DJ heard his mom talking on the phone about how she just couldn't make it somewhere because she felt really out of it because she was having her period. So he goes into his 2nd grade classroom and halfway through the day, he tells the teacher he wants to go home and doesn't feel well. She asks him what's wrong, and he tells her he's having his period. She laughs her butt off and tells him to sit down and ask his mother about it when he gets home.
A caller says that he was three hours late getting home from the mall two weeks after he got his license because he was making out with a girl and the car died and he had to get a jump. When his dad asked him why he was late, he said he accidentally left the AC on while he was in the mall (he dutifully told his dad that he'd turned off and locked the car of course) and the car had died, and when the mall closed, everybody had left so it took him a while to get a jump. Oops.
Another caller said he needed a mental health day and told his boss that he had "anal glaucoma". When his boss asked him what that was, he said "I just can't see my ass at work today." His boss laughed so hard he let him have the day off, and the guy says he's since heard his boss use the same excuse when he wanted to get off work to go golfing.
My dad has a great one. He calls it "The Heroes of Grand Forks." It's not a fake excuse, but a great reason to miss work. Back in the 70s, he was in the Air Force, and two of his airmen wanted to go to Winnipeg from Grand Forks for the weekend. They were on a really important job, but they were taking a break for the weekend, so Dad told them they could go cause they were good kids who had always followed the rules. He told them that they had to listen to the weather reports, and if a storm kicked up (it was the snow season), they were to get their butts back, because he needed them at their desks on Monday morning at 0800 sharp no matter what. They agreed and took off in their VW hippie bus. Well, sure enough, a blizzard hit on Sunday night, and Monday morning, the boys weren't back. Well, 0800 rolled around, then 0900, then 1000, and they weren't there. He called the barracks, but they weren't back. His boss, a Colonel, started chewing him out for letting them go. Of course, they didn't have cell phones back then, so there was no way to reach them. At 1130, the guys called and said they were at the Grand Forks police station, but they'd be back as soon as they could. Dad told them to go to the barracks and get presentable, and get in ASAP. Since they were safe, he started preparing their ass reaming. He'd never gotten to dress these boys down, and he was gonna make up for lost time and scare them back onto the straight and narrow.
Well, about 10 minutes later, a call came in. It was the mayor of Grand Forks, asking to talk to my dad by name. So, Dad answered, "Yes sir, Mr. Mayor, what can I do for you?" The mayor went on to tell him what fine young men his two airmen were and how proud he should be of them and how well Dad had obviously trained and influenced them. Turns out, they'd been listening to the weather reports and left just before the storm. However, it had caught up to them, as it was moving fast. They'd driven the 150 or so miles just behind the edge of the storm. They'd come upon a car stuck in the ditch next to the side of the road and helped push it back onto the road. They had then spent 18 hours on the road, rescuing cars that had spun out in the snow, and if the car couldn't be pulled out, they'd take the people into the van. In that time, they'd gotten about 8 cars running again, and had 16 people in their 10 seat van, including women and children and a pet or two. Their little VW van had just plugged along through the blizzard, and they'd developed quite a caravan. They had over 20 witnesses to their bravery and service, and to corroborate their tardy excuse. The mayor wanted to invite Dad, and the Colonel, to a special luncheon with all the people the boys had saved to honor "The Heroes of Grand Forks." Dad just couldn't bring himself to chew out two heroes, but he told them they were damned lucky, and they believed him. They were never late again. I guess if you're gonna be late, it doesn't hurt to have over a dozen witnesses and the keys to the city.
You guys have or have heard any good ones?
