Jokes

[knights68]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women, I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, "you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[bjornolf]

This is kind of gross, but my friend Sharon sent it to me cause she thought it was hysterical. I thought it was pretty funny too. Enjoy. NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!! The best part is it REALLY looks like a shopping channel set. The production value is great. I put it on because it IS a joke. It's the skank sack!

http://www.spike.com/video/skank-sack/2854851

[cl15876]

This is kind of gross, but my friend Sharon sent it to me cause she thought it was hysterical. I thought it was pretty funny too. Enjoy. NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!! The best part is it REALLY looks like a shopping channel set. The production value is great. I put it on because it IS a joke. It's the skank sack!

http://www.spike.com/video/skank-sack/2854851

I would have expected shamrog to post that! All I can say is bub-bye!

[cl15876]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women, I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, "you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

VERY GOOD!!!!!

Let US ALL BOW OUR HEADS and pray for forgiveness and understanding!

[bjornolf]

I'm sure everyone's heard this one, but I always liked it:

In the olden days, before women's lib, a farmer drives his cart to market, pulled by his donkey, to sell his crop. After he sells his crop, he sets about picking up a wife. He finds a good looking young woman and presents his case to her father. He agrees, so the farmer marries her and sits next to her in the cart. As the leave the village, the donkey gets distracted and runs them into a stall trying to get at some veggies. The farmer climbs down, walks around the front of the donkey, and says to it very firmly, "That's one!" He then climbs back in the cart and they continue on. The new bride finds this odd, but figures he's just a strange guy.

A little way down the road, the donkey crashes them into a pothole and breaks a wheel on the cart. The farmer hops down, walks around to the front of the donkey and says "That's two!" As he sets about fixing the wheel, the woman starts to really worry.

Once the wheel is fixed and they are back on the road, the donkey manages to rip the bit out of its mouth and runs wild a little. When the man finally gets the donkey under control, he climbs down out of the cart, walks around the front of the animal, and says, "That's three! Don't say I didn't warn ye!" pulls out his gun, and shoots the donkey dead.

The woman, horror struck, shrieks, "What are you doing? You just shot that donkey for no reason!" The man looks up at the woman and says, "That's one."

Old joke, I know. I'm sure you've all heard it.

[Johnboy]

Old joke, I know. I'm sure you've all heard it.

I wouldn't say it's old, but it's one of my Dad's favorites. He's 77, and has been telling that one for 30+ years. I've always liked that joke.


A couple quick ones (golden oldies like bjornolf's):
A doctor is walking down the hall with a rectal thermometer behind his ear.
A nurse sees him and says: "Doctor, do you know you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"
Doctor sez: "Dammit! Some asshole has my pencil!"

Late at night, a husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and loudly announces: "This is the pig I have to sleep with when you have a headache!"
His wife says: "Hey dumbass, that's not a pig. It's a sheep."
The husband says: "I was talking to the sheep."

[Johnboy]

For proper PWing, I shoulda separated my last post into three posts. I must improve my technique.

[DukieInKansas]

For proper PWing, I shoulda separated my last post into three posts. I must improve my technique.

Don't worry - you'll get the hang of it. You have plenty of role models here.

[bjornolf]

Your joke reminds me of an old cartoon I once saw that plays off the old bud light commercials where people say "I ordered a BUD LIGHT!" (remember those, like the one with the little dogs jumping through flaming hoops?).

Basically it shows a guy lying on the exam table with a proctologist who's about to give him the old checkup. A nurse has come in with a tray containing a few items, including a bottle of bud lite. The doctor yells at the nurse, "Damn it, I said A BUTT LIGHT!"

[Johnboy]

For proper PWing, I shoulda separated my last post into three posts. I must improve my technique.

Don't worry - you'll get the hang of it. You have plenty of role models here.

(I think I'm getting the hang of it here in post #10)

[wilson]

A farmer has a herd of pigs, and they're all healthy and happy and doing great, except for one thing: they won't reproduce. After waiting patiently for some time, he finally decides to go into town and talk to an animal breeding specialist.
The specialist listens to the farmer's troubles and tells him, "Your pigs just need to be inseminated. That'll fix the problem."
Now, the farmer has no idea what "inseminate" means, but not wanting to look stupid in front of the specialist, he just nods and says, "OK. How will I know when they're pregnant?"
The specialist tells him, "They'll be lying on the ground with their legs up in the air."
On the way home, the farmer is thinking about what to do, and after some pondering, he decides that "inseminating" his pigs means he's supposed to have sex with them. Now, he doesn't want any of the neighbors to know he's having sex with his pigs, so he decides to take them up in the woods to do it. So, the next morning, bright and early, he loads them all into his truck, takes them out into the woods, and has sex with them all.
The next morning, he's exhausted, so he asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are lying on the ground with their legs in the air.
"Nope," his wife replies. They're just kind of milling around.
Frustrated, but undeterred, the farmer decides to try again. So he loads them into the truck again, and does just as the day before.
The following day, he's even more tired, so again, he asks his wife to check out the window and see if the pigs are on their backs.
"Nope," she says. Just standing there.
So the farmer decides to try one more time.
On the third day, he's really exhausted, so he's almost hesitant to even ask his wife to look out the window.
"No," she says, "they're not lying on the ground. They're all up in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn."

[devildeac]

Your joke reminds me of an old cartoon I once saw that plays off the old bud light commercials where people say "I ordered a BUD LIGHT!" (remember those, like the one with the little dogs jumping through flaming hoops?).

Basically it shows a guy lying on the exam table with a proctologist who's about to give him the old checkup. A nurse has come in with a tray containing a few items, including a bottle of bud lite. The doctor yells at the nurse, "Damn it, I said A BUTT LIGHT!"

Sounds like the same thing to me. :roll:

[CameronBornAndBred]

The ladies should like this one....

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going? to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained .....
"The egg timer's broken."

[Bostondevil]

A small town doctor helps a young woman deliver her first baby. About the same time the next year she comes back to deliver her second baby. Next year, same thing. Many years pass each time with a visit from the woman to deliver a baby. Finally, after helping her deliver her 10th child, the doctor says, "Well, I guess I'll see you next year." The woman replies "No you won't, I finally figured out what's causing this!"

[bjornolf]

Was that Michelle Duggar? I guess not, she's got 18!

[cl15876]

A farmer has a herd of pigs, and they're all healthy and happy and doing great, except for one thing: they won't reproduce. After waiting patiently for some time, he finally decides to go into town and talk to an animal breeding specialist.
The specialist listens to the farmer's troubles and tells him, "Your pigs just need to be inseminated. That'll fix the problem."
Now, the farmer has no idea what "inseminate" means, but not wanting to look stupid in front of the specialist, he just nods and says, "OK. How will I know when they're pregnant?"
The specialist tells him, "They'll be lying on the ground with their legs up in the air."
On the way home, the farmer is thinking about what to do, and after some pondering, he decides that "inseminating" his pigs means he's supposed to have sex with them. Now, he doesn't want any of the neighbors to know he's having sex with his pigs, so he decides to take them up in the woods to do it. So, the next morning, bright and early, he loads them all into his truck, takes them out into the woods, and has sex with them all.
The next morning, he's exhausted, so he asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are lying on the ground with their legs in the air.
"Nope," his wife replies. They're just kind of milling around.
Frustrated, but undeterred, the farmer decides to try again. So he loads them into the truck again, and does just as the day before.
The following day, he's even more tired, so again, he asks his wife to check out the window and see if the pigs are on their backs.
"Nope," she says. Just standing there.
So the farmer decides to try one more time.
On the third day, he's really exhausted, so he's almost hesitant to even ask his wife to look out the window.
"No," she says, "they're not lying on the ground. They're all up in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn."

VERY GOOD!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!

[cl15876]

The ladies should like this one....

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going? to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained .....
"The egg timer's broken."

CUTE!!!!

[cl15876]

A small town doctor helps a young woman deliver her first baby. About the same time the next year she comes back to deliver her second baby. Next year, same thing. Many years pass each time with a visit from the woman to deliver a baby. Finally, after helping her deliver her 10th child, the doctor says, "Well, I guess I'll see you next year." The woman replies "No you won't, I finally figured out what's causing this!"

[bjornolf]

This is one of my dad's favorites:

A husband and wife had an 8 year old son, Matt, and a six year old daughter, Susie. Matt was an incurable pessimist. Susie was an incurable optimist. The parents were worried that both of them would be hurt in their lives by their attitudes, so they decided to fix them. So at Christmas, they got Matt EVERYTHING he'd asked for. When he walked into the room and saw the huge pile of toys and books and video games, he burst out crying. His dad, horrified, said "What's wrong son? Did we miss something?"

The boy responded, "No, Dad. These presents are wonderful. I just know that eventual I'll grow tired of them, or break them, or lose them, and eventually all these great things will be gone!"

The dad sighed, figuring that they'd at least cure the daughter. Then he heard his wife scream from the garage, where the daughter's gift was. He ran out into the garage to find his daughter digging through the giant pile of horse manure they had given her for Christmas. Her father shouted, "Susie, what are you doing?"

She responded excitedly, "I asked Santa for a pony Daddy, and I just KNOW she's in here somewhere!"