Jokes

[DukieInKansas]

If you are over 45 yrs old, you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test





How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S















| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert!!

Clearly, I need to go shopping.

I guessed

FANDOM
FORK
PANTS
PURSE
SOX
BOOTS

I went with fandom also. As to the rest -

[CathyCA]

Two old ladies were in Las Vegas, sitting next to one another at the slots.
One looks at the other and asks,"Did you come on the bus?"
The second lady says, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

I'm going to remember this one next week.

[Very Duke Blue]

Two old ladies were in Las Vegas, sitting next to one another at the slots.
One looks at the other and asks,"Did you come on the bus?"
The second lady says, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.

Their three kids, all very successful,

Agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor..

'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one ...

'Sorry I'm running late.

I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient,
You know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'

'Not to worry,' said the father.

'The important thing is that we're all together today.'

Son number two arrived and announced,

'You and Mom look great, Dad.

I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions

And didn't have time to shop for you.'

'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'

Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary!

I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and

I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.'

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

'There's something your mother

And I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

You see, we were very poor.

Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.

Throughout the years your mother

And I knew that we loved each other very much,

But we just never found the time to get married.'

The three children gasped and all said,

'You mean we're bastards?'

'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.'

So funny!!!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Two old ladies were in Las Vegas, sitting next to one another at the slots.
One looks at the other and asks,"Did you come on the bus?"
The second lady says, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

I'm going to remember this one next week.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour? The old man replied,



















'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

[captmojo]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour? The old man replied,



















'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

[Very Duke Blue]

Again, I caught up on the jokes. Thanks for my Monday evening entertainment.

[Jesus_hurley]

[Jesus_hurley]

[Jesus_hurley]

A little boy walked up to priest on the street. The boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The priest said, 'I am a Father..' ... ... The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up and answered, ''I am the Father of many! The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds'. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger.."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you
don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in a rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing he asked again.The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.'

[CameronBornAndBred]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[captmojo]

Four nice ones! I'm stealing all of 'em!
Well done, OZ.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Four nice ones! I'm stealing all of 'em!
Well done, OZ.

I borrowed 'em too! I assure you they were not original material! ;)

[CathyCA]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

This is one of my favorite jokes of all time. My dad told it on the day he died. He told my cousin that he was going to find her dad in heaven and tell it to him.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

This is too good not to post before I head out...


A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is, in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder....

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[DukieInKansas]

This is too good not to post before I head out...


A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is, in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder....

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

And I thought it was because that was the cow that was going to get nailed. Her answer was better.