Jokes

[IowaDevil]

Too funny!

[devildeac]

Two ladies sit down next to each other on a plane, one a Northern aristocrat, the other, a charming Southern woman. Their conversation went something like this:

Southerner: "My, that sure is a large diamond you have."
Northerner: "My husband gave it to me for our 50th anniversary last year. He wanted me to have the largest diamond he could find."
Southerner: "Isn't that precious? Where do you live?"
Northerner: "We live on the biggest home on Long Island. My husband wanted the biggest house he could build for our 40th anniversary."
Southerner: "Isn't that precious? How did you get to the airport today?"
Northerner: "My husband drove me in his large SUV, the biggest he could find."
Southerner: "Isn't that precious?'
Northerner: "What has your husband given you recently?"
Southerner: "Well, two years ago he sent me to finishing school."
Northerner: "What on earth did he do that for and did you learn anything?"
Southerner: "Well, I learned how to say 'Isn't that precious' when really I didn't give a shit about what the other person's reply was."

Bless her heart, right Ima?

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

You betcha!

Although I was waiting with rapt attention to what his next "biggest thing" was going to be. Clearly, this joke didn't go the direction I was anticipating.
Love, ima

[DukieInKansas]

You betcha!

Although I was waiting with rapt attention to what his next "biggest thing" was going to be. Clearly, this joke didn't go the direction I was anticipating.
Love, ima

And that is why I love you, Ima!

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

God: "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam: "Gladly Lord, what is it?"
God: "Do down in the valley and......"
Adam interrupts: "What's a valley?"
So God explains a valley, and goes on.
God: "Cross the river....."
Adam: "River. What's a river?"
So God describes a river and continues,
God:...then over the hill.."
Adam: "Hill?"
God: "Sheesh!"...and tells him what a hill is. Then says, "Find the entrance to a cave."
Adam: "A cave, huh. What's that?"
God, getting low on patience, defines a cave and then says,
God: "In the cave there will be a woman."
Adam: "I don't know what that is either."
God describes a woman and then tells Adam..
God: "I want the two of you to reproduce."
You guessed it, Adam hasn't the foggiest notion of what that means so God, exasperated, tells Adam about the birds and the bees.
Adam says, "Aha!" and takes off.
Returns in five minutes and says, "What's a headache?"

Bless his heart. Love, Ima

[devildeac]

Heard in a courtroom in the Varnish Zone:

Judge: I see you're here for shoplifting. What did you steal?
Woman: A can of peaches, Your Honor.
Judge: How many peaches were in the can?
Woman: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: Well I'm going to give you one day in jail for each one of the peaches in that can.
Husband's voice from back of courtroom: She stole a can of peas, too, Your Honor.

[lawgrad91]

Heard in a courtroom in the Varnish Zone:

Judge: I see you're here for shoplifting. What did you steal?
Woman: A can of peaches, Your Honor.
Judge: How many peaches were in the can?
Woman: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: Well I'm going to give you one day in jail for each one of the peaches in that can.
Husband's voice from back of courtroom: She stole a can of peas, too, Your Honor.

Yep, pretty much.

[CathyCA]

Heard in a courtroom in the Varnish Zone:

Judge: I see you're here for shoplifting. What did you steal?
Woman: A can of peaches, Your Honor.
Judge: How many peaches were in the can?
Woman: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: Well I'm going to give you one day in jail for each one of the peaches in that can.
Husband's voice from back of courtroom: She stole a can of peas, too, Your Honor.

Yep, pretty much.

This is a good one!

[IowaDevil]

Heard in a courtroom in the Varnish Zone:

Judge: I see you're here for shoplifting. What did you steal?
Woman: A can of peaches, Your Honor.
Judge: How many peaches were in the can?
Woman: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: Well I'm going to give you one day in jail for each one of the peaches in that can.
Husband's voice from back of courtroom: She stole a can of peas, too, Your Honor.

[lawgrad91]

True story (or at least what I was told by a guy from church):

Miss Lou is an eighty-something at church. She is a tiny little bird of a woman in a wheelchair, but when she was younger, she ran the kitchen at the Forsyth County Jail, so she is tough. At the moment she is in the hospital. The Rev LG and I went to see her, and her nephew was there. Nephew related the following:

Nephew took Miss Lou to the doctor in Winston-Salem, and traffic was brutal. Miss Lou was cussing at the cars. "Get the hell out of our way. Get the hell out of our way."

Nephew says, "It's ok, Miss Lou. We will get there on time. Just settle down and you don't need to be saying the h- word."

Miss Lou: "Ok. But what about the M word?"

Nephew (confused): "What's the M word?"

Miss Lou: "Motherf*******."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Yup, a tough old bird she is!

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

She's earned the right to let it fly!!!!!! Bless her heart!!!
Love, Ima

[CathyCA]

True story (or at least what I was told by a guy from church):

Miss Lou is an eighty-something at church. She is a tiny little bird of a woman in a wheelchair, but when she was younger, she ran the kitchen at the Forsyth County Jail, so she is tough. At the moment she is in the hospital. The Rev LG and I went to see her, and her nephew was there. Nephew related the following:

Nephew took Miss Lou to the doctor in Winston-Salem, and traffic was brutal. Miss Lou was cussing at the cars. "Get the hell out of our way. Get the hell out of our way."

Nephew says, "It's ok, Miss Lou. We will get there on time. Just settle down and you don't need to be saying the h- word."

Miss Lou: "Ok. But what about the M word?"

Nephew (confused): "What's the M word?"

Miss Lou: "Motherf*******."

Jon went to see a little old lady at the nursing home this week. She had a roommate who greeted Jon with "Get your ass out of that chair and get out of this room!"

The lady whom Jon was visiting said to her roommate, "Um, this is my pastor from the Methodist church in Greenville."

The cussing roommate said sweetly, "Oh, so nice to meet you, Pastor! I go to the Methodist church in Kinston."

[lawgrad91]

True story (or at least what I was told by a guy from church):

Miss Lou is an eighty-something at church. She is a tiny little bird of a woman in a wheelchair, but when she was younger, she ran the kitchen at the Forsyth County Jail, so she is tough. At the moment she is in the hospital. The Rev LG and I went to see her, and her nephew was there. Nephew related the following:

Nephew took Miss Lou to the doctor in Winston-Salem, and traffic was brutal. Miss Lou was cussing at the cars. "Get the hell out of our way. Get the hell out of our way."

Nephew says, "It's ok, Miss Lou. We will get there on time. Just settle down and you don't need to be saying the h- word."

Miss Lou: "Ok. But what about the M word?"

Nephew (confused): "What's the M word?"

Miss Lou: "Motherf*******."

Jon went to see a little old lady at the nursing home this week. She had a roommate who greeted Jon with "Get your ass out of that chair and get out of this room!"

The lady whom Jon was visiting said to her roommate, "Um, this is my pastor from the Methodist church in Greenville."

The cussing roommate said sweetly, "Oh, so nice to meet you, Pastor! I go to the Methodist church in Kinston."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Nina loves them both!

[CathyCA]

The Fable of the Horse And the Chicken

The horse and the chicken were friends. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? Yep, you betchya, there IS a moral!

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Groan!

[CathyCA]

An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He is in his mid-eighties, is very well dressed, with his hair neatly groomed, wearing a great looking suit with a flower in his lapel and he emits a slight fragrance of an expensive after shave.

He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her.

He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me. . . do I come here often?"

[IowaDevil]

An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He is in his mid-eighties, is very well dressed, with his hair neatly groomed, wearing a great looking suit with a flower in his lapel and he emits a slight fragrance of an expensive after shave.

He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her.

He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me. . . do I come here often?"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

Yes ma'am, lots of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a
private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."