Jokes

[OZZIE4DUKE]

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how it was being split up. The State Department is hiring all the Twinkies, the Secret Service is hiring all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters have already sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

If it wasn't so true it'd be really funny!

[devildeac]

This gem came from a contest where you could change/add/subtract any letter of any word: ignoranus. Define it.

(spelling is correct)











(someone who both stupid and an asshole)

[EarlJam]

So the local bank here announced a new type of loan offering last week.

Surprisingly, no one........and I mean NO ONE........took advantage of the loan or even asked about it.

Yeah, it was a "No Interest" loan.

Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!



-Mr. EarlJam with Grandmaster Flash

[CameronBornAndBred]

[OZZIE4DUKE]

tomcruise.jpg

I saw that coming before I read the end of the blurb!

[CathyCA]

tomcruise.jpg

Giggles.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale “ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

[OZZIE4DUKE]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...



The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.



Whe;n she asked me why, I replied,



"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"



And that's how the fight started.....



________________________________



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were in bed.



I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'



'No,' she answered.. I then said,



'Is that your final answer?'



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And that's when the fight started...



________________________________



I took my wife to a restaurant.



The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.



"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"



"Nah, she can order for herself."



And that's when the fight started.....



_______________________________



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.



I asked her, "Do you know him?"



"Yes", she sighed,



"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"



And then the fight started...



________________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.



When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."



The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



______________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.



She asked, "What's on TV?"



I said, "Dust."



And then the fight started...



________________________________



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the

garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."



My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"



And that's how the fight started...



_______________________________



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.



She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds."



I bought her a bathroom scale.



And then the fight started......



______________________________



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security.



The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age.



I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.



So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.



She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

me' and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'



And then the fight started...



________________________________



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.



She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,



"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'



I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."



And then the fight started........



________________________________



I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!



The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!



He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'



So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'



That's how the fight started.

[IowaDevil]

No fights starting at this house....we are too busy laughing at Ozzie's jokes!

[CameronBornAndBred]

Most excellent fights!

[devildeac]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...



The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.



Whe;n she asked me why, I replied,



"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"



And that's how the fight started.....



________________________________



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were in bed.



I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'



'No,' she answered.. I then said,



'Is that your final answer?'



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And that's when the fight started...



________________________________



I took my wife to a restaurant.



The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.



"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"



"Nah, she can order for herself."



And that's when the fight started.....



_______________________________



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.



I asked her, "Do you know him?"



"Yes", she sighed,



"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"



And then the fight started...



________________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.



When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."



The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



______________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.



She asked, "What's on TV?"



I said, "Dust."



And then the fight started...



________________________________



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the

garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."



My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"



And that's how the fight started...



_______________________________



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.



She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds."



I bought her a bathroom scale.



And then the fight started......



______________________________



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security.



The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age.



I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.



So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.



She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

me' and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'



And then the fight started...



________________________________



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.



She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,



"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'



I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."



And then the fight started........



________________________________



I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!



The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!



He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'



So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'



That's how the fight started.

As many fights as you've just described that you have had with Mrs. Ozzie, I remain astounded that you two have been married for over 34 years.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

As many fights as you've just described that you have had with Mrs. Ozzie, I remain astounded that you two have been married for over 34 years.

>35, including 10 good ones. But who's counting?
...And then the fight started...

[CameronBornAndBred]

A Law Joke!!

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

[CathyCA]

A Law Joke!!

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm glad that's a Mississippi joke. Nothing like that would ever happen in a North Carolina courtroom. ;) (We haven't used electrocution as a means of punishment since 1935.)

[lawgrad91]

A Law Joke!!

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm glad that's a Mississippi joke. Nothing like that would ever happen in a North Carolina courtroom. ;) (We haven't used electrocution as a means of punishment since 1935.)

This is why I work four hours west of where I grew up.

Not that it's foolproof; the county attorney and I went to undergrad together, and a defense attorney and his paralegal grew up on the other side of the tracks from my neighborhood. They followed me here.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

An elderly couple who were both widowed had been going out with each other for a long timel. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like in infrequently." she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is that one word or two?"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:


"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

For some reason, women tend to like this joke........

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.






A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'






A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'




One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Today's Bible verse is from Genesis:

"And God promised man that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the Earth.

And God made the Earth round. And He laughed and laughed and laughed."

Bless His heart.
Love, Ima

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."


(Gotta love military time)