crazietalk.net

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:Senior Wedding



Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily--if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon. . . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

CathyCA wrote:A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily--if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon. . . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

CathyCA wrote:Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

Bet it brought tears to his!

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red -Cherry
Yellow-Lemon
Green-Lime
Orange-Orange
...Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said I'll give ya a hint: Its what your mom may call your Dad
One little girl looked up in horror,
spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

CameronBornAndBred wrote: ...Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said I'll give ya a hint: Its what your mom may call your Dad
One little girl looked up in horror,
spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:

CameronBornAndBred wrote: ...Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said I'll give ya a hint: Its what your mom may call your Dad
One little girl looked up in horror,
spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

Ditto!

I don't have a daughter, however... (again)

A young Turk brought this one home the other day:

Q: Why did Tigger go into the bathroom?
A: He was looking for Pooh!!

The middle-school Turks are going through the mandatory "Yo' mamma so fat.." phase...

for example....

"...the scale shows her phone number"
"...the scale said 'Please exit the vehicle"
ad nauseum...

Potato C.H.I.P.s...
-EarlJam

From the scout board:

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Dome
not a Tarheel was scoring, they were cold as a bone.
Their jerseys were hung in the lockers with care,
in hopes the Black Falcon soon would be there.


The players were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of Hansbrough danced in their heads.
Roy in his 'kerchief, coach McGrath in his cap,
had just settled down for a long winter's nap.


When out in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
they sprang from their bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the doorway they flew like a flash,
and spotted Will Graves there smoking some hash.



when, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
the fact that the Wear twins were no longer here.


Duke now with Irving, so lively and quick,
Roy saw the future and made himself sick.
More rapid than eagles, his lame *** team came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now Dexter! Now Larry!
Now, Reggie and Henson!
On, Leslie! On, Justin!
Prince Harry just listen!
To the top of the stairs!
To the end of the hall!
we're NIT bound if we don't play some ball!"


Roy dressed in light blue, from his head to his foot,
Knew that this team was completely kaputt.


His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the tie he had on had a long way to go.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little bit plump,
on the sidelines he looks like he's taking a dump.


He tried to smile, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know Duke had nothing to dread.


He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
he made up excuses, called ESPN jerks.


He walked to the court, to his team gave a whistle,
And noticed Hensons legs were as thin as a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, though his team has no fight,

"Happy Christmas to all, NIT, we just might!"

Jesus_hurley wrote:From the scout board:

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Dome
not a Tarheel was scoring, they were cold as a bone.
Their jerseys were hung in the lockers with care,
in hopes the Black Falcon soon would be there.


The players were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of Hansbrough danced in their heads.
Roy in his 'kerchief, coach McGrath in his cap,
had just settled down for a long winter's nap.


When out in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
they sprang from their bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the doorway they flew like a flash,
and spotted Will Graves there smoking some hash.



when, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
the fact that the Wear twins were no longer here.


Duke now with Irving, so lively and quick,
Roy saw the future and made himself sick.
More rapid than eagles, his lame *** team came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now Dexter! Now Larry!
Now, Reggie and Henson!
On, Leslie! On, Justin!
Prince Harry just listen!
To the top of the stairs!
To the end of the hall!
we're NIT bound if we don't play some ball!"


Roy dressed in light blue, from his head to his foot,
Knew that this team was completely kaputt.


His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the tie he had on had a long way to go.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little bit plump,
on the sidelines he looks like he's taking a dump.


He tried to smile, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know Duke had nothing to dread.


He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
he made up excuses, called ESPN jerks.


He walked to the court, to his team gave a whistle,
And noticed Hensons legs were as thin as a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, though his team has no fight,

"Happy Christmas to all, NIT, we just might!"

Christmas gift discussion:

Husband: What would you like for Christmas, dear?
Wife: I want something that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds or less.
Husband: Go stand on the bathroom scale.

(covers head)

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/
These is pretty funny, and get funnier as they go on. Make sure your speakers are on. No, they don't jump out at you or anything like that. They don't try to scare you, they're just cute and funny.

Why blokes should avoid a boys night out after they are married....


The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'boys.'

I told my wife that I would probably be home by midnight ....

Well, the hours passed and the beers and vodka’s went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m. , a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up

and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another

9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos

MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her

'MIDNIGHT '... she didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo

clock.'

When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed

three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its

throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then

tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Sounds familiar.



Our cuckoo used to fart.

My blackberry doesn't work. Turn on your sound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:My blackberry doesn't work. Turn on your sound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

Very cute. Sam and I enjoyed it.

CathyCA wrote:

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:My blackberry doesn't work. Turn on your sound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

Very cute. Sam and I enjoyed it.

Christian didn't?

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:

CathyCA wrote:

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:My blackberry doesn't work. Turn on your sound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

Very cute. Sam and I enjoyed it.

Christian didn't?

Christian is spending the night with a friend.

CathyCA wrote:

CathyCA wrote:

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:My blackberry doesn't work. Turn on your sound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

Very cute. Sam and I enjoyed it.

Christian didn't?

Christian is spending the night with a friend.

Ahh.