Windsor's Bearings

[windsor]

From the interesting dilema thread...this is the story of how Windsor came to own two titanium bearings...

OUR STORY BEGINS:

It was along time ago in a galaxy far far away, before the dark times…

I was working for a company in the health care field…director of one of the software development groups. We were acquired by a company based in San Diego. (aka the Evil Empire). This company decides rather than develop their repricing and case management software in-house they would seek out a vendor application (hint: my team DID the repricing software, so this was not good news). I was on the team that evaluated the vendor options. The company also brought in clueless yet high priced consultants to assist with this process. In the course of our evaluation we decided “XYZ” software was the worst piece of crap I have ever seen. The consultants agreed. Apparently someone at XYZ had pictures of our CEO In flagrante delicto with farm animals, because he selected XYZ as our software company.

The legends begins:
It came to pass that my team was going to be phased out – our mission was to ‘keep the wheels on’ our in house software while the consultants ran the conversion to the new system. I negotiated generous retention bonuses for my folks, with the last of us leaving six months down the road. This company had a long history of letting HR goons sweep in and botch layoffs (they once sent voice mail messages directing staff to one of two meetings…one meeting got fired, the other retained). I was hell bent for leather to tell my people myself…as I told San Diego…I am an ‘us’ you are a ‘them’…the evil fing empire…I need to do this. Our COO (Joe) flatly refused…our CIO was at least on my side…by OO out ranked IO and he said ‘no way in hell’ we’re putting HR on a plane…you WILL NOT TELL THEM”…I am in a conference room on this call with them and a rustle a piece of paper at the speaker phone..”You hear that Joe..that is my resignation, which is going to be in the fax machine to you in the next 15 minutes…then I’m going out into the parking lot with my team and telling them my way and I guarantee you NONE of them will stay to the end of their contracts. Your other choice is to sit down, shut up and let me do this right and I guarantee all but one will stay…choose. NOW.
The only sound was what could best be described as a snort coming from our CIO (I later learned that Joe turned so red they thought he was going to stroke out). After 30 seconds or so Joe said only “Don’t fuck it up”. I ended the call, gathered my team and delivered the hardest news I have ever had to deliver. Lots of tears…but to this day I know it was the right thing for me to do. I called Joe back about an hour later, reporting that everyone but one was onboard…and they all did stay until the end of their contracts.



Stay tuned for part II…

[windsor]

Part II: Consultants from Hell

So the conversion project marches on…three months in the consultants have made what can best be described as a total abortion of the data conversion process. The clock is ticking and they are up shits creek with no paddle. Meanwhile, my team is enjoying long lunches and easy work as we bide our time and keep the old software compliant while the be and all consultants handle this conversion.

One fine day my phone rings. It is our CIO (Bob). Bob has Rob (yes their real names) who is the head yahoo of the consultant team on this engagement in his office…Houston they have problem. They have no idea how to get 6 million workers compensation claims from system old to system new (never occurred to them to ask the people who wrote system old how to do it). Rob explains the issues they are having to which I reply “you couldn’t have done it more wrong if you were actually trying to screw it up…before you accepted the big bucks for this job did any of you bother to see if there were differences between group health and work comp?” Insert chuckling noise from CIO Bob…I pretty much filet Consultant Rob…to the point he says “Loni why are you being so..so hateful” and I say “Rob…why are you being so stupid”…CIO Bob told me I had literally made him cry. Rob leaves the rooms…I say to CIO Bob…my team, the people you fired, are about to save your ass. We can pull this out of the wreckage and make it happen, but you have got to keep the consult boys out of my way and let us kick a few asses. Bob’s answer was ‘kick all the ass you want, and if it doesn’t move let me know and I’ll kick it too’

We did, saved the day wrote the conversion process…made the deadline…and then the vendor was late…and the clock is ticking on our retention contracts……tick tock tick tock…’D’ days comes…and I get a whole chunk of chump change. I am done, finished, through…..except that XYZ still hasn’t delivered…and the data isn’t moved yet….but I have my money and am riding off into the sunset when the phone rings….it is Rob the Sobbing Consultants boss…Screamin’ Dan (seriously this guy was a screamer with no qualms about dropping fbombs). The conversation with Screamin’ Dan goes like this “My boys fucked up, you and your folks saved our asses…and made us look like fucking morons. You know XYZ hasn’t delivered everything. Straight up, no bullshit..We need you to finish the data conversion. Work for us, this project only <insert obscene hourly rate here>.

I accepted, took the money quite literally and ran finished the conversion…which brings us to the thrilling conclusion (coming soon)

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Some day, Windsor, you'll have to sit down with my wife over a few margaritas. That's all I'm going to say. That is all I can say.

[windsor]

Part III: The Thrilling Conclusion


The software is delivered the data is loaded and to the surprise of no one it is a disaster. Why?: Because XYZ writes shit code. It was mostly ‘vaporware’ which my folks and even the Moron Consultants saw…but CEO Rich the Marine (no shit…retired Marine…6 foot something and built like a linebacker) insisted. CEO Rich is, if you will pardon the expression, a Dick with Ears. He had maintenance relocate the thermostat in his office because it was in his sight line and it distracted him. A thermostat. Seriously.
He also has something of a temper. He throws things. He bellows, he screams…he pounds the desks…and generally scares the crap out of people.

So I am on my last trip to San Diego, doing the post mortum on the project. I am in the board room with CIO Bob, COO Joe, CEO Rich the Marine….Screamin’ Dan and Sobbing Rob. I am seated immediately to CEO Rich’s left.

Rich is on a rampage because the software doesn’t work. Standing leaning on the conference table…and he is screaming at Rob and Dan at the top of his lungs, accusing them of screwing the company being incompetent. he’s not gonna pay them and he’s gonna sue them they are done in this business because they are incompetent fucks who made him buy bad software. Rich’s volume is just shy of ‘jet takeoff’ and he is slamming both hands on the desk to make his point.
Rob, Dan and the rest of the crew are literally sinking into their chairs and trying to be as small as possible…Rob looks like he’s gonna cry again (hell DAN looks like he’s gonna cry) and no one is saying anything…I finally had enough. I rise from my chair, slam my hands on the desk and using my Cameron Crazy voice “What the fuck are you talking about? (audible gasps from the rest of the room and Dan shuts up in shock) “They told you not to buy this piece of shit …. your own I.T. including ME told you not to buy this piece of shit and you insisted…I can only assume because they had video of you fucking a goat.
You want to blame someone for this disaster…turn your fat ass around, march in to your fucking office then go in to your private fucking bathroom and look in the fucking mirror because this is no ones FUCKING FAULT BUT YOURS. YOU! This is your doing, this is your mess so stop being a fucking bully and admit you fucked up….and after that maybe we can figure out how to fix this cluster fuck… ….and I locked eyes with him. There was not a sound in the room…not a freakin’ sound…I could see the other guys faces reflecting in the windows and “shock and awe” comes to mind. I stared at Rich and he stared at me for what seems like forever. It was probably really 30 seconds. Rich finally said “Blame isn’t gonna solve any problems…we’ll figure that out later” and sat down. Game. Set. Match. I sat down.

At the project wrap ‘unofficial’ Part I was presented two rather large Titanium Bearings tastefully mounted on a Cherry plaque, with my name and the date of that meeting.



EPILOGUE:

Standing outside after the meeting no one could believe what I had said …or where I found the balls to do it…except CIO Bob who said “she’s not afraid of him…the worst he can do is fire her…and he’s already done that. You can intimidate someone if they don’t fear you, and Loni isn’t afraid of him. I saw Bob the CIO a few years later when I was out in San Diego at a conference. He and I are still friends. We talked about the old times, and drank ourselves some beers…still crazy, after all these years.

Rob the Sobbing Consulant and I are friends as well…Screamin’ Dan still tells the story of my team making his folks look bad…although it has been embellished over the years.

The company was bought within a year, and Dan the Marine was shown the door.

[Lavabe]

[OZZIE4DUKE]

... and now, Mr. President, Mr. Speaker, this is how we're going to solve our little debt problem tonight...

[windsor]

... and now, Mr. President, Mr. Speaker, this is how we're going to solve our little debt problem tonight...

if nominated, I will not run...if elected I will not serve.

Give me a half an hour in a closed room...we'd have a deal.

[bluebutton]

What he said. You rock. Great story.

[lawgrad91]

Well played, Windsor!

[CathyCA]

Are you certain those bearings weren't made of titanium?

Nice work!

[DukieInKansas]

Remind me never to get on your bad side!

Way to go, Windsor! It's nice when you don't have to worry about burning any bridges because the idiot already laid down the torch.




CEO Before Windsor:

CEO After Windsor:

Rest of the meeting participants after Windsor:

[devildeac]

... and now, Mr. President, Mr. Speaker, this is how we're going to solve our little debt problem tonight...

if nominated, I will not run...if elected I will not serve.

Give me a half an hour in a closed room...we'd have a deal.

No significance to the number of sporks. My finger just got tired and I now have a huge blister on it.

for windsor.

[shereec]

Oh I would have loved to be in attendance at that meeting.
Windsor, you rock!

[ArkieDukie]

"Did you ever know that you're my hero?"

Somehow, just doesn't seem adequate. Seriously, I want to be just like you when I grow up. This entire saga rocks, and it will serve as my inspiration for the remainder of my time here. I seriously cannot wait to use something along these lines on PPI and M.

[YmoBeThere]

Wow, well well well played.

[DevilAlumna]

Dang, can I come work for you?

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Well! THAT WAS FUN!!!!!!! Bless your heart!!!!!!
Love, Ima

[DevilWearsPrada2.0]

You go Windsor!

[Devil in the Blue Dress]

Sometimes the only one who can straighten out a big mess is a strong, smart woman.

Well done!

[windsor]

Dang, can I come work for you?

Anytime! I don't particularly like management...but my staff still say I was the best manager they ever had...probably because I would defend/support/protect them to bitter end. I spent most of my time managing up and keeping the path clear for my team to do the work they loved.

The whole situation was a 'perfect storm'...I had been technically fired (laid off) and collect nearly 50% of my annual salary in 'retention bonus' for staying until my release date...plus 20+ weeks of sev. pay, and several weeks of PTO/Sick. I had been working for an obscene hourly rate for 4 months..so at that moment in time I did not need that job or his bullshit. My worst case scenario was I called Delta and flew home early (I wouldn't even have to pay the change fee as I was Platinum at that time)

Oh, and I was right. Stone cold no grey area and I could prove it RIGHT....and everyone in the room new it.

Rob the Sobbing Consultant told me my tone of voice was "say one word to me asshole and I will rip off your nuts and make earings out of them"


I'm glad you guys are finding it amusing...I still smile when I think about it...damn that was fun.