Jokes

[CameronBornAndBred]

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The elderly lady calling the newspaper's circulation department loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," replied the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as the old lady muttered. . .

"Well, shit! That explains why no one was at church today."

[CameronBornAndBred]

This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The elderly lady calling the newspaper's circulation department loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," replied the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as the old lady muttered. . .

"Well, shit! That explains why no one was at church today."

[CameronBornAndBred]

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CathyCA]

'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

[devildeac]

From our church bulletin last Sunday, the Providence Baptist Church Orchestra was featured playing the traditional hymn "All Gory, Laud and Honor."

[CathyCA]

From our church bulletin last Sunday, the Providence Baptist Church Orchestra was featured playing the traditional hymn "All Gory, Laud and Honor."

[EarlJam]

Alvin pedals his new black bicycle up to his friend Teddy. Says Teddy, "Hey man, cool bike!"

Upon further inspection Fred notices some weird details about the bicycle. It has razor blades all over the frame and a rather large, rusty bayonet sticking out from the handle. "What's up with that," asks Fred.

Alvin responded, "Well, I got the bike at a discount. It can be dangerous. The razors keep cutting people that get too close to it as I pedal by. That bayonet? I've tried to remove it but I can't. I've damaged six cars and lanced some old lady with a purse in the arm. I'm having doubts about this purchase."

Incredulous, Teddy said, "Wow, really? Sounds awful!"

"Yeah," Alvin responded, ".................IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE."

[Insert Laughter]

-EarlJammanoids

[lawgrad91]

From our church bulletin last Sunday, the Providence Baptist Church Orchestra was featured playing the traditional hymn "All Gory, Laud and Honor."

Wow.

As bad as when we had a free trade coffee order form insert in our bulletin that invited us to "buy a case for our panty." Must be some granny panties in our pantRy.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.




Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.




Thought you’d wanna know

[CameronBornAndBred]

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

GRRRROAN! ;)
Love, Ima

[CathyCA]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.




Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.




Thought you’d wanna know

Thank goodness it wasn't Duke's mayonnaise.

[captmojo]

Wasn't that...STINKO de Mayo??????????????

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A couple of these had me laughing so hard I almost woke up Baby Ruth. That would NOT have been good... I advise you to put down your beverages BEFORE you read these!

The following questions were set in last year's high school GED examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

[Actually, I like some of the comments as much or more than the kids’ answers.- RJV]

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. (Sort of makes sense)



Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes (Happens)

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow (Really? Better keep an eye on that farmer)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.. (WTF????)

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (A Julius Seizure: I came, I saw, I threw a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG!!!)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I wonder how Lawgrad91 would handle this case...

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---



A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.


But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[lawgrad91]

I wonder how Lawgrad91 would handle this case...

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---



A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.


But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Thanks, Ozzie, I needed that today. PHB is driving us all nuts.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I got this in an email, hence the >>> copy marks. Too good not to share.

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure
> > > of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or
> > > > unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.
> > > "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian."
> > > >
> > > > Okay, so now enjoy!
> > >
> > > > 1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
> > > and beat you with experience.
> > > >
> > > > 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
> > > >
> > > > 3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
> > > bright until you hear them speak.
> > > >
> > > > 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. [I would only compound your error by confirming it.]
> > > >
> > > > 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
> > > >
> > > > 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
> > > >
> > > > 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting
> > > it in a fruit salad.
> > > >
> > > > 8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
> > > proceed to tell you why it isn't.
> > > >
> > > > 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
> > > many is research.
> > > >
> > > > 10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
> > > train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
> > > >
> > > > 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
> > > >
> > > > 12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In
> > > case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
> > > >
> > > > 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
> > > >
> > > > 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
> > > street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
> > > >
> > > > 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
> > > > successful man is usually another woman.
> > > >
> > > > 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
> > > >
> > > > 17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
> > > So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
> > > >
> > > > 18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
> > > parachute to skydive twice.
> > > >
> > > > 19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
> > > live with.
> > > >
> > > > 20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down
> > > so they can't get away.
> > > >
> > > > 21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
> > > >
> > > > 22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
> > > >
> > > > 23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
> > > whatever you hit the target.
> > > >
> > > > 24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
> > > >
> > > > 25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
> > > >
> > > > 26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
> > > standing in a garage makes you a car.
> > > >
> > > > 27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a
> > > way that you look forward to the trip.
> > > >
> > > > 28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you
> > > wish they were.
> > > >
> > > > 29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of
> > > lemon, and a shot of tequila.
> > > >
> > > > 30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
> > > Department usually uses water.
> > > >
> > > > Words of Wisdom "The early bird may get the worm, but the second
> > > mouse gets the cheese."

[DevilWearsPrada2.0]

Any good Anthony Weiner (NY congressman and his Weiner on Twitter) Jokes? I know the late night shows, must have good jokes!!!

Any good jokes about Johnny Edwards? I did hear on Talk Radio, where Edwards told the Fed Judge that was reading him out the charges and all....... " Yes Judge, I understand, I am an Attorney."

[DevilWearsPrada2.0]

I heard on TV, that Mrs Weiner and Mrs Bobbitt ought to get together and discuss their husbands.

Now, that everyone knows who Congressman Anthony Weiner is, he could sit beside Eliot Spitzer on CNN. Lets not forget about Arnold or Johnny Edwards. Perhaps, they should have a Panel show like The View or The Talk. Imagine the TOPICS discussed!