Jokes

[captmojo]

Does that mean she wanted her salad bare? You know, sans dressing?

This question might also apply to the 'Thesis' thread.

[devildeac]

An elderly couple has just finished their dinner and the husband stands up and begins to walk away from the table. His wife stops him and says, "I want some dessert." So, he starts heading to the door. She stops him and says, "I want some ice cream." He head to the door again and she says, " You had better write it down. You know how bad your memory is." He snarls at her and says, "I'll remember. We just ate dinner and you want some ice cream." She stops him again and says, " I want some chocolate syrup on it." He heads out again and she reminds him, "You had better write it down. You know how bad your memory is." He replies, "Harumph. We just ate dinner, you want dessert and it's supposed to be ice cream and chocolate syrup. I can remember that." And out the door he goes.

Three hours later, he finally returns and she yells at him, " Where have you been?' He replies, "I've been shopping. Here's you lettuce and tomato" and slams them down on the table. She yells back at him, "I told you that you should have written it down. You forgot the salad dressing!"

I think he forgot to put on any clothes.

Does that mean she wanted her salad bare? You know, sans dressing?

No, I think she wanted the ice cream and chocolate syrup.

[lawgrad91]

An elderly couple has just finished their dinner and the husband stands up and begins to walk away from the table. His wife stops him and says, "I want some dessert." So, he starts heading to the door. She stops him and says, "I want some ice cream." He head to the door again and she says, " You had better write it down. You know how bad your memory is." He snarls at her and says, "I'll remember. We just ate dinner and you want some ice cream." She stops him again and says, " I want some chocolate syrup on it." He heads out again and she reminds him, "You had better write it down. You know how bad your memory is." He replies, "Harumph. We just ate dinner, you want dessert and it's supposed to be ice cream and chocolate syrup. I can remember that." And out the door he goes.

Three hours later, he finally returns and she yells at him, " Where have you been?' He replies, "I've been shopping. Here's you lettuce and tomato" and slams them down on the table. She yells back at him, "I told you that you should have written it down. You forgot the salad dressing!"

Was he still wearing his pajamas?

I think he forgot to put on any clothes.

Where'd he put his wallet?

[devildeac]

An elderly couple has just finished their dinner and the husband stands up and begins to walk away from the table. His wife stops him and says, "I want some dessert." So, he starts heading to the door. She stops him and says, "I want some ice cream." He head to the door again and she says, " You had better write it down. You know how bad your memory is." He snarls at her and says, "I'll remember. We just ate dinner and you want some ice cream." She stops him again and says, " I want some chocolate syrup on it." He heads out again and she reminds him, "You had better write it down. You know how bad your memory is." He replies, "Harumph. We just ate dinner, you want dessert and it's supposed to be ice cream and chocolate syrup. I can remember that." And out the door he goes.

Three hours later, he finally returns and she yells at him, " Where have you been?' He replies, "I've been shopping. Here's you lettuce and tomato" and slams them down on the table. She yells back at him, "I told you that you should have written it down. You forgot the salad dressing!"

I think he forgot to put on any clothes.

Where'd he put his wallet?

He carried his credit card. But don't ask where.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Where'd he put his wallet?

He carried his credit card. But don't ask where.

Same place that damned gecko does in the commercials...

[knights68]

(seen on a tee-shirt recently)

#000000 is the new black

[OZZIE4DUKE]

The Hit Man




Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy,

so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just

shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing

perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

[lawgrad91]

The Hit Man




Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy,

so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just

shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing

perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

[CameronBornAndBred]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific "hoochie-mamma" who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[lawgrad91]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific "hoochie-mamma" who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[devildeac]

I saw one of my 90 year old patients out recently at a local restaurant with a stunning 30-something brunette. When she got up to use the restroom, I took the opportunity to chat briefly with Mr. Smith and asked him what he thought he was doing with such a young, attractive woman. He said he was just taking my advice from a recent office visit. I was puzzled so I asked him exactly what I had said that would make him think that. He said I had told him he had a "hot mama and needed to be cheerful." I shook my head and told him he needed to have his hearing aids checked or replaced because what I had REALLY said to him was that he had a heart murmur and needed to be careful.

[CameronBornAndBred]

I saw one of my 90 year old patients out recently at a local restaurant with a stunning 30-something brunette. When she got up to use the restroom, I took the opportunity to chat briefly with Mr. Smith and asked him what he thought he was doing with such a young, attractive woman. He said he was just taking my advice from a recent office visit. I was puzzled so I asked him exactly what I had said that would make him think that. He said I had told him he had a "hot mama and needed to be cheerful." I shook my head and told him he needed to have his hearing aids checked or replaced because what I had REALLY said to him was that he had a heart murmur and needed to be careful.

[lawgrad91]

I saw one of my 90 year old patients out recently at a local restaurant with a stunning 30-something brunette. When she got up to use the restroom, I took the opportunity to chat briefly with Mr. Smith and asked him what he thought he was doing with such a young, attractive woman. He said he was just taking my advice from a recent office visit. I was puzzled so I asked him exactly what I had said that would make him think that. He said I had told him he had a "hot mama and needed to be cheerful." I shook my head and told him he needed to have his hearing aids checked or replaced because what I had REALLY said to him was that he had a heart murmur and needed to be careful.

DD, that kind of advice will get you sued by the family, but at least your patient will die with a smile on his face. ;)

[OZZIE4DUKE]

My sister in law posted this on her Facebook page today. Bowser is her wiener dog.

Didn't have my camera. Cell phone too old and cheap to take pictures. So here's the description. Neighbor's front yard. Political sign in neighbor's front yard. Bowser lifting leg on political sign in neighbor's front yard. Caption reads, "Bowser voted! How about you?"

[lawgrad91]

My sister in law posted this on her Facebook page today. Bowser is her wiener dog.

Didn't have my camera. Cell phone too old and cheap to take pictures. So here's the description. Neighbor's front yard. Political sign in neighbor's front yard. Bowser lifting leg on political sign in neighbor's front yard. Caption reads, "Bowser voted! How about you?"

Oh, that is way too funny!

[captmojo]

Excellent!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, 'I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B'.
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, 'What kind of bra ?'


He repeated 'A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a
Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted.'


'Ah, now I remember,' said the saleslady. 'We don't get as many
requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the
Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'


Confused, and a little flustered, the man
asked 'So, what are the differences ?'


The saleslady responded: 'It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic bra supports the masses.

The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,
and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'


He mused on that information for a minute and said : 'Hmmm. I know
I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do ?'


'A Jewish bra,' she replied, ' makes mountains out of molehills.'

[CameronBornAndBred]

The saleslady responded: 'It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic bra supports the masses.

The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,
and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'


He mused on that information for a minute and said : 'Hmmm. I know
I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do ?'


'A Jewish bra,' she replied, ' makes mountains out of molehills.'

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Senior Wedding



Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[CathyCA]

Senior Wedding



Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

HYSTERICAL!