Jokes

[CameronBornAndBred]

I'm starting a joke thread, since I liked Wilson's pirate joke. Here's one a friend sent me today.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree... smoking a joint...

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?'

Highlight for punch line.

[cl15876]

I'm starting a joke thread, since I liked Wilson's pirate joke. Here's one a friend sent me today.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree... smoking a joint...

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?'

Highlight for punch line.

That is good!!!!!

[bjornolf]

My son made up two jokes on his own when he was four. They both have the same punchline, but they are different. Here we go:

1. What do the cows and horses down on the farm use to buy groceries?

2. The farmer took his cows and horses to the art museum. Who was their favorite painter?

Answer to both: Moo-Neigh

I thought they were pretty good for a four year old!

[CathyCA]

Q. Why did the fish cross the road?

A. To get to the other tide!

[cl15876]

My daughter sprung this one on me when she was about 3-4 and it always stuck with me:

Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A: A porkchop

[bjornolf]

Here's one of my favorites. It's kinda gross, but I think it's funny.

What would happen if a serial killer picked up a hitchhiking rapist?

There's a rapist hitchhiking on the side of the road late at night, looking for a victim. There's a serial killer driving down the road late at night, looking for his next victim. In a fit of kharmic destiny, the killer sees the rapist and pulls over. After they drive a while, the rapist points up ahead.

Rapist: Hey, can you turn down that dark, unlit dirt road up ahead?
Killer: I was planning to.

They drive into the woods a ways.

Rapist: Why don't you pull over here?
Killer: It's like you're reading my mind.

An hour later, the killer limps into the next county's police station, dragging a large duffle bag.

Killer: I'd like to report a rape.
Police officer behind desk: Can you describe your attacker?
Killer, throwing duffle up on counter: Sure, got him right here.

[bjornolf]

I'll repeat the pirate joke here so we have it in the joke thread:

A pirate, complete with eye patch, peg leg, and parrot, walks into a bar. He's got a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender looks at him funny and says "You know you've got a ship's wheel stickin' out of your pants?"

The pirate responds: Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!

[CathyCA]

This one's for you, Bjornolf. I used it in my presentation last week:

Satan was complaining bitterly to God:

"You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm not perfect, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

[bjornolf]

So is the ONLY difference between your joke and mine the fact that you told it? Is it like black or jewish or polish jokes? I'm not allowed to tell them cause I don't belong to that social group? I worked as a patent examiner for half a decade. I dealt with lawyers on a daily basis. By my work, I qualify as a patent agent without having to take the patent bar. I can probably prosecute an IP case as well as most IP attorneys out there. I've dealt with the worst that an IP lawyer can dish out in terms of slogging through useless legalese, fending off arguments, digging my way out from under snowball affadavits and depositions meant to hide weak cases. I think I qualify to tell a lawyer joke or two. Beside, my joke was an ENGINEER joke. ;)

[CathyCA]

So is the ONLY difference between your joke and mine the fact that you told it? Is it like black or jewish or polish jokes? I'm not allowed to tell them cause I don't belong to that social group? I worked as a patent examiner for half a decade. I dealt with lawyers on a daily basis. By my work, I qualify as a patent agent without having to take the patent bar. I can probably prosecute an IP case as well as most IP attorneys out there. I've dealt with the worst that an IP lawyer can dish out in terms of slogging through useless legalese, fending off arguments, digging my way out from under snowball affadavits and depositions meant to hide weak cases. I think I qualify to tell a lawyer joke or two. Beside, my joke was an ENGINEER joke. ;)

Yes, that's true.

You may tell patent examiner jokes.

[bjornolf]

Patent Examiners ARE a joke.

To me, there's a big difference between lawyers and blacks/jews/etc.. You CHOSE to be a lawyer. Heck you WENT to school for years and PAID money to BECOME a lawyer. What, you didn't know there were jokes about lawyers when you decided to be one? Nobody gets offended by doctor jokes. Nobody gets offended by athlete jokes. Or garbage worker jokes. Or post office employee jokes. Why not? How come lawyers get to be so offended? And GOD FORBID you're a litigator. People pee in their boots at the mere mention of your names. If you want the jokes to stop, go out there and kick all the ambulance chasers and unethical sharks out of the bar. Stop all the frivolous lawsuits that have led to a society unwilling to accept responsibility for its actions. You guys should have gotten together and pulled Mike Nifong up by the short hairs two days after the Duke lacrosse incident. I know that the great group that is lawyers in America are not all bad. In fact, most of you are good guys and gals. But there are enough bad apples in there to keep perpetuating the stereotypes, so the jokes are going to continue, whether I'm telling them or not. Your comment in the thread about the WWE and the Denver Nuggets is EXACTLY the sort of thing that makes the jokes keep getting made. If you want to make those comments, that's fine, but then you shouldn't get offended by the jokes. Standard, meet your double. ;)

You guys take yourselves WAY too seriously. People make up lawyer jokes for three reasons: they've been screwed over by lawyers, they're jealous and wish they had lawyer money, or it'll make them money (comedians play to their audience, and lawyer jokes are easy cause SO MANY people hate them... it's just a fact of life).

[bjornolf]

Have you heard the one about the old senile man sitting on the park bench crying? Guy walks up to him and says, "what's the matter, buddy?"

The old man responds, "I have the best life in the world. I have a beautiful home. I have great kids, and wonderful grandchildren. I'm married to a gorgeous woman forty years younger than I who can cook like nobody's business. We make love every day, and she's amazing at it. I have all the money I could ever need. It's great!"

"So why are you crying?"

Highlight for punchline: "I can't remember the way home!"

[CameronBornAndBred]

You guys take yourselves WAY too seriously. People make up lawyer jokes for three reasons: they've been screwed over by lawyers, they're jealous and wish they had lawyer money, or it'll make them money (comedians play to their audience, and lawyer jokes are easy cause SO MANY people hate them... it's just a fact of life).

It's against the rules to get grouchy on the jokes thread.

[bjornolf]

Yea, you're right. Sorry. Does that mean I can tell lawyer jokes and Cathy can't complain, as long as it's here? ;)

[windsor]

Patent Examiners ARE a joke.

To me, there's a big difference between lawyers and blacks/jews/etc.. You CHOSE to be a lawyer. Heck you WENT to school for years and PAID money to BECOME a lawyer. What, you didn't know there were jokes about lawyers when you decided to be one? Nobody gets offended by doctor jokes. Nobody gets offended by athlete jokes. Or garbage worker jokes. Or post office employee jokes. Why not? How come lawyers get to be so offended?

In fairness to all decent hardworking folk there will be no doctor, athlete, garbage woker, postal worker, redneck or lawyer jokes. No blond jokes, women jokes, men jokes, gay jokes or straight jokes.

The only group now fair game for jokes will be Kumquat Moderators.

** this has been a public service announcement. I now return you to your regular progamming.

[bjornolf]

Hey, I AM a redneck. I can tell those jokes safely!

[cl15876]

... In fairness to all decent hardworking folk there will be no doctor, athlete, garbage woker, postal worker, redneck or lawyer jokes. No blond jokes, women jokes, men jokes, gay jokes or straight jokes.

The only group now fair game for jokes will be Kumquat Moderators.

** this has been a public service announcement. I now return you to your regular progamming.

Shoe - (get it ... (I crack myself up sometimes) - I couldn't remember how to do shewww - ), so the lizard, cow, horse, fish and the pig joke worked! .... I loved the lizard joke, good thing it was early and no one could hear me laugh out loud!!!!!

[wilson]

A rich man and a poor man are having lunch together one day, and both have anniversaries coming up.
Poor man asks rich man, "What'd you get your wife for your anniversary?"
"A diamond ring and a Mercedes," the rich man replies.
"Why both?" asks the poor man.
The rich man says, "Well, that way if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive in the Mercedes to return it, and she'll still be happy. So what'd you get your wife?"
The poor man answers, "A pair of slippers and a vibrator."
"Why both?" the rich man asks.
The poor man replies, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

[CathyCA]

You CHOSE to be a lawyer. Heck you WENT to school for years and PAID money to BECOME a lawyer. What, you didn't know there were jokes about lawyers when you decided to be one?

Yes, I knew about the jokes and was subjected to them on a daily basis in law school as several of my law professors who thought of themselves as comedians opened every lecture with a lawyer joke. Some were good and some were bad. (<-------The jokes and the professors.)

There are different types of lawyer jokes. Some of them only make sense if they're told about lawyers. Others could make sense if told about anyone. When it became politically incorrect to tell ethnic jokes, many people began substituting the word "lawyer" for the particular race they were joking on. To me, those jokes are offensive because they might as well be ethnic jokes.

I think there is also a difference between a mean-spirited joke and a humorous story told to break the ice or make a point in a presentation. I've been the butt of many lawyer jokes, told lots of times by people who WISH they could have gone to law school and couldn't have gotten in, or by people who are slow to pay my bills. . .

So, to say it another way, I think that lawyer jokes are funniest when coming from a lawyer who is joking on himself or herself. You know, laugh along with me, not AT me?

[bjornolf]

I respect your opinion on this matter. So, I'll get my lawyer friend to sign on to this site. He's both a lawyer and an engineer, and he's the one that told me that joke. I'll have him start posting all the lawyer jokes he's told me, and then you won't be able to complain. He's got some that I'D be embarrassed to tell, but trust me, he won't be. Fair enough? ;)

No, I won't do that. It'd be cruel. I'm sorry you felt so strongly about my joke. I didn't really see how lawyer could be substituted for anything else in it, and I didn't think it was that bad as far as lawyer jokes go. It's nothing like the bottom of the sea joke or the shark joke or the snake jokes. Sorry. I'll be good.