Jokes
Moderator: CameronBornAndBred
- OZZIE4DUKE
- PWing School Chancellor
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Re: Jokes
The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.
Your paradigm of optimism
Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell!
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!
http://ecogreen.greentechaffiliate.com
Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell!
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!
http://ecogreen.greentechaffiliate.com
-
- PWing School Professor
- Posts: 4330
- Joined: December 31st, 2010, 9:20 am
Re: Jokes
It was announced yesterday, that Mrs Anthony (Huma Abedin) Weiner is pregnant.
Weiner has a "BUN in the OVEN."
(The best to Huma on her pregnancy).
Weiner has a "BUN in the OVEN."
(The best to Huma on her pregnancy).
- OZZIE4DUKE
- PWing School Chancellor
- Posts: 14440
- Joined: April 8th, 2009, 7:43 pm
- Location: Home! Watching carolina Go To Hell! :9f:
Re: Jokes
Too good not to share!
English 101..... A lesson.
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and
more people who send text messages and emails have long
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the
statement below. I cannot stress enough how grammar is very
important to it.
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse ... and ... helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
Your paradigm of optimism
Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell!
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!
http://ecogreen.greentechaffiliate.com
Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell!
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!
http://ecogreen.greentechaffiliate.com
- CameronBornAndBred
- PWing School Chancellor
- Posts: 16076
- Joined: April 8th, 2009, 7:03 pm
- Location: New Bern, NC
- Contact:
Re: Jokes
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Duke born, Duke bred, cooking on a grill so I'm tailgate fed.
- OZZIE4DUKE
- PWing School Chancellor
- Posts: 14440
- Joined: April 8th, 2009, 7:43 pm
- Location: Home! Watching carolina Go To Hell! :9f:
Re: Jokes
I got a couple of these right...
New High School Exit Exam
New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ....
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may chuckle at themselves too.
New High School Exit Exam
New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ....
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may chuckle at themselves too.
Your paradigm of optimism
Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell!
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!
http://ecogreen.greentechaffiliate.com
Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell!
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!
http://ecogreen.greentechaffiliate.com
- Ima Facultiwyfe
- PWing School Professor
- Posts: 4270
- Joined: April 9th, 2009, 11:33 am
- Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Re: Jokes
I've taken this "test" already. I only got the Canary Islands and the Purple Finch right.
LOve, Ima
LOve, Ima
"We will never NEVER go away." -- D. Cutcliffe
- EarlJam
- PWing School Associate Professor
- Posts: 3235
- Joined: April 9th, 2009, 2:58 pm
- Location: Atlanta, GA
- Contact:
Re: Jokes
I got two: the one about the purple finch and the black box in an airplane.OZZIE4DUKE wrote:I got a couple of these right...
New High School Exit Exam
New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ....
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may chuckle at themselves too.
Well, okay, for purple finch I put "red," but that's close enough, right?
-EarlJam
Your mama wears combat boots to bed.
- captmojo
- PWing School Endowed Professor
- Posts: 5096
- Joined: April 12th, 2009, 12:20 pm
- Location: It's lonely out in space on such a timeless flight.
Re: Jokes
The Allied repair shop had done all the necessary things to the BUTT I drive, in order to have a properly operating driveshaft, and it is clear for me to move back into and use.
I spent all last night in the driver's seat, awaiting a tow back to Walkertown that finally arrived at 3:00am this, in the driveway of Crossroads Ford, Sanford.
At least there was a Wendy's, Chick-Fil-A, and many other choices for time killing nearby.
I've slept away the day, today.
The joke is the first line.
I spent all last night in the driver's seat, awaiting a tow back to Walkertown that finally arrived at 3:00am this, in the driveway of Crossroads Ford, Sanford.
At least there was a Wendy's, Chick-Fil-A, and many other choices for time killing nearby.
I've slept away the day, today.
The joke is the first line.
"Backboards? Backboards? I'll show'em what to do with a f%#kin' backboard!"
- OZZIE4DUKE
- PWing School Chancellor
- Posts: 14440
- Joined: April 8th, 2009, 7:43 pm
- Location: Home! Watching carolina Go To Hell! :9f:
Re: Jokes
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does a case of Miller Lite and it's half the price.'
HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7
The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does a case of Miller Lite and it's half the price.'
HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7
Your paradigm of optimism
Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell!
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!
http://ecogreen.greentechaffiliate.com
Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell!
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!
http://ecogreen.greentechaffiliate.com
- CameronBornAndBred
- PWing School Chancellor
- Posts: 16076
- Joined: April 8th, 2009, 7:03 pm
- Location: New Bern, NC
- Contact:
Re: Jokes
OZZIE4DUKE wrote:A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does a case of Miller Lite and it's half the price.'
HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7
Duke born, Duke bred, cooking on a grill so I'm tailgate fed.
- YmoBeThere
- PWing School Endowed Professor
- Posts: 6912
- Joined: April 13th, 2009, 7:36 pm
- Location: South Central...Tejas
Re: Jokes
I started a joke, that started the whole world...
- DevilAlumna
- Graduate Student at PWing school
- Posts: 1300
- Joined: April 10th, 2009, 12:13 am
- Location: Woodinville, Wa
- devildeac
- PWing School Chancellor
- Posts: 18955
- Joined: April 8th, 2009, 11:10 pm
- Location: Nowhere near the hell in which unc finds itself.
Re: Jokes
DevilAlumna wrote:http://cgi.ebay.com/UNC-The-Carolina-Wa ... _500wt_922
Hope y'all have seen this one:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/748a03 ... estigation
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
- captmojo
- PWing School Endowed Professor
- Posts: 5096
- Joined: April 12th, 2009, 12:20 pm
- Location: It's lonely out in space on such a timeless flight.
Re: Jokes
I have now. Thanks to you both.devildeac wrote:DevilAlumna wrote:http://cgi.ebay.com/UNC-The-Carolina-Wa ... _500wt_922
Hope y'all have seen this one:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/748a03 ... estigation
"Backboards? Backboards? I'll show'em what to do with a f%#kin' backboard!"
- captmojo
- PWing School Endowed Professor
- Posts: 5096
- Joined: April 12th, 2009, 12:20 pm
- Location: It's lonely out in space on such a timeless flight.
Re: Jokes
...hating the BeeGees.YmoBeThere wrote:I started a joke, that started the whole world...
"Backboards? Backboards? I'll show'em what to do with a f%#kin' backboard!"
-
- Pwing School Dean
- Posts: 7602
- Joined: April 9th, 2009, 7:40 am
- Location: St. Louis, MO
Re: Jokes
I think I had seen it, but I had forgotten. Absolutely priceless. Thanks, devildeac!devildeac wrote:DevilAlumna wrote:http://cgi.ebay.com/UNC-The-Carolina-Wa ... _500wt_922
Hope y'all have seen this one:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/748a03 ... estigation
Most people say that is it is the intellect which makes a great scientist. They are wrong: it is character.
-- Albert Einstein
-- Albert Einstein
- CathyCA
- PWing School Chancellor
- Posts: 11483
- Joined: April 8th, 2009, 9:38 pm
- Location: Greenville, North Carolina
Re: Jokes
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on! You don't even know the way to the post office."
;)
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on! You don't even know the way to the post office."
;)
“The invention of basketball was not an accident. It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play 'Drop the Handkerchief.'”
~ James Naismith
~ James Naismith
- CameronBornAndBred
- PWing School Chancellor
- Posts: 16076
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Re: Jokes
CathyCA wrote:The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on! You don't even know the way to the post office."
Duke born, Duke bred, cooking on a grill so I'm tailgate fed.