Jokes

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....

It takes less than 15 seconds..


If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

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Answers:
1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS


You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?





The good news is:

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

You are a pervert. And welcome to the club!

[IowaDevil]

Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....

It takes less than 15 seconds..


If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.



Answers:
1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS


You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?





The good news is:

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

You are a pervert. And welcome to the club!

I just spit coffee all over the computer!

PS: I also got them all wrong - can I join your club!?????

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I WAS DRINKING AT A BAR SO I TOOK A BUS HOME. THAT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE A BIG DEAL TO YOU, BUT I'VE NEVER DRIVEN A BUS BEFORE.


I THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER.


A WISE MAN ONCE SAID NOTHING.


RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.


I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD; I'M 25 PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.


WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS "1" FOR ENGLISH? DID AMERICA MOVE?


BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.


INSTEAD OF "SINGLE" AS A MARITAL STATUS I PREFER "INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED".


PATIENCE: WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY WITNESSES.


VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH OR LIGHT FIRES!


I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK..."REALLY? THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"


IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.


MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.


SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID. AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.


CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.


IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.


IF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL, WHY DO CHURCHES AND THE GOVERNMENT KEEP ASKING FOR MORE OF IT?

[OZZIE4DUKE]

One of Nina's friends sent her this, and she was kind enough to share it with me. It's not for kids (nothing vulgar, but slightly R rated. Your 13 year old sons will go gaga over it IF you let them see it ;)

Right over the border of Northern Germany in Denmark, there are a couple of "Fleggaard" supermarkets (belonging to the Costco family) where you really find everything your heart craves, especially high tech and household appliances; a lot cheaper than in Germany.

For this commercial, more than 100 skydiver women jumped from a transport plane, you see them in free fall forming the ad text: "SIEMENS washing machine for only 269 Euros".

Called "quite simply the best commercial ever made" by a respected advertising expert.

http://player.vimeo.com/video/57468088? ... dia-player

[OZZIE4DUKE]

[lawgrad91]

Canadian Side of Mt Rushmore.gif

Just spit water all over my keyboard....

[IowaDevil]

Too funny!

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Old lady on the bus offers the driver a handful of peanuts.
He thanks her and munches away.
Every five minutes or so she gives him more. He continues to smile and munch.
Finally, he asks her if she wouldn't rather save some for herself.
She replies that she doesn't ever eat peanuts.
He asks why.
She answers that she doesn't have any teeth, "See?"
So he asks her why she buys the peanuts in the first place.
She replies that she just loves the chocolate around them.

Love, Ima

[OZZIE4DUKE]

[IowaDevil]

Old lady on the bus offers the driver a handful of peanuts.
He thanks her and munches away.
Every five minutes or so she gives him more. He continues to smile and munch.
Finally, he asks her if she wouldn't rather save some for herself.
She replies that she doesn't ever eat peanuts.
He asks why.
She answers that she doesn't have any teeth, "See?"
So he asks her why she buys the peanuts in the first place.
She replies that she just loves the chocolate around them.

Love, Ima

[OZZIE4DUKE]

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.



He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."



Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.



Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"



Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."



Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is gasoline!"



Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."



Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days, figuring to recover his money.



Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."



Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."



Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is gasoline!"



Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."



Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.



Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"



Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back," and give him a $10 bill.



Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"



Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."



* Moral of story * -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer” .



Don't make old people mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss them off.





P.S. The above is in large print, for old geezers.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Verrrrry verrrry VERY good one!
Love, Ima

[OZZIE4DUKE]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[lawgrad91]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

[lawgrad91]

7C25894C-D568-4CF0-9EA5-9E400E0B51EE.jpeg

Just spit all over my keyboard. Too funny!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Pandemic one-liners

· Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it again?... It has a virus ...
· Just asked a 6 year old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.
· On the bright side, I am no longer calling this shelter-in-place. I am an artist-in-residence. (Specifically, Percussion Artiste-in-Residence.)
· After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, I have discovered that wasn't the reason.
· If you thought finding toilet paper was crazy ... just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment. (“Oh, it’s happening, sweetheart.”)
· 2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April and May.
· Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.
· This cleaning with alcohol is total b.s. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle. (I can personally attest to this.)
· Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
· You think it's bad now? .........In 20 years our country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers....
· My Mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day, but look at me now! I'm saving the world!
· I swear my Smart Fridge just said, "What the hell do you want now?"

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

This one is fun. Gonna use some of them as my own! Love, Ima

[devildeac]

This masked gunman go into a bank and tells everyone to get down on the floor. He hands the teller a bag and says “Fill this bag with money”. While she is putting the money in the bag his mask falls completely off his face onto the floor. The teller hands him the bag and he says “You didn’t see my face did you”? She says “I couldn’t help but see your face when the mask fell off” so he shoots her grave-yard dead right between the eyes. He turns to the lady on the floor and says “You didn’t see my face did you? She says “I was looking the other way at the time, but I am sure my husband did”.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Time for a laugh!