned their heads to look, the Duke student ran off to freedom.

"I see," thought the Wake student.

"READY! AIM!......"

"Tidal Wave," cried the Wake student. When the soldiers turned around to look, he ran off to freedom.

"Okay, I can do this," thought the unc student.

"READY! AIM!......."

"FIRE!!!" screamed the tarhole at the top of his lungs. No freedom for you!

-EarlJam

DukieInKansas · Post by **DukieInKansas** » April 5th, 2011, 5:14 pm

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a
medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people
having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife
on the butt and having the Balls to say, 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

CameronBornAndBred · Post by **CameronBornAndBred** » April 5th, 2011, 5:18 pm

DukieInKansas wrote: Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

CathyCA · Post by **CathyCA** » April 8th, 2011, 1:06 pm

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The elderly lady calling the newspaper's circulation department loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," replied the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as the old lady muttered. . .

"Well, shit! That explains why no one was at church today."

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