Jokes

[captmojo]

What do you call an Amish dude, wearing mule shit, on his arm, up beyond his elbows?






















































A mechanic.

[CameronBornAndBred]

A mechanic.

[Jesus_hurley]

I usually don't forward this stuff, but this sounded serious enough to warn you guys. Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.


Scam Warning!!!
“Heads up” for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck, as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 11th, 14th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.


Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

[CameronBornAndBred]

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 11th, 14th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

I just forwarded this to two of my mailing lists. I figure those on my Brunchgate list will read it here.

[Johnboy]

I just forwarded this to two of my mailing lists. I figure those on my Brunchgate list will read it here.

I sent it to some friends, too.

Have y'all seen old jews telling jokes?

[devildeac]

I usually don't forward this stuff, but this sounded serious enough to warn you guys. Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.


Scam Warning!!!
“Heads up” for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck, as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 11th, 14th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.


Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

Dang, we passed a Lowe's on our way to the coast this weekend. Glad my wife and I didn't stop...

[CameronBornAndBred]

A woman walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
The pharmacist replies,'Yes, would you like to buy some?'
The woman says, 'No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see who else buys them?'

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A woman walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
The pharmacist replies,'Yes, would you like to buy some?'
The woman says, 'No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see who else buys them?'

[CathyCA]

A woman walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
The pharmacist replies,'Yes, would you like to buy some?'
The woman says, 'No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see who else buys them?'

[colchar]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2010! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, 'How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up?!?!

[CameronBornAndBred]

And Paddy said, 'How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up?!?!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

And Paddy said, 'How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up?!?!

[devildeac]

A newlywed couple were just starting their honeymoon and preparing to consummate their marriage. As the nervous groom removed his shoes and socks, his eager bride noticed his gnarled, misshapen feet and toes and asked him what had happened. He told her he had toelio when he was a youngster. She looked at him quizzically and asked if meant polio but he was quite sure he had a case of toelio.

As he removed his pants, she couldn't take her eyes off of his knobby knees and asked him what had happened there and he replied that he had contracted a bad case of the kneesles when he was a child, also. She tried to correct him and tell him it was called measles, but, once again he was quite emphatic and insisted it was the kneesles.

Finally, as they each removed their last impediments to their celebration, she her peignoir, and he his boxers, she looked at his manhood and dead-panned, "Wait, let me guess, smallcox."

[Jesus_hurley]

A newlywed couple were just starting their honeymoon and preparing to consummate their marriage. As the nervous groom removed his shoes and socks, his eager bride noticed his gnarled, misshapen feet and toes and asked him what had happened. He told her he had toelio when he was a youngster. She looked at him quizzically and asked if meant polio but he was quite sure he had a case of toelio.

As he removed his pants, she couldn't take her eyes off of his knobby knees and asked him what had happened there and he replied that he had contracted a bad case of the kneesles when he was a child, also. She tried to correct him and tell him it was called measles, but, once again he was quite emphatic and insisted it was the kneesles.

Finally, as they each removed their last impediments to their celebration, she her peignoir, and he his boxers, she looked at his manhood and dead-panned, "Wait, let me guess, smallcox."

CB&B - I remember your Dad telling this one

[CameronBornAndBred]

A newlywed couple were just starting their honeymoon and preparing to consummate their marriage. As the nervous groom removed his shoes and socks, his eager bride noticed his gnarled, misshapen feet and toes and asked him what had happened. He told her he had toelio when he was a youngster. She looked at him quizzically and asked if meant polio but he was quite sure he had a case of toelio.

As he removed his pants, she couldn't take her eyes off of his knobby knees and asked him what had happened there and he replied that he had contracted a bad case of the kneesles when he was a child, also. She tried to correct him and tell him it was called measles, but, once again he was quite emphatic and insisted it was the kneesles.

Finally, as they each removed their last impediments to their celebration, she her peignoir, and he his boxers, she looked at his manhood and dead-panned, "Wait, let me guess, smallcox."

CB&B - I remember your Dad telling this one

HA!

[captmojo]

Good ones, both!

[OZZIE4DUKE]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a
difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by
the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to
take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:




QUOTE FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of
the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do
it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

[CameronBornAndBred]

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of
the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do
it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

To Harold!

[lawgrad91]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a
difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by
the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to
take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:




QUOTE FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of
the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do
it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

To Harold!