Jokes

[CameronBornAndBred]

Couldn't decide if I should put this under Jokes or LTE...

Love the 'Bracket Hopes'

935x600xLonger-watch-March-Madness.JPG

It's ALL TRUE!!!!! Except the green line should just be renamed "The DevilDeac Line".

[devildeac]

Couldn't decide if I should put this under Jokes or LTE...

Love the 'Bracket Hopes'

935x600xLonger-watch-March-Madness.JPG

It's ALL TRUE!!!!! Except the green line should just be renamed "The DevilDeac Line".

There is no chart large enough that would contain such line .

[CameronBornAndBred]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,

Grandma

[captmojo]

Spanish Oysters

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain .

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,

scrumptious looking platter being served at the

next table.



Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!

Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.There is only one serving per day because there is

only one bull fight each morning.



If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.



After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."








=

I've had a whole lot of fun with this one. Thanks.

[CameronBornAndBred]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DevilWearsPrada2.0]

CB&B

[OZZIE4DUKE]

*No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference

between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic

conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best

linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear

winner.



His final challenge was this:

Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please

explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is

easy to understand.



Here is his astute answer:



"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you

marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one

catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"



His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes*

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Definition of the word "coincidence ".

A chicken farmer went to the local bar .....He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said:" How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

" What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I'm celebrating" " It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence" said the farmer. While they toasted, the man asked: " What are you celebrating?"

" My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant". "What a coincidence!" said the man. " I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. "

"This is awesome" said the woman. " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" " I used a different rooster " the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said:"What a coincidence"

[devildeac]

Definition of the word "coincidence ".

A chicken farmer went to the local bar .....He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said:" How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

" What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I'm celebrating" " It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence" said the farmer. While they toasted, the man asked: " What are you celebrating?"

" My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant". "What a coincidence!" said the man. " I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. "

"This is awesome" said the woman. " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" " I used a different rooster " the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said:"What a coincidence"

She must have visited Earl Jam in Atlanta .

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the drinks were cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the atmosphere was good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

[captmojo]

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the drinks were cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the atmosphere was good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

I laughed.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the drinks were cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the atmosphere was good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

I laughed.

I didn't.
Love, Ima (aged 73)

[DevilWearsPrada2.0]

*No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference

between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic

conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best

linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear

winner.



His final challenge was this:

Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please

explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is

easy to understand.



Here is his astute answer:



"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you

marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one

catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"



His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes*

How True!!!! Great Jokes Ozzie!!!!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

CB&B and several others will really get a kick out of this!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

I passed that along to Native. He's out there at Apple studying innovation and entrepreneurship. I bet he and his fellow Apple geeks will get a kick out of it. We're still chuckling around here. Thanks, Oz.
Love, Ima

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I passed that along to Native. He's out there at Apple studying innovation and entrepreneurship. I bet he and his fellow Apple geeks will get a kick out of it. We're still chuckling around here. Thanks, Oz.
Love, Ima

You're welcome! I'm sure DevilAlumna, who works for Mr. Softie, will love it too!

[CameronBornAndBred]

[CameronBornAndBred]

[devildeac]

http://espn.go.com/college-sports/story ... t-official

Oh, wait. This is not a joke. It really happened.

[CameronBornAndBred]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"