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Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 11:14 am
by lawgrad91
CathyCA wrote:Yesterday, Jon officiated a wedding in the middle of nowhere in Moore County, North Carolina.
After Jon began the, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the marriage of this man to this woman. . . " an old guy with a military haircut wearing a red sweater vest (in August!) walked down the center aisle of the church and said, "I'm a prophet, and the Lord told me that she is marrying the wrong man."
Jon looked up at him and said, "Well the Lord did not tell me that, so I’m going need you to sit down, sir, or you can be excused!" The man sat down quietly on front row the rest of the service and did not utter another word.
Fun times, I tell you. There is never a dull moment in our lives.
Wow. Just wow.
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: September 27th, 2018, 9:32 am
by lawgrad91
An obituary in the Martinsville Bulletin today states, “On Monday, September 24, God called and chose an ANGLE from the earth.”
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: September 27th, 2018, 12:05 pm
by IowaDevil
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: September 27th, 2018, 6:35 pm
by OZZIE4DUKE
lawgrad91 wrote:An obituary in the Martinsville Bulletin today states, “On Monday, September 24, God called and chose an ANGLE from the earth.”
Right, acute or obtuse?
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: September 27th, 2018, 7:42 pm
by YmoBeThere
OZZIE4DUKE wrote:lawgrad91 wrote:An obituary in the Martinsville Bulletin today states, “On Monday, September 24, God called and chose an ANGLE from the earth.”
Right, acute or obtuse?
Straight?
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: September 28th, 2018, 9:44 am
by CathyCA
lawgrad91 wrote:An obituary in the Martinsville Bulletin today states, “On Monday, September 24, God called and chose an ANGLE from the earth.”
He died in a car crash. He was a rectangle.
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: September 29th, 2018, 6:37 am
by OZZIE4DUKE
CathyCA wrote:lawgrad91 wrote:An obituary in the Martinsville Bulletin today states, “On Monday, September 24, God called and chose an ANGLE from the earth.”
He died in a car crash. He was a rectangle.
Wouldn’t that be a wrecktangle?
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 4th, 2018, 3:26 pm
by lawgrad91
I am absolutely certain none of you will ever have this issue, but I will put it out there anyway.
When (an African-American) loss prevention officer asks a thief for his identification, said thief is best off not giving the loss prevention officer his KKK membership card.
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 5th, 2018, 7:10 am
by OZZIE4DUKE
lawgrad91 wrote:I am absolutely certain none of you will ever have this issue, but I will put it out there anyway.
When (an African-American) loss prevention officer asks a thief for his identification, said thief is best off not giving the loss prevention officer his KKK membership card.
Oh, my. Bless his stupid racist heart.
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 5th, 2018, 9:47 am
by CathyCA
lawgrad91 wrote:I am absolutely certain none of you will ever have this issue, but I will put it out there anyway.
When (an African-American) loss prevention officer asks a thief for his identification, said thief is best off not giving the loss prevention officer his KKK membership card.
I sincerely hope that the defendant follows his attorney's advice to take a plea. This will not look good in front of a jury.
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 5th, 2018, 11:04 am
by IowaDevil
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 6th, 2018, 6:58 am
by shereec
One lady thought it was a good idea to bring a 12-pack of O'Douls to the office pot luck lunch and then tried to explain herself by saying she thought it was ginger ale...
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 6th, 2018, 9:19 am
by CathyCA
shereec wrote:One lady thought it was a good idea to bring a 12-pack of O'Douls to the office pot luck lunch and then tried to explain herself by saying she thought it was ginger ale...
She might have been more popular if she'd brought real beer instead of near beer to the potluck.
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 10th, 2018, 12:46 pm
by lawgrad91
Defense witness testifying in a DUI case this morning:
Coworker Awbrey: Did (defendant) have any injuries after the wreck?
Witness: He hurt his elbow.
Coworker Awbrey: Which elbow?
Witness: Um, it was either his left or his right, I'm not sure. One or the other though.
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 15th, 2018, 11:13 am
by CathyCA
lawgrad91 wrote:Defense witness testifying in a DUI case this morning:
Coworker Awbrey: Did (defendant) have any injuries after the wreck?
Witness: He hurt his elbow.
Coworker Awbrey: Which elbow?
Witness: Um, it was either his left or his right, I'm not sure. One or the other though.
This sounds like one of those funny emails about courtroom testimony. Except this one is TRUE.
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 15th, 2018, 12:43 pm
by OZZIE4DUKE
CathyCA wrote:lawgrad91 wrote:Defense witness testifying in a DUI case this morning:
Coworker Awbrey: Did (defendant) have any injuries after the wreck?
Witness: He hurt his elbow.
Coworker Awbrey: Which elbow?
Witness: Um, it was either his left or his right, I'm not sure. One or the other though.
This sounds like one of those funny emails about courtroom testimony. Except this one is TRUE.
Dr. Bonk’s chem makeup final exam. Question 2. Which tire?
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 15th, 2018, 1:36 pm
by lawgrad91
CathyCA wrote:lawgrad91 wrote:Defense witness testifying in a DUI case this morning:
Coworker Awbrey: Did (defendant) have any injuries after the wreck?
Witness: He hurt his elbow.
Coworker Awbrey: Which elbow?
Witness: Um, it was either his left or his right, I'm not sure. One or the other though.
This sounds like one of those funny emails about courtroom testimony. Except this one is TRUE.
Yes. I was playing the trooper's bodycam for Awbrey. She didn't even hear the bonehead say this, but the head bailiff and I broke our necks eye-rolling.
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 15th, 2018, 1:38 pm
by lawgrad91
This morning's rocket scientist was stopped for not having any license plates on his vehicle.
He told the trooper he had them, but he didn't know where he could get screws.
In the Varnish Zone, there are probably 20 auto parts stores. There is a Walmart. There is a Lowe's. There is a Tractor Supply.
There are even persons of the evening available for a price which gets lower as the evening goes along.
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 16th, 2018, 8:07 pm
by devildeac
Re: You can't make this stuff up!
Posted: October 25th, 2018, 1:54 pm
by lawgrad91
A man. A horse.
I guess the horse isn't old enough to consent, or maybe she said "neigh."
