Jokes

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Hebonics

In keeping with the Oakland School District's declaration of the acceptance of Ebonics, the New York City Public Schools have officially declared Hebonics (Jewish English) as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish. Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question, plus a complaint, implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' would be answered, 'How should I be... with my bad feet?'" Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?" "Turtle, shmurtle. Don't touch them. You want to catch some disease?" Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress." Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks." Schollman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, "Switched-On Hebonics." Question: "What time is it?" English answer: "Sorry, I don't know." Hebonic response: "What am I, a clock?" Remark: "I hope things turn out okay." English answer: "Thanks." Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!" Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready." English answer: "Be right there." Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?" Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time." English answer: "Glad you like it." Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?" Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged." English answer: "Congratulations!" Hebonic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds." Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?" English answer: "Just say when." Hebonic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?" To the guest of honor at a birthday party: English answer: "Happy birthday." Hebonic response: "A year smarter you should become." Remark: "It's a beautiful day." English answer: "Sure is." Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?" Answering a phone call from a son: English answer: "It's been a while since you called." Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?" Plus, Bramson philosophy: Do you know what makes us Jews the most optimistic people in the world? Before we know how long it's going to be, we are willing to cut some off. Now, that's optimisim!

[lawgrad91]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi had a discussion about who was the the most persuasive. They decided to have a contest, and the winner would be the one that could convert a bear.

So after the first week, Father Flanagan reported to his colleagues, "As St. Patrick is my witness, I grabbed a bear and sprinkled him with some holy water, said a 'Hail Mary' over him, and he asked me for a rosary. Faith and begorrah!"

After the second week, Brother Gallimore reported, "Praise be Jesus, I went to the woods, found a bear, dragged him to the river and baptized him. When I left he was singing, "Gimme that Old Time Religion."

The third week, Rabbi Cohen met up with his brethren, clad in a body cast. "Oy," he said, "I guess starting with circumcision was not a good idea."

[captmojo]

nice......shirt.jpg (5.64 KiB) Viewed 311 times

Say no more!

But hide the kids!

[devildeac]

Three guys (or ladies), one from Duke, one from NCSU and one from unc, were on a desert island and had been there for months with no hope for rescue until they spotted a reflection in the sand. Rushing to it and brushing it off, they discovered it was a magic lantern and a genie suddenly appeared. They began to fight about who gets all the calls, err, wishes, but the genie quickly interrupted and told them each one of them got a wish and who wanted the first one.


Of course, the 'hole wanted to be first so s/he squealed, "Ooh, me first." So the genie asked what was the wish. S/he said they missed their wife/husband and kids and really wanted to see his/her team play BB this weekend so the genie granted the wish, and "poof" s/he was gone.

The genie then demanded to know who was second and the Duke grad said, "Please pick me. I know we really, really sucked last Friday night and I have no more MBB to watch but I'd love to return to my family and watch the Duke women play and spend time with my family." The wish was granted immediately and "poof" s/he was gone, too.

The NCSU grad couldn't quite make up his/her mind and mused about resurgent Wolfpack hoops and the family also. The genie, tiring of more nonsense, urged him/her to make their wish quickly. Being the thoughtful soul, the Pack backer said, "You know, I really miss those two knuckleheads and I sure wish I could see them here again and wish them goodbye and good luck..."













"Poof." And with that, the genie returned to his magic lantern .

[CameronBornAndBred]

Three guys (or ladies), one from Duke, one from NCSU and one from unc, were on a desert island and had been there for months with no hope for rescue until they spotted a reflection in the sand. Rushing to it and brushing it off, they discovered it was a magic lantern and a genie suddenly appeared. They began to fight about who gets all the calls, err, wishes, but the genie quickly interrupted and told them each one of them got a wish and who wanted the first one.


Of course, the 'hole wanted to be first so s/he squealed, "Ooh, me first." So the genie asked what was the wish. S/he said they missed their wife/husband and kids and really wanted to see his/her team play BB this weekend so the genie granted the wish, and "poof" s/he was gone.

The genie then demanded to know who was second and the Duke grad said, "Please pick me. I know we really, really sucked last Friday night and I have no more MBB to watch but I'd love to return to my family and watch the Duke women play and spend time with my family." The wish was granted immediately and "poof" s/he was gone, too.

The NCSU grad couldn't quite make up his/her mind and mused about resurgent Wolfpack hoops and the family also. The genie, tiring of more nonsense, urged him/her to make their wish quickly. Being the thoughtful soul, the Pack backer said, "You know, I really miss those two knuckleheads and I sure wish I could see them here again and wish them goodbye and good luck..."













"Poof." And with that, the genie returned to his magic lantern .

By the way, I think the 'hole was male and he squealed anyway.

[CathyCA]

I had to read it twice to "get it."

[devildeac]

I had to read it twice to "get it."

I thought about putting the part in where both the 'hole and Duke grad returned to the island but it's more fun this way. I think ;) .

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

I've read it four times and I STILL don't get it. I'll keep trying, though. Surely it's worth the effort.
Love, Ima

[CameronBornAndBred]

I've read it four times and I STILL don't get it. I'll keep trying, though. Surely it's worth the effort.
Love, Ima

The wuffie brought them back.

[IowaDevil]

Three guys (or ladies), one from Duke, one from NCSU and one from unc, were on a desert island and had been there for months with no hope for rescue until they spotted a reflection in the sand. Rushing to it and brushing it off, they discovered it was a magic lantern and a genie suddenly appeared. They began to fight about who gets all the calls, err, wishes, but the genie quickly interrupted and told them each one of them got a wish and who wanted the first one.


Of course, the 'hole wanted to be first so s/he squealed, "Ooh, me first." So the genie asked what was the wish. S/he said they missed their wife/husband and kids and really wanted to see his/her team play BB this weekend so the genie granted the wish, and "poof" s/he was gone.

The genie then demanded to know who was second and the Duke grad said, "Please pick me. I know we really, really sucked last Friday night and I have no more MBB to watch but I'd love to return to my family and watch the Duke women play and spend time with my family." The wish was granted immediately and "poof" s/he was gone, too.

The NCSU grad couldn't quite make up his/her mind and mused about resurgent Wolfpack hoops and the family also. The genie, tiring of more nonsense, urged him/her to make their wish quickly. Being the thoughtful soul, the Pack backer said, "You know, I really miss those two knuckleheads and I sure wish I could see them here again and wish them goodbye and good luck..."













"Poof." And with that, the genie returned to his magic lantern .

By the way, I think the 'hole was male and he squealed anyway.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Caution: If lights stay on for more than four hours, call erectrician.

Love, Ima

[devildeac]

image0011.jpg

Love, Ima

I have looked at this picture 4 times and I still don't get it. I'll keep trying .

Is he related to CB&B's stick finger drawing/picture from the LTE?

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

Oh shut UP!
Love, Ima

[OZZIE4DUKE]

To funny not to pass on!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SD5AiDxqOKk

[IowaDevil]

To funny not to pass on!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SD5AiDxqOKk

Mr ID also thanks you for the belly laughs!

[lawgrad91]

To funny not to pass on!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SD5AiDxqOKk

Cracking up at my desk....

Thanks Ozzie!

[CameronBornAndBred]

To funny not to pass on!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SD5AiDxqOKk

[lawgrad91]

image0011.jpg

Love, Ima

How did I miss the comment beneath before now?

[captmojo]

I feel like a weak, pathetic Gentile.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone