Jokes

captmojo · Post by **captmojo** » August 1st, 2010, 9:43 am

A scientific mindset, to be sure. I hope his effeorts are handsomely rewarded.

CameronBornAndBred · Post by **CameronBornAndBred** » August 3rd, 2010, 3:01 pm

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every
day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who
will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you
cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in
spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for
you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and
was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord,
Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks
and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that
they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who
will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations,
so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.

And Cat . . .
didn't give a shit one way or the other.

: cat.GIF (43.32 KiB) Viewed 448 times

OZZIE4DUKE · Post by **OZZIE4DUKE** » August 3rd, 2010, 5:14 pm

It's the animated picture that got me

captmojo · Post by **captmojo** » August 3rd, 2010, 6:47 pm

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:It's the animated picture that got me

Same here.

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » August 3rd, 2010, 11:15 pm

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:It's the animated picture that got me

I figured it would be the cat dander/pollen that would get you.

Ahhhh-choo!

Jesus_hurley · Post by **Jesus_hurley** » August 6th, 2010, 1:55 pm

Tow guys were at the bar and the first one said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

EarlJam · Post by **EarlJam** » August 6th, 2010, 2:00 pm

Q: What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio's face?

A: LIE you son of a bitch! LIE! LIE! LIE!

-EarlJam

Jesus_hurley · Post by **Jesus_hurley** » August 6th, 2010, 2:02 pm

Two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » August 6th, 2010, 3:01 pm

Jesus_hurley wrote:Tow guys were at the bar and the first one said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Well, she didn't see me so Ozzie must be one very happy guy now.

EarlJam · Post by **EarlJam** » August 6th, 2010, 3:11 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every
day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who
will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you
cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in
spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for
you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and
was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord,
Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks
and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that
they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who
will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations,
so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.

And Cat . . .
didn't give a shit one way or the other.

cat.GIF

I just read this. THIS is FUGGIN' HILARIOUS!

And more often than not, quite true!

-EarlJam

OZZIE4DUKE · Post by **OZZIE4DUKE** » August 6th, 2010, 3:28 pm

devildeac wrote:
Jesus_hurley wrote:Tow guys were at the bar and the first one said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Well, she didn't see me so Ozzie must be one very happy guy now.

Well, I'm always a happy guy...

CameronBornAndBred · Post by **CameronBornAndBred** » August 6th, 2010, 5:11 pm

EarlJam wrote:Q: What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio's face?

A: LIE you son of a bitch! LIE! LIE! LIE!

-EarlJam

OZZIE4DUKE · Post by **OZZIE4DUKE** » August 9th, 2010, 9:18 am

A couple of these are so appropriate for this forum! Note: the comments in ( ) are not mine.

GED test

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'
A. The cesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

CameronBornAndBred · Post by **CameronBornAndBred** » August 9th, 2010, 9:55 am

OZZIE4DUKE wrote: GED test

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

I've literally got tears running down my face, that was fukkin funny.

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » August 9th, 2010, 11:41 am

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:A couple of these are so appropriate for this forum! Note: the comments in ( ) are not mine.

GED test

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'
A. The cesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

I need to go change my Depends.

I am also sad I won't be able to buy a house now either.

lawgrad91 · Post by **lawgrad91** » August 9th, 2010, 11:48 am

devildeac wrote:I need to go change my Depends.

I am also sad I won't be able to buy a house now either.

When I saw that question about mortgage companies, DD, I thought of you and how you could have bought a house just a few short posts ago.

Does that mean PW's don't have any visible means of support, either?

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » August 9th, 2010, 12:04 pm

lawgrad91 wrote:
devildeac wrote:I need to go change my Depends.

I am also sad I won't be able to buy a house now either.
When I saw that question about mortgage companies, DD, I thought of you and how you could have bought a house just a few short posts ago.

Does that mean PW's don't have any visible means of support, either?

You will become well/endowed at 5 grand.

lawgrad91 · Post by **lawgrad91** » August 9th, 2010, 1:08 pm

Actually, I became well-endowed at 13.

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » August 14th, 2010, 6:59 am

Mrs. DD is giving a card like this to one of her friends for her 55th b-day today so I thought I'd share this joke from many years ago.

An elderly couple was just completing their pre-marital physical with their doctor and he pronounced them fit to complete their plans for their upcoming nuptials, a re-marriage for both of them after their spouses had died several years earlier. Of course, the topic of sexual relations was included in their discussion, and the gentleman asked if that would be safe for them. The doctor replied, "Yes, I believe so, but I want you to be aware that your bride-to-be has acute angina." The groom sheepishly admitted, "I know. I saw it for the first time last night."

devildeac · Post by **devildeac** » August 14th, 2010, 5:34 pm

My wife gave this card to one of her friends for her b-day today:

Jokes

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