Jokes

[bjornolf]

Which goes with another of Dad's favorites:

The optimist sees the glass as half full.
The pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
The realist says "who gives a damn, it's just another fucking glass I'm gonna have to clean."

[CameronBornAndBred]

I've been having a blast telling these to sweetiepie.

[Bostondevil]

Which goes with another of Dad's favorites:

The optimist sees the glass as half full.
The pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
The realist says "who gives a damn, it's just another fucking glass I'm gonna have to clean."

I'm a realist.

[wilson]

Which goes with another of Dad's favorites:

The optimist sees the glass as half full.
The pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
The realist says "who gives a damn, it's just another fucking glass I'm gonna have to clean."

I'm a realist.

The bachelor says, "The glass is half full? How old is the beer? Give it to me." Then he sets it on the coffee table and refills it several more times in subsequent days before getting around to cleaning the glass about a week and a half later.

[ArkieDukie]

Your joke reminds me of an old cartoon I once saw that plays off the old bud light commercials where people say "I ordered a BUD LIGHT!" (remember those, like the one with the little dogs jumping through flaming hoops?).

Basically it shows a guy lying on the exam table with a proctologist who's about to give him the old checkup. A nurse has come in with a tray containing a few items, including a bottle of bud lite. The doctor yells at the nurse, "Damn it, I said A BUTT LIGHT!"

[bjornolf]

One of my faves:

Jesus and Moses are playing golf at Pebble Beach. They're on a hole with a long carry off the tee over a nasty water hazzard to the green. Moses lays up safely in front of the hazzard. Jesus pulls out his 5 wood, knowing that if he uses anything bigger to clear the hazzard, his balls gonna roll off the back of the green out of bounds. He says to Moses "I saw Tiger Woods do this the other day." Unfortunately, his shot comes up short and wet. He nods to Moses and says, "Could you help me out?" Moses nods and parts the water hazzard and retrieves the ball for him. "Why don't you just lay up, Lord?" he says.

"No" insists Jesus, "Tiger made this shot. I'm going to try again." Same result. He turns to Moses. "Fine" says Moses, "but this is the last time I'm getting it."

"Okay," says Jesus. So Moses parts the hazzard again and brings back the ball. Jesus again lines up with the 5 wood. Moses says, "Why don't you just lay up this time? There's another group coming." Jesus responds, "Now Moses, I am the Lord. I MADE Tiger. I gave him the tools to be a great golfer, and I gave him the patience to practice, and I gave him the competitiveness to be the best. I did all that. If he can make this shot, I should be able to." So, he winds up... and hits it right into the water again.

Jesus shakes his head and says, "I know, I know," and sets off across the water hazzard to get his ball. Just as he gets to the ball, the next group comes up to the tee and sees Jesus walking across the water. One of the guys says to Moses, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses sighs and responds, "No, He thinks He's Tiger Woods." (don't forget to highlight punchline)

[bjornolf]

Ozzie might like this one:

A priest, a baptist minister, and a rabbi who are old friends decide to go hiking together. They decide to have a contest to see who's the best. As they're hiking, they look for opportunities. Seeing a family of bears, they decide that this is their big chance. They each decide to convert one of the bears and meet up the next day to compare notes.

The next day, they meet up at the road. The priest said, "This is great! I've got the bear to accept God as his savior, and he's having his first communion tomorrow!"
The minister says, "Yea! We were next to the river, so I baptized my bear. He LOVED it!"
A few minutes later, an ambulance pulls up, and some paramedics bring the rabbi out of the woods all bandaged up on a stretcher, groaning in pain. His friends ask in horror, "What happened?"

He responded, "I suppose in hindsight it was a bad idea to start with the bris." (highlight for punchline)

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Ozzie might like this one:

A priest, a baptist minister, and a rabbi who are old friends decide to go hiking together. They decide to have a contest to see who's the best. As they're hiking, they look for opportunities. Seeing a family of bears, they decide that this is their big chance. They each decide to convert one of the bears and meet up the next day to compare notes.

The next day, they meet up at the road. The priest said, "This is great! I've got the bear to accept God as his savior, and he's having his first communion tomorrow!"
The minister says, "Yea! We were next to the river, so I baptized my bear. He LOVED it!"
A few minutes later, an ambulance pulls up, and some paramedics bring the rabbi out of the woods all bandaged up on a stretcher, groaning in pain. His friends ask in horror, "What happened?"

He responded, "I suppose in hindsight it was a bad idea to start with the bris." (highlight for punchline)

Yeah, I saw that punchline coming.

[devildeac]

One of my faves:

Jesus and Moses are playing golf at Pebble Beach. They're on a hole with a long carry off the tee over a nasty water hazzard to the green. Moses lays up safely in front of the hazzard. Jesus pulls out his 5 wood, knowing that if he uses anything bigger to clear the hazzard, his balls gonna roll off the back of the green out of bounds. He says to Moses "I saw Tiger Woods do this the other day." Unfortunately, his shot comes up short and wet. He nods to Moses and says, "Could you help me out?" Moses nods and parts the water hazzard and retrieves the ball for him. "Why don't you just lay up, Lord?" he says.

"No" insists Jesus, "Tiger made this shot. I'm going to try again." Same result. He turns to Moses. "Fine" says Moses, "but this is the last time I'm getting it."

"Okay," says Jesus. So Moses parts the hazzard again and brings back the ball. Jesus again lines up with the 5 wood. Moses says, "Why don't you just lay up this time? There's another group coming." Jesus responds, "Now Moses, I am the Lord. I MADE Tiger. I gave him the tools to be a great golfer, and I gave him the patience to practice, and I gave him the competitiveness to be the best. I did all that. If he can make this shot, I should be able to." So, he winds up... and hits it right into the water again.

Jesus shakes his head and says, "I know, I know," and sets off across the water hazzard to get his ball. Just as he gets to the ball, the next group comes up to the tee and sees Jesus walking across the water. One of the guys says to Moses, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses sighs and responds, "No, He thinks He's Tiger Woods." (don't forget to highlight punchline)

Yours is the updated version. I first heard it about 10 years ago and Jack Nicklaus was the punch line. Great joke.

[bjornolf]

I originally heard it as Arnold Palmer, but I thought Tiger Woods would be a little updated for the non-hackers and the kiddies out there that might not remember Arnie. ;)

[windsor]

First saw this one years ago...but I still like it!



A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee advanced towards him out of a dust cloud. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and a YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and answers, "Sure!"

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his laptop computer, uses a built-in GPS device and software to determine his exact location, then connects the laptop to a cellphone, surfs to a NASA page where he calls up a satellite imaging system, scans the area, then starts Excel and opens some 60 spreadsheets containing complex formulae and data from the satellite image. Finally, he prints a 150-page report on a miniature printer, turns to our shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep!"

"That's correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it into his Grand Cherokee. As the car starts to pull away, the shepard calls out: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not?" answers the young man, stopping the car.

"You are a consultant" says the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess?"

"Easy," answers the shepherd. "You turn up here without being asked. You want to be paid for information I already have. And you don't know anything about my business.

Now, can I have my DOG back?

[bjornolf]

I have a similar one:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[bjornolf]

Here's another fun God joke that also involves engineers:

A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of the God, and how women were designed (displaying their complete lack of understanding of women).
The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "Look at all the pulleys and levers used by the body. The tendons and muscles and bones all working together. It's unbelievable."
The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer. "If you look at all the chemical processes in the body. Look at how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact. It's amazing."
The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer. "If you look at the circuitry of the body. Look at how the millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another without ever getting mixed up. It boggles the mind."
The civil engineer says no, God is definitely a civil engineer. "Only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground." (highlight for punchline)

[cl15876]

Here's another fun God joke that also involves engineers:

A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of the God, and how women were designed (displaying their complete lack of understanding of women).
The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "Look at all the pulleys and levers used by the body. The tendons and muscles and bones all working together. It's unbelievable."
The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer. "If you look at all the chemical processes in the body. Look at how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact. It's amazing."
The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer. "If you look at the circuitry of the body. Look at how the millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another without ever getting mixed up. It boggles the mind."
The civil engineer says no, God is definitely a civil engineer. "Only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground." (highlight for punchline)

I think THAT STARRING experience (and the TAR FUMES) affected you! Good thing we live close, beside CL-Bunchofnumbers, CL, CL#'s, or just bunchofnumbers, amongst all the other things I've been referred to..... , I have been referred to as Dr. Phil! Come sit on my couch and tell me about thangs!!!!!! I offer FREE consultations!

[bjornolf]

Starring experience? What starring experience? It's just an old joke.

And you're nothing like Dr. Phil. You're much smarter and better looking than that nutjob.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Just for bunchofnumbers :shock:

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when some says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond with full
knowledge of the facts:

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, owners of Needeep
N. Schitt, Inc. the fertilizer company. Their son married Noe Schitt. This
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents'
objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin, Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Dick Tracy and, because the kids were living with her, she
still wanted to keep her former name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Dick
Tracy.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son who, with
a fearful outlook on life, was aptly named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other
six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull
Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to roam the world, but recently returned
from Itly with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So, now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!", you can correct
them with more information than they thought possible!

Sincerely,


Crock O'Schitt

[bjornolf]

He... is the most interesting man on earth, and he doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he makes it a Dos Equis. ;)

[bjornolf]

It made more sense when she married Sherlock, as "noe schitt, scherlock" is a much better expression than "noe schitt, dick tracy". ALIMHO. Sometimes the original is just better. ;)

[cl15876]

Just for bunchofnumbers :shock:

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when some says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond with full
knowledge of the facts:

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, owners of Needeep
N. Schitt, Inc. the fertilizer company. Their son married Noe Schitt. This
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents'
objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin, Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Dick Tracy and, because the kids were living with her, she
still wanted to keep her former name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Dick
Tracy.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son who, with
a fearful outlook on life, was aptly named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other
six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull
Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to roam the world, but recently returned
from Itly with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So, now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!", you can correct
them with more information than they thought possible!

Sincerely,


Crock O'Schitt

I love it!!!!!

[DukePA]

I posted this on dbr and a few of you have seen it . It's my alltime favorite.

Chili Cook-off
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crap on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. I am sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report