Jokes

[richardjackson199]

Today, if a ghost is wearing a large, white, cotton polyester covering typically found on a mattress, what do you call that?

OPK's last minute costume?

Nice!

A friend told me last night that when she was in college, she put on a turquoise dress and taped tampons all over it.

She was going as Picasso’s Blue Period.

(not sure I should pass that along, certainly won’t OY).

Points for creativity and a good laugh. She probably did well in college.

[Phredd3]

Today, if a ghost is wearing a large, white, cotton polyester covering typically found on a mattress, what do you call that?

A sheety costume?

[devildeac]

Today, if a ghost is wearing a large, white, cotton polyester covering typically found on a mattress, what do you call that?

A sheety costume?

That's a good guess!

The correct answer is: Boo-sheet (also my middle name or a name I'm often called )!!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Joke? Or reality?

CALLER:

Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable pizza!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased abox of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash!

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you wish you were a better conversationalist?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Just imagine the health benefits from grapes, packed with nutrients and so good for the heart. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.
You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side Effects May Include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results.

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM. Or a Yuengling in my case!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

This one's for CB&B and lawgrad and their new found love of golf.

The Art of the Gimmie

By Mick Kemper

I attended the 2002 US Senior Open at Caves Valley Golf Course in Maryland. While standing in a large crowd behind the 11th green, I saw Arnold Palmer and his army round the corner of the fairway. He proceeded to hit his second shot onto the green about 30 feet from the hole. As he reached the green and surveyed his putt, a spectator yelled, “it’s good, Arnie, pick it up.”

Short putts are the Bermuda Triangle of golf. Just ask Scott Hoch who missed a 2 foot putt to lose the 1989 Masters. Missing a short putt is like fumbling at the goal line, dropping a pop up for the final out, or driving across the country to discover Wally World is closed. It is devastating.



Fortunately, amateur golfers have a vaccine for these blown putts, a get out of jail free card, it’s called a “gimmie”. It works like this. You are standing over a three foot putt to save par. Sweat is running down your back into your Tommy Johns and dread is creeping into your fragile psyche. You are agonizing over the proverbial question, “Do I ease it in or ram it home?” Then suddenly you hear those magic words, “That’s good, pick it up.”



Accepting a gimmie is easy. Before your conscience sets in, quickly pick up your ball and slink off the green like a shoplifter exiting a convenience store.



On the other hand, conceding a putt is more complicated than judging figure skating. Is the golfer worthy? Is the ball within the so called circle of friendship or just a distant cousin? What is a reasonable distance? An arms-length? A size 12 golf shoe? The height of your average circus midget? There is no definitive rule. It is an art.



Some guys are generous and hand out gimmies like after dinner mints, sometimes even before the lag putt has stopped rolling. I love these guys. They are the Mother Theresa’s of golf.



The other mothers of golf are the players who would rather donate a kidney than concede a putt. These are the guys who keep score in ink, who use a pocket calculator to split the lunch tab, and who believe a gimmie is an assault on the integrity of the game. Keep in mind, this is a game typically played by hackers in baggy shorts who have already taken two mulligans and several foot wedges just to survive the front nine. What integrity?



So, if you struggle with administering a gimmie, here are some helpful guidelines:



Daylight Savings Time

The foursome waiting in the fairway has been watching your group blast from one greenside bunker to another, chunk chips, plumb bob, and debate who putts next. This is more frustrating than waiting for a senior citizen to back out of a parking space at Walmart. Just grab your balls and get off the green. All putts are good.



Code Blue

Your playing partner is on life support. He has landed in every bunker, splashed in every pond, and bounced off more trees than a squirrel on crack. You cannot bear to see him take another stroke. It is your civic duty to stop the bleeding and administer the Kevorkian gimmie. No range limitations in this case. If his ball is closer to the hole than to Akron Ohio, it’s good. Knock it away before he tries to hit it again.



Nothing at Stake

Pros putt out because they are playing for big money, coveted trophies, and trophy wives. For the average golfer, missing or making a short putt is more meaningless than a cup of decaf coffee or a political campaign promise. Give him the putt. There is no good reason not to.



Reward

The guy has stroked a winding 125-foot putt from just off the green to within three feet of the hole. Reward him. Let him pick it up. He earned it. It is better than watching him lip out, melt down, and try to disembowel himself with his putter.



Human Kindness

Your buddy helps you tune up your car, mows your lawn when you are on vacation, and laughs at all your dumbass jokes. You owe him that testy three footer as a gesture of friendship. It is golf’s version of sending a fruit basket.



No Mercy

If you are embroiled in a highly competitive match and your opponent has been talking smack, there is no such thing as a gimmie. Make him putt every putt. It’s Cobra Kai time, it’s time to sweep the knee.



Retribution

If the player is an obnoxious blowhard, an arrogant know-it-all, or a despicable cheat, there are no gimmies. The circle of friendship only extends to the rim of the cup.



Gimmies have been prevalent throughout history and occur every day of our lives. The Ruler of Greece once told famed sculptor, Calamitous, that his Venus di Milo statue was so beautiful there was no need to finish the arms. True. A gimmie is when a traffic cop pulls you over and only gives you a warning or when the grocery store clerk honors your expired coupon without price checking your Adult Depends over the store microphone.



However, let the record show that not all gimmies are desirable. Last night, in the middle of a rare but passionate love making session, just as I was about to enter the launch cycle, just as I was pondering the proverbial question, just as I was about to ecstatically self-proclaim “you da man”, my wife stopped me and said, “That’s good, dear, pick it up.”



So, remember, if someone does not graciously accept a gimmie, do not be offended. Understand that sometimes in the game of golf and in life, to derive a full sense of satisfaction, a man needs to hear the rattle of the ball at the bottom of the cup. Sometimes, you just need to putt out.

[OPK]

I was walking around the office today, humming “I’m a believer” by the Monkees. My secretary asked me to stop. I thought she was just kidding.

But then I saw her face . . . .


(stolen from Ruth Buzzi on Twitter)

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I was walking around the office today, humming “I’m a believer” by the Monkees. My secretary asked me to stop. I thought she was just kidding.

But then I saw her face . . . .


(stolen from Ruth Buzzi on Twitter)