Jokes

[devildeac]

And another:

Taking It With You

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money.

At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

[Very Duke Blue]

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”[/quote]

[CathyCA]

And another:

Taking It With You

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money.

At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

I actually tell this joke as a part of a presentation I give to groups on estate planning. I use it to illustrate my point that they should enlist the advice of an attorney in making their plans.

At this point in the presentation, I tell my audience that I've never seen a moving van outside of Wilkerson's Funeral Home, and that "you can't take it with you," so you might as well plan to leave it here and shelter it from the government.

BTW, for estate planning purposes, this is the year to die--no federal estate taxes.

[devildeac]

Cowboy Bank Loan



A Cowboy from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an

international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.



The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.



Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.



Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Brad Street and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"



The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Very Duke Blue]

Cowboy Bank Loan



A Cowboy from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an

international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.



The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.



Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.



Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Brad Street and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"



The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[CameronBornAndBred]

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

HA! That's perfect!

[EarlJam]

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

HA! That's perfect!

Agreed! LOL!

-EarlJam

[devildeac]

I resemble this remark:

Subject: THE CARDIOLOGIST





A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new! So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[Very Duke Blue]

I resemble this remark:

Subject: THE CARDIOLOGIST





A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new! So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

I love it!!!

[Very Duke Blue]

This is a really old joke. It might be new to some of you.

After working hard all day, Joe, the plumber got really sick with a headache, fever and chills. He called his doctor at 5:00 pm for help. His doctor told him it was after office hours. He advised Joe to take two aspirin, go to bed and call him in the morning.

A couple of weeks later, the doctor was hosting a dinner party at his house. About an hour before guest were to arrive, the downstairs toilet wasn't flushing as it should. Doc called Joe, and ask him to come over right away to fix the toilet. Joe looked at his watch, informed the doctor is was after hours. He advised the doctor to take two aspirin, put them in the toilet and flush and call him in the morning.

[knights68]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?


Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.

[CameronBornAndBred]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?


Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.

That's horrible.

[Miles]

It's no joke, Let's Go Duke!!!

[cl15876]

And another:

Taking It With You

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money.

At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

I actually tell this joke as a part of a presentation I give to groups on estate planning. I use it to illustrate my point that they should enlist the advice of an attorney in making their plans.

At this point in the presentation, I tell my audience that I've never seen a moving van outside of Wilkerson's Funeral Home, and that "you can't take it with you," so you might as well plan to leave it here and shelter it from the government.

BTW, for estate planning purposes, this is the year to die--no federal estate taxes.

I needed a good laugh tonight so I came back here and scrolled up to re-read all the jokes I thought I had read.... I remember seeing this one, but I apparently got interrupted while viewing, because I don't remember it but it made me tonight! Where's my checkbook! Smart Lawyer!

[cl15876]

Cowboy Bank Loan



A Cowboy from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an

international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.



The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.



Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.



Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Brad Street and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"



The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Same applies to this one also! This one also got me!!!!!

[cl15876]

I resemble this remark:

Subject: THE CARDIOLOGIST
......
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new! So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

I simply loved this!!!!! ;)

[cl15876]

This is a really old joke. It might be new to some of you.

After working hard all day, Joe, the plumber got really sick with a headache, fever and chills. He called his doctor at 5:00 pm for help. His doctor told him it was after office hours. He advised Joe to take two aspirin, go to bed and call him in the morning.

A couple of weeks later, the doctor was hosting a dinner party at his house. About an hour before guest were to arrive, the downstairs toilet wasn't flushing as it should. Doc called Joe, and ask him to come over right away to fix the toilet. Joe looked at his watch, informed the doctor is was after hours. He advised the doctor to take two aspirin, put them in the toilet and flush and call him in the morning.

VDB - I've never heard this before... (Does that make me a youngster or just a person that doesn't get out enough), but regardless, this one had me rolling!!!!! Priceless!

[cl15876]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?


Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.

That's horrible.

I wasn't in the mood to express myself before now, but I kinda of like this one and it made my day when I read IT, coupled with CB&B's follow up which made it even funnier! Sorry for delayed reaction K69!!!!

[cl15876]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?


Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.

That's horrible.

I wasn't in the mood to express myself before now, but I kinda of like this one and it made my day when I read IT, coupled with CB&B's follow up which made it even funnier! Sorry for delayed reaction K69!!!!

Oooops, I meant K68!

[CameronBornAndBred]

Tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"