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Remembering my funny-but-a-lying-dickhead ex-boyfriend got me to thinking about my husband, who is also a very funny guy but fortunately NOT a lying dickhead, and some of the zingers he's gotten me with over the years.

We were watching Iris, which is a lovely love story about a writer who ends up with Alzheimer's and her husband who cares for her to the very end. After the movie ended, I lifted my head from Bill's shoulder and looked at him all gooey-eyed and asked, "If I go mad, will you take care of me?" to which he replied, "As far as you'll know."

Out with some friends, we left the restaurant and he went to fetch the car while I waited out front. His friends, being true gentlemen, said they would wait with me, and he tossed over his shoulder as he walked away, "Make sure you clean her up after you're done this time, will you?"

Getting ready to go on a trip, I was despairing of finding some jeans that still fit, and after trying on half a dozen pairs, I collapsed to the floor, crying, "I'm a big fat cooowwww!" And he said, "No, honey, you're a small cow! A little tiny cow! A petite cow!"

(Fortunately, I don't take myself very seriously :lol: )

Share yours! Ones you've delivered, received, or just overheard.

gadzooks wrote:Remembering my funny-but-a-lying-dickhead ex-boyfriend got me to thinking about my husband, ....

Hmm, I'm thinking I AM GLAD I AM NOT YOUR HUSBAND ;)

gadzooks wrote:Remembering my funny-but-a-lying-dickhead ex-boyfriend got me to thinking about my husband,.... After the movie ended, I lifted my head from Bill's shoulder and looked at him all gooey-eyed and asked, "If I go mad, will you take care of me?" to which he replied, "As far as you'll know." ....

On 2nd thought.....???? how's your life insurance?

[quote="gadzooks"]... Out with some friends, we left the restaurant and he went to fetch the car while I waited out front. His friends, being true gentlemen, said they would wait with me, and he tossed over his shoulder as he walked away, "Make sure you clean her up after you're done this time, will you?" .../quote]

Can I ask a question... WTF????? you exhibitionist, you!!!!

cl15876 wrote:

gadzooks wrote:... Out with some friends, we left the restaurant and he went to fetch the car while I waited out front. His friends, being true gentlemen, said they would wait with me, and he tossed over his shoulder as he walked away, "Make sure you clean her up after you're done this time, will you?" .../quote]

Can I ask a question... WTF????? you exhibitionist, you!!!!

The hell are you talking about?

gadzooks wrote:

cl15876 wrote:

gadzooks wrote:... Out with some friends, we left the restaurant and he went to fetch the car while I waited out front. His friends, being true gentlemen, said they would wait with me, and he tossed over his shoulder as he walked away, "Make sure you clean her up after you're done this time, will you?" .../quote]

Can I ask a question... WTF????? you exhibitionist, you!!!!

The hell are you talking about?

I was trying to fig-RRR the same thing???? I was thinking you got sick and soiled the clothing whomever's shoulder you were folded over..." So. rock paper scissors.... you pick and we might call IT a draw..... my tummy isn't feeling soo secure... so please don't throw me over your shoulder.... ;)

cl15876 wrote:I was trying to fig-RRR the same thing???? I was thinking you got sick and soiled the clothing whomever's shoulder you were folded over..." So. rock paper scissors.... you pick and we might call IT a draw..... my tummy isn't feeling soo secure... so please don't throw me over your shoulder.... ;)

OK, lemme 'splain. I was standing with several of my husband's friends...all guys. Husband was making a funny joke about them "taking care" of me. I was at no point thrown over anyone's shoulder, nor was there any vomiting or removal of clothing. This thread is about zingers, not...whatever you were picturing.

Goofball.

gadzooks wrote:

cl15876 wrote:I was trying to fig-RRR the same thing???? I was thinking you got sick and soiled the clothing whomever's shoulder you were folded over..." So. rock paper scissors.... you pick and we might call IT a draw..... my tummy isn't feeling soo secure... so please don't throw me over your shoulder.... ;)

OK, lemme 'splain. I was standing with several of my husband's friends...all guys. Husband was making a funny joke about them "taking care" of me. I was at no point thrown over anyone's shoulder, nor was there any vomiting or removal of clothing. This thread is about zingers, not...whatever you were picturing.

Goofball.

Put your mind into the gutter

When my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child we went to see my parents. Being the 2nd child, for whatever magical medical reason, my wife was huge compared to the first. Like double sized (of course I gained as much weight as her, she lost hers, I kept mine). During breakfast one morning she sat in the wrong spot as one of the bars that connects the legs was broken on her particular chair. A few minutes in the chair folds and the she goes down - oddly enough ALMOST straight down, but in slo-mo. The landing wasn't bad, she was still sitting and leaning back in the chair and everything. After a second of silent shock at what happened I said 'at least you went down gracefully.'

Jesus_hurley wrote:When my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child we went to see my parents. Being the 2nd child, for whatever magical medical reason, my wife was huge compared to the first. Like double sized (of course I gained as much weight as her, she lost hers, I kept mine). During breakfast one morning she sat in the wrong spot as one of the bars that connects the legs was broken on her particular chair. A few minutes in the chair folds and the she goes down - oddly enough ALMOST straight down, but in slo-mo. The landing wasn't bad, she was still sitting and leaning back in the chair and everything. After a second of silent shock at what happened I said 'at least you went down gracefully.'

:lol: How did she take it?

I like the raspberry ones.

gadzooks wrote:

cl15876 wrote:I was trying to fig-RRR the same thing???? I was thinking you got sick and soiled the clothing whomever's shoulder you were folded over..." So. rock paper scissors.... you pick and we might call IT a draw..... my tummy isn't feeling soo secure... so please don't throw me over your shoulder.... ;)

OK, lemme 'splain. I was standing with several of my husband's friends...all guys. Husband was making a funny joke about them "taking care" of me. I was at no point thrown over anyone's shoulder, nor was there any vomiting or removal of clothing. This thread is about zingers, not...whatever you were picturing.

Goofball.

is so naive! Not that that's a bad thing!

Gadzooks, was there a "last time" he was referring to?

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:

gadzooks wrote:

cl15876 wrote:I was trying to fig-RRR the same thing???? I was thinking you got sick and soiled the clothing whomever's shoulder you were folded over..." So. rock paper scissors.... you pick and we might call IT a draw..... my tummy isn't feeling soo secure... so please don't throw me over your shoulder.... ;)

OK, lemme 'splain. I was standing with several of my husband's friends...all guys. Husband was making a funny joke about them "taking care" of me. I was at no point thrown over anyone's shoulder, nor was there any vomiting or removal of clothing. This thread is about zingers, not...whatever you were picturing.

Goofball.

is so naive! Not that that's a bad thing!

Gadzooks, was there a "last time" he was referring to?

No, it was purely a joke--he and I often make jokes about "your other girlfriend" and things like that, because we are both totally not the jealous type and know nothing like that would ever really happen.

At work a few years ago, a guy brought up the subject of "things we do in the shower." The conversation came to me. I said, "I just shower, nothing too exciting or strange, oh wait, I'll tell you what I do do."

At that point, he calmly said/asked, "You Doo Doo in the shower?"

I paused for a few moments of thought, lifted my head, looked him in the eye and said:

"FUCK YOU JOHN!"

True story.

-EarlJam

P.S. What he said WAS funny.

P.P.S. What I said wasn't very clever, but was rather effective.

EJ.

EarlJam wrote:At work a few years ago, a guy brought up the subject of "things we do in the shower." The conversation came to me. I said, "I just shower, nothing too exciting or strange, oh wait, I'll tell you what I do do."

At that point, he calmly said/asked, "You Doo Doo in the shower?"

I paused for a few moments of thought, lifted my head, looked him in the eye and said:

"FUCK YOU JOHN!"

True story.

-EarlJam

P.S. What he said WAS funny.

P.P.S. What I said wasn't very clever, but was rather effective.

Is that what you do in the shower? Does John notice? (insert Subway Footlong joke here)

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:

EarlJam wrote:At work a few years ago, a guy brought up the subject of "things we do in the shower." The conversation came to me. I said, "I just shower, nothing too exciting or strange, oh wait, I'll tell you what I do do."

At that point, he calmly said/asked, "You Doo Doo in the shower?"

I paused for a few moments of thought, lifted my head, looked him in the eye and said:

"FUCK YOU JOHN!"

True story.

-EarlJam

P.S. What he said WAS funny.

P.P.S. What I said wasn't very clever, but was rather effective.

Is that what you do in the shower? Does John notice? (insert Subway Footlong joke here)

No. What I do in the shower involves a scalpel, four sponges, a brillo pad, two photos of Ricki Lake, one other human, and a chainsaw.

-EJ

P.S. Oh yes, and also soap, shampoo and towels.

Here's a funny one. After my younger brother got married, everyone in the community started asking him when he and his wife were going to start a family. Finally someone asked one too many times, and my brother responded, with a straight face, "We figured out what causes that and we stopped doing it."

"People have more fun than anybody."

"Having children is hereditary. The chances are good, that if your parents didn't have children, you won't either."

"I'm trying."
-"Yes. Very."

ArkieDukie wrote:Here's a funny one. After my younger brother got married, everyone in the community started asking him when he and his wife were going to start a family. Finally someone asked one too many times, and my brother responded, with a straight face, "We figured out what causes that and we stopped doing it."

That's so sad ..... It really can be fun.... ;)