Jokes

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » July 14th, 2011, 4:55 pm

Name the 7 Dwarves of Menopause:

A: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho

Ima Facultiwyfe · Post by **Ima Facultiwyfe** » July 14th, 2011, 6:50 pm

Can't name all seven, but I'm sure Grumpy and Sweaty are two!
Love, Ima

captmojo · Post by **captmojo** » July 14th, 2011, 9:05 pm

The lone patrolman stopped a car for suspected drunken driving. The driver went through all the 'Stupid Human Tricks', and not very well. The officer thought one more and decided on the driver's recitation of the alphabet...but he didn't want the guy to sing it. So, he figured to have the guy stop, pre-decided, somewhere in the middle. Thus, the order was to recite the alphabet, from the beginning, to 'J'.
The driver stepped back a said, "Okay. But first, you've gotta tell me somethin'. Which one of you two fellers is Jay?"

lawgrad91 · Post by **lawgrad91** » July 14th, 2011, 9:09 pm

captmojo wrote:The lone patrolman stopped a car for suspected drunken driving. The driver went through all the 'Stupid Human Tricks', and not very well. The officer thought one more and decided on the driver's recitation of the alphabet...but he didn't want the guy to sing it. So, he figured to have the guy stop, pre-decided, somewhere in the middle. Thus, the order was to recite the alphabet, from the beginning, to 'J'.
The driver stepped back a said, "Okay. But first, you've gotta tell me somethin'. Which one of you two fellers is Jay?"

Must have happened in the varnish zone.

CathyCA · Post by **CathyCA** » July 15th, 2011, 10:07 am

captmojo wrote:The lone patrolman stopped a car for suspected drunken driving. The driver went through all the 'Stupid Human Tricks', and not very well. The officer thought one more and decided on the driver's recitation of the alphabet...but he didn't want the guy to sing it. So, he figured to have the guy stop, pre-decided, somewhere in the middle. Thus, the order was to recite the alphabet, from the beginning, to 'J'.
The driver stepped back a said, "Okay. But first, you've gotta tell me somethin'. Which one of you two fellers is Jay?"

I believe this happened in Pitt County.

In Wake County, the patrolmen testified all the time that the defendants SANG their ABCs while performing their field sobriety tests.

EarlJam · Post by **EarlJam** » July 15th, 2011, 11:54 am

Gary, an engineer from M.I.T. was working on a grade for combustion cylinder with a four-foot sprocket. His manager, Bob, came to him and introduced his new "partner" to the project (Steve) who was from Georgia Tech. Immediately, Steve looked over the cowling of the combustion cylinder, looked at Gary and asked, "Why are all the valves set for 45-degree thermodynamic auto-retraction?" Gary, always the witty one paused, wiped his hands and looked up to Steve with a knowing wink and said......

"Oh sure Southern boy! If you want to install shift sensors on a '97 combustion cylinder using a four foot sprocket, go ahead! And here's a magnetic field stabilizer for you too!!!"

-EarlJam

OZZIE4DUKE · Post by **OZZIE4DUKE** » July 17th, 2011, 11:51 am

Subject: The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

:
>> I love creative thinkers!
>>
>>> The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
>>>
>>> Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that,
>>>in spite of two
>>> different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office
>>>space and personnel.
>>>
>>> Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up
>>>a sign reading:
>>> "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
>>> The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
>>>
>>> So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
>>> This was also not acceptable.
>>>
>>> So they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics"......
>>> No go.
>>>
>>> Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....
>>> thumbs down again.
>>>
>>> Then came "Minds and Behinds"....
>>> still no good.
>>> Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......
>>> unacceptable again!
>>> So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....
>>> not a chance.
>>> "Nuts and Butts"..... no way.
>>> "Freaks and Cheeks"..... still no good.
>>> "Loons and Moons"..... forget it.
>>>
>>> Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
>>> "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones-- Odds and Ends"
>>>
>>> *Everyone loved it !!!

captmojo · Post by **captmojo** » July 17th, 2011, 6:59 pm

I like 'Nut and Butts'.

OZZIE4DUKE · Post by **OZZIE4DUKE** » July 24th, 2011, 8:53 pm

THE GOLFING NUN...... A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ .'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee... And this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... And I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... And it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f....ing putt, didn't you?'

I missed one of about that length for par today on 17...

CameronBornAndBred · Post by **CameronBornAndBred** » July 29th, 2011, 1:08 pm

This is from VDB's Facebook status.

A NC State fan, an Duke fan, and a UNC fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The NC State fan insists that he is the most loyal. ''This is for State!'' he yells, and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Duke fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for the Devils!" and pushes the UNC fan off the mountain.

DukieInKansas · Post by **DukieInKansas** » July 29th, 2011, 1:47 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:This is from VDB's Facebook status.

A NC State fan, an Duke fan, and a UNC fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The NC State fan insists that he is the most loyal. ''This is for State!'' he yells, and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Duke fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for the Devils!" and pushes the UNC fan off the mountain.

VDB is one smart woman!

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » July 29th, 2011, 2:10 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:This is from VDB's Facebook status.

A NC State fan, an Duke fan, and a UNC fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The NC State fan insists that he is the most loyal. ''This is for State!'' he yells, and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Duke fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for the Devils!" and pushes the UNC fan off the mountain.

He should have just thrown him under the bus.

DukieInKansas · Post by **DukieInKansas** » July 29th, 2011, 11:26 pm

devildeac wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:This is from VDB's Facebook status.

A NC State fan, an Duke fan, and a UNC fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The NC State fan insists that he is the most loyal. ''This is for State!'' he yells, and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Duke fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for the Devils!" and pushes the UNC fan off the mountain.

He should have just thrown him under the bus.

A Duke fan couldn't do that. Throwing under the bus is 'ol Roy's job.

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » July 30th, 2011, 6:24 am

DukieInKansas wrote:
devildeac wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:This is from VDB's Facebook status.

A NC State fan, an Duke fan, and a UNC fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The NC State fan insists that he is the most loyal. ''This is for State!'' he yells, and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Duke fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for the Devils!" and pushes the UNC fan off the mountain.

He should have just thrown him under the bus.
A Duke fan couldn't do that. Throwing under the bus is 'ol Roy's job.

Excellent point.

Ima Facultiwyfe · Post by **Ima Facultiwyfe** » August 1st, 2011, 10:20 am

Cannibal walks into a Cannibal Restaurant. Sits down to look over the menu:

Tourist $5
Broiled Missionary $10
Fried Explorer $15
Baked Democrat $100
Grilled Republican $100

"Why are the politicians so expensive?" he asks the waiter.

"Have you ever tried to clean one o' them things?", he replies. "They're so full of shit it takes us all morning!"

Love, Ima

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » August 1st, 2011, 10:22 am

Ima Facultiwyfe wrote:Cannibal walks into a Cannibal Restaurant. Sits down to look over the menu:

Tourist $5
Broiled Missionary $10
Fried Explorer $15
Baked Democrat $100
Grilled Republican $100

"Why are the politicians so expensive?" he asks the waiter.

"Have you ever tried to clean one o' them things?", he replies. "They're so full of shit it takes us all morning!"

Love, Ima

So sad.
So true.

CameronBornAndBred · Post by **CameronBornAndBred** » August 1st, 2011, 10:34 am

Ima Facultiwyfe wrote: "Have you ever tried to clean one o' them things?", he replies. "They're so full of shit it takes us all morning!"

Love, Ima

Very Duke Blue · Post by **Very Duke Blue** » August 1st, 2011, 10:47 am

Ima Facultiwyfe wrote:Cannibal walks into a Cannibal Restaurant. Sits down to look over the menu:

Tourist $5
Broiled Missionary $10
Fried Explorer $15
Baked Democrat $100
Grilled Republican $100

"Why are the politicians so expensive?" he asks the waiter.

"Have you ever tried to clean one o' them things?", he replies. "They're so full of shit it takes us all morning!"

Love, Ima

So true!!!

Very Duke Blue · Post by **Very Duke Blue** » August 1st, 2011, 10:49 am

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:Subject: The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

:
>> I love creative thinkers!
>>
>>> The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
>>>
>>> Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that,
>>>in spite of two
>>> different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office
>>>space and personnel.
>>>
>>> Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up
>>>a sign reading:
>>> "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
>>> The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
>>>
>>> So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
>>> This was also not acceptable.
>>>
>>> So they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics"......
>>> No go.
>>>
>>> Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....
>>> thumbs down again.
>>>
>>> Then came "Minds and Behinds"....
>>> still no good.
>>> Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......
>>> unacceptable again!
>>> So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....
>>> not a chance.
>>> "Nuts and Butts"..... no way.
>>> "Freaks and Cheeks"..... still no good.
>>> "Loons and Moons"..... forget it.
>>>
>>> Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
>>> "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones-- Odds and Ends"
>>>
>>> *Everyone loved it !!!

Funny!! Bud loved it too. DukePa must read.

OZZIE4DUKE · Post by **OZZIE4DUKE** » August 1st, 2011, 10:55 am

devildeac wrote:
Ima Facultiwyfe wrote:Cannibal walks into a Cannibal Restaurant. Sits down to look over the menu:

Tourist $5
Broiled Missionary $10
Fried Explorer $15
Baked Democrat $100
Grilled Republican $100

"Why are the politicians so expensive?" he asks the waiter.

"Have you ever tried to clean one o' them things?", he replies. "They're so full of shit it takes us all morning!"

Love, Ima
So sad.
So true.

Very good. I "borrowed" this to use on Facebook! Hope the NCAA (and the Duke Judicial board) doesn't mind...

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