Jokes

[bjornolf]

Yea, that's a great one. I crack up every time I read it. I like the concern the other judges show the poor guy. And the wiping his ass with a snow cone line always gets me. My father loved this one too. We lived in Texas for a few years, and we had some HOT chili while we were there, so we can relate.

[windsor]

Yea, that's a great one. I crack up every time I read it. I like the concern the other judges show the poor guy. And the wiping his ass with a snow cone line always gets me.

The snowcone always gets me too. Here is another one (not new by any stretch but always makes me laugh)


I am writing in response to your request for additional information in block number 3 of the accident recording form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a brick layer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them down in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to secure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will notice in block number 11 of the accident form that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off of the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.

Slowed down slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my hands were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, at the time, I gained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Before the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighted approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my lower legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me down enough to lessen my injuries when I fell on the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that while laying on the bricks in pain and unable to stand and watching the empty barrel stories above, I again lost my presence of mind, I let go of the rope!

[bjornolf]

I remember that one too. Also one of my faves. Thanks Windsor.

[DukieInKansas]

Windsor - Doesn't Mike Cross have a song about this?

[windsor]

Windsor - Doesn't Mike Cross have a song about this?

MIKE CROSS - now there is a name I haven't heard in many a year!!

Don't know who put the liquor in the well but I think I know who found it..........while Gabriel and Satan shoot craps for my soul!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I got this joke in an email today, and just had to post it for our favorite pirate! :lol:

The Pirate in the Bar


A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[ArkieDukie]

I got this joke in an email today, and just had to post it for our favorite pirate! :lol:

The Pirate in the Bar


A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Good one!

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

Love, Ima

[CameronBornAndBred]

Windsor - Doesn't Mike Cross have a song about this?

Dear Boss, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
And at the time of writing, I am not a pretty sight;
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today.

While working on the fourteenth floor some bricks I had to clear;
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea.
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he being an awful sod
He said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

Now, clearing all those bricks by hand it was so very slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below.
But in my haste to do the job I was too blind to see
That a barrelful of building bricks was heavier than me.

So when I untied the rope the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well, the barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it sped,
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head.
I clung on tight though numb with shock from this almighty blow
As the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when those bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more;
Still clinging tightly to the rope, I sped down to the ground,
And landed on the broken bricks that were all scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground, I thought I'd passed the worst,
When the barrel hit the pulley-wheel, and then the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
And as my sight began to dim, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel than being heavier, it started down once more,
It landed right across me, as I lay upon the floor.
It broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

Actually MC didn't write it, but he sang it great. Hell, anything he sings is great, he's so fun live. He doesn't play live real often, but he does have about 20-30 shows a year. Hopefully he'll be somewhere within driving distance next year.

[captmojo]

Whilst (ya don't see that word often, do ya?) driving thru Chatham County, back during election season, I was noticing signs touting a "Mike Cross" running for commissioner. They weren't the same dude, were they? Politicians might be used to whisky 'fore breakfast, now that I think about it.

[CameronBornAndBred]

Whilst (ya don't see that word often, do ya?) driving thru Chatham County, back during election season, I was noticing signs touting a "Mike Cross" running for commissioner. They weren't the same dude, were they? Politicians might be used to whisky 'fore breakfast, now that I think about it.

He still lives in Carrboro, so he'd have to run for Orange county. I'd show up to watch him debate. His only problem was his college of choice.

[cl15876]

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

cookout_edited-1.jpg

Love, Ima

I love your hot dog joke!

[bjornolf]

I just thought of this one and just had to include it. It's an oldy but goodie from a stand up I once heard.

"Tell me this isn't the dirtiest line in television history:
'Ward, hunny, I think you went a little hard on the Beaver last night.'"

[DukeUsul]

Here's a physicist joke.

A statistician, a biologist and a physicist were at the racetrack. They're making a sidebet with each other over who will pick the winning horse and discussing their strategies.

The statistician says: "It's really quite simple. I've collected data on each horse's previous races, their head-to-head performance against each other, including other variables such as temperature and weather at the time of race. A simple regression and I can easily calculate the probability of each horse winning."

The biologist says: "No, no, that's all wrong. You have to analyze the horse's lineage. Which comes from the best performing line? And what about the horse's size and musculature? Which horse has the best body mass index? And what about diet?"

They continue to argue and notice their physicist friend is being silent. They turn to him and one asks, "So what about you? How are you going to figure this out?"

The physicist responds, "Well, let's assume a spherical horse in a vacuum...."

[EarlJam]

Q: Why don't pirates every win golf tournaments?

A: All they can do is Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

-EJ

[bjornolf]

Q: Why don't pirates every win golf tournaments?

A: All they can do is Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

-EJ

I thought it would have to do with the missing eye, the peg leg, the hook hand, and the parrot constantly squawking and crapping on his shoulder. ;)

[Hancock4Duke]

This is somewhat related to the Pirate Joke.
A pirate walks into a bar with a pegleg, a hook, and an eye patch. The bartender says "How did you get that pegleg?"
He responded "AArrr, I was in a grusome fight with another ship , and a cannonball plowed itself into my leg, and cut it off."
Then the bartender asked "Well, how did you get the hook?"
And the pirate answered "I was in a horrible sword fight with BlackBeard, and he chopped off my arm to win the battle."
Finally the bartender asked "How did you get the eyepatch?"
The Pirate responded "Well I looked up, and a seagull crapped and it hit me in the eye!"
The bartender said "But that couldn't cause your eye to fall out and get an eyepatch"
Then the Pirate said: "I wasn't use to the Hook yet."

[Ben63]

Q: Why don't pirates ever win golf tournaments?

A: All they can do is Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

-EJ

That would win the US Open most years...

[CameronBornAndBred]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, 'I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick any night.'

[cl15876]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, 'I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick any night.'

Chris, I needed that!!!!! VERY GOOD!!!!!