Things I Lost in the Divorce

[CathyCA]

In case I haven't mentioned it previously, ExLax sounds like a complete douchebag. He was completely petty in the list of items that he kept.

You know what? It's just STUFF, and it can all be replaced. Even the kids' "Watch Me Grow" paintings, if I were to put forth the effort, could be replaced.

It's just that from time to time, I go looking for something and can't find it and realize that it's not mine any more.

Glass platters, for instance. I can't find 3 glass platters. I think he's got them.

A very wise attitude, and an attitude that trumps the pettiness shown by ExLax in keeping things that have worth to you just because he can (purely a guess on my part).

When I grow up, I want to be like you.

Thank you, AD.

[CathyCA]

I can tell you what my wife GOT in the divorce... a broken down Nissan Sentra that lasted about a year, and $14K in debt that HE had accumulated before and during the marriage. She basically bought her divorce by taking on the debt, a LARGE chunk of which was two cars he kept and a full set of mechanics' tools with rolling chest that he bought to go to vocational school, which he never finished.

Wow. Just. Wow. Sounds like another ExLax.

ExLax got both cars. I left my 11 year old broken-down minivan in California. It wasn't worth the cost to ship it back to North Carolina. He had to get rid of it. Serves him right. He had 3 new cars to my one car while we were in California.

[CathyCA]

I've tried to remember what I lost in the divorce.

In retrospect, it's interesting that he didn't want to take many things, but he did want to divide up the debt.... The Heathen didn't reveal the extent of the equity he had in the law firm even though he was able to put that money in because I was paying for virtually everything else including the taxes due on his income... discovered that when I began to file as single, not married. Probably the most significant thing I lost was trust and confidence in my judgment regarding men and their motives.

Anyway, that was a long time ago. He's paid for his life style with three failed marriages and dying from lung cancer (which progressed to brain cancer) because he wouldn't quit smoking. He moved to Europe to escape some entanglements with federal law related to some of his financial activities as well as financial activities of some clients, the ones in the dark shirts with white ties. He couldn't come back to the US because of some significant legal problems.

According to Social Security, I am a widow and qualify for benefits based on his earnings. That eligibility has provided me an option to improve my retirement benefits. Some of my friends say that it's a late payment for all the terrible things he did while we were together.

I'm glad that things have turned out well for you.

It's interesting what you learn from the IRS post-divorce, isn't it?

[CathyCA]

I am once reminded that the smartest thing I ever did with regard to WindsorsDaughters' father is NOT marry him. When enough was enough I loaded up MY car with MY stuff , sold MY house and got the hell out of dodge...with MY daughter

Smart move, Windsor!

The main thing I lost in the divorce, in retrospect, was a feeling that things in my life just weren't right. I remember going out in my yard, looking over my cow pasture and my neighbor's cows, and thinking, "Why am I not happy? What is wrong in my life?" I had a good job, was halfway through paying for my house and 4 acres of land, owed nothing except for a mortgage, had good friends and a nice church where I was well-respected, but there was a big, big hole in my life.

And while it's true you can't buy happiness, you can certainly pay off unhappiness! Somehow he got $10,000 of equity for a house not in his name, that he didn't pay a cent for (or pay a cent toward bills for), plus a truck that he didn't pay a cent for, plus china and flatware (I can't remember the patterns, but they weren't very manly) and a KitchenAid mixer, and it was a good bargain.

You would not believe the questions I have asked myself over the past 3 years, nor would you believe the doubts, the fears, the frustrations, the second-guessing I have experienced. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. I keep wondering why I didn't get the happily ever after I had worked so hard to achieve.

[CathyCA]

Living well IS the best revenge! Sounds like you are all living very well, indeed.

I've gone blow by blow through this with several of my friends. They've ALL come out better off.

Funny story: During one of my friend's most chaotic times, the OP and another friend's husband went to help the separating husband move out of the house and into his apartment, a very sobering and unpleasant experience. They both came home to us with new appreciations of their stable, comfy homes. Bearing gifts of roses and wine, they pleaded "Can we PLEASE keep living here?" (Bless their hearts.)

Love, Ima

I will be better off eventually. I know that. I'm working on it.

[CathyCA]

Living well IS the best revenge! Sounds like you are all living very well, indeed.

I've gone blow by blow through this with several of my friends. They've ALL come out better off.

Funny story: During one of my friend's most chaotic times, the OP and another friend's husband went to help the separating husband move out of the house and into his apartment, a very sobering and unpleasant experience. They both came home to us with new appreciations of their stable, comfy homes. Bearing gifts of roses and wine, they pleaded "Can we PLEASE keep living here?" (Bless their hearts.)

Love, Ima

Very intelligent lads, to be sure!

Glad I didn't see any answers like, 'dignity' or 'hope' or 'vitality' and such.
Never been there. I still have everything...really. We never get rid of ANYTHING!!!!!!! DAMMIT!

Anybody need some pillows? They aren't for sleeping on, just for lookin' at.
Yard sale season is over for this year. Again...DAMMIT!

Things he can't take away from me: my education, my dignity, my faith and my hope. And the kids.

[windsor]

I am once reminded that the smartest thing I ever did with regard to WindsorsDaughters' father is NOT marry him. When enough was enough I loaded up MY car with MY stuff , sold MY house and got the hell out of dodge...with MY daughter

Smart move, Windsor!

The main thing I lost in the divorce, in retrospect, was a feeling that things in my life just weren't right. I remember going out in my yard, looking over my cow pasture and my neighbor's cows, and thinking, "Why am I not happy? What is wrong in my life?" I had a good job, was halfway through paying for my house and 4 acres of land, owed nothing except for a mortgage, had good friends and a nice church where I was well-respected, but there was a big, big hole in my life.

And while it's true you can't buy happiness, you can certainly pay off unhappiness! Somehow he got $10,000 of equity for a house not in his name, that he didn't pay a cent for (or pay a cent toward bills for), plus a truck that he didn't pay a cent for, plus china and flatware (I can't remember the patterns, but they weren't very manly) and a KitchenAid mixer, and it was a good bargain.

You would not believe the questions I have asked myself over the past 3 years, nor would you believe the doubts, the fears, the frustrations, the second-guessing I have experienced. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. I keep wondering why I didn't get the happily ever after I had worked so hard to achieve.

What's wrong with you?? Not a damn thing. You made a poor choice in Man Selection. Welcome to the club. A girl doesn't earn her stripes until she does.

You're your own happily ever girl.

[Devil in the Blue Dress]

I've tried to remember what I lost in the divorce.

In retrospect, it's interesting that he didn't want to take many things, but he did want to divide up the debt.... The Heathen didn't reveal the extent of the equity he had in the law firm even though he was able to put that money in because I was paying for virtually everything else including the taxes due on his income... discovered that when I began to file as single, not married. Probably the most significant thing I lost was trust and confidence in my judgment regarding men and their motives.

Anyway, that was a long time ago. He's paid for his life style with three failed marriages and dying from lung cancer (which progressed to brain cancer) because he wouldn't quit smoking. He moved to Europe to escape some entanglements with federal law related to some of his financial activities as well as financial activities of some clients, the ones in the dark shirts with white ties. He couldn't come back to the US because of some significant legal problems.

According to Social Security, I am a widow and qualify for benefits based on his earnings. That eligibility has provided me an option to improve my retirement benefits. Some of my friends say that it's a late payment for all the terrible things he did while we were together.

I'm glad that things have turned out well for you.

It's interesting what you learn from the IRS post-divorce, isn't it?

What's improved since the divorce, I worked to make it that way. It's still a work in progress.

[Devil in the Blue Dress]

I am once reminded that the smartest thing I ever did with regard to WindsorsDaughters' father is NOT marry him. When enough was enough I loaded up MY car with MY stuff , sold MY house and got the hell out of dodge...with MY daughter

Smart move, Windsor!

The main thing I lost in the divorce, in retrospect, was a feeling that things in my life just weren't right. I remember going out in my yard, looking over my cow pasture and my neighbor's cows, and thinking, "Why am I not happy? What is wrong in my life?" I had a good job, was halfway through paying for my house and 4 acres of land, owed nothing except for a mortgage, had good friends and a nice church where I was well-respected, but there was a big, big hole in my life.

And while it's true you can't buy happiness, you can certainly pay off unhappiness! Somehow he got $10,000 of equity for a house not in his name, that he didn't pay a cent for (or pay a cent toward bills for), plus a truck that he didn't pay a cent for, plus china and flatware (I can't remember the patterns, but they weren't very manly) and a KitchenAid mixer, and it was a good bargain.

You would not believe the questions I have asked myself over the past 3 years, nor would you believe the doubts, the fears, the frustrations, the second-guessing I have experienced. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. I keep wondering why I didn't get the happily ever after I had worked so hard to achieve.

Oh yes, I would! I still confront those same questions, just not as often. His death was a sobering event. I was not prepared for how I felt when I learned of his passing.

I'm a survivor, just as you are. I focus on the positive and on what I have some control over and keep moving.

[CathyCA]

What's wrong with you?? Not a damn thing. You made a poor choice in Man Selection. Welcome to the club. A girl doesn't earn her stripes until she does.

You're your own happily ever girl.

You are the best big sis!

[devildeac]

Interesting that almost all the comments are from the female side/perspective of the topic. I'd be curious for some of the guys to share their personal stories (within reason, of course), or those of their father or brother who went through a divorce. Not cause I want to see a fight here, just to hear the male perspective, too.

[CathyCA]

Interesting that almost all the comments are from the female side/perspective of the topic. I'd be curious for some of the guys to share their personal stories (within reason, of course), or those of their father or brother who went through a divorce. Not cause I want to see a fight here, just to hear the male perspective, too.

One of my former clients once said, "The next time I decide to get married, I'm just going to find a woman I hate and buy her a house."

[windsor]

Interesting that almost all the comments are from the female side/perspective of the topic. I'd be curious for some of the guys to share their personal stories (within reason, of course), or those of their father or brother who went through a divorce. Not cause I want to see a fight here, just to hear the male perspective, too.

My husband pretty much let his ex have everything except some personal belongings and clothes - house, furnishings the newer car etc primarily because the children would be living with her and he did not want to disrupt their lives any more than he had to. It was, as divorces go, fairly friendly. They married very young and were just the wrong people for each other. He doesn't think he got screwed, as he puts it "I didn't give my ex the house...I gave my kids the house".

I have a friend who divorced her husband of 25+ years - and she set out from the beginning to f him over as much as humanly possible....she fought tooth and nail for two paintings she HATED - just because he wanted them. She got them, and promptly threw them out. It took 4 years for them to finally get divorced and the only winners were the lawyers.

[devildeac]

Interesting that almost all the comments are from the female side/perspective of the topic. I'd be curious for some of the guys to share their personal stories (within reason, of course), or those of their father or brother who went through a divorce. Not cause I want to see a fight here, just to hear the male perspective, too.

One of my former clients once said, "The next time I decide to get married, I'm just going to find a woman I hate and buy her a house."

I heard the exact same thing today from one of my colleagues who gave that advise to one of his partners about 5 years ago as he started his 3rd marriage. I don't know whether to or at that statement.

[windsor]

Willie Nelson:
I'm not going to get married again, I think I'll just find a woman that hates me, then buy her a house.

[lawgrad91]

You would not believe the questions I have asked myself over the past 3 years, nor would you believe the doubts, the fears, the frustrations, the second-guessing I have experienced. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. I keep wondering why I didn't get the happily ever after I had worked so hard to achieve.

I think all of us who have been at that crossroads have thought the same thing.

The happily ever after IS a work in progress, but you (we!) are all getting there.

[CameronBornAndBred]

Neither of us lost anything except each other.

[ArkieDukie]

I can tell you what my wife GOT in the divorce... a broken down Nissan Sentra that lasted about a year, and $14K in debt that HE had accumulated before and during the marriage. She basically bought her divorce by taking on the debt, a LARGE chunk of which was two cars he kept and a full set of mechanics' tools with rolling chest that he bought to go to vocational school, which he never finished.

Wow. Just. Wow. Sounds like another ExLax.

ExLax got both cars. I left my 11 year old broken-down minivan in California. It wasn't worth the cost to ship it back to North Carolina. He had to get rid of it. Serves him right. He had 3 new cars to my one car while we were in California.

Wait; have I mentioned before that ExLax sounds like a total douchebag?

[bjornolf]

I can tell you what my wife GOT in the divorce... a broken down Nissan Sentra that lasted about a year, and $14K in debt that HE had accumulated before and during the marriage. She basically bought her divorce by taking on the debt, a LARGE chunk of which was two cars he kept and a full set of mechanics' tools with rolling chest that he bought to go to vocational school, which he never finished.

Do you all use the tools?

Um, no, he kept the tools and rolling tool chest. She left the tools with their leader, the biggest tool of them all.

[CathyCA]

Wait; have I mentioned before that ExLax sounds like a total douchebag?

Come to think of it, you might have mentioned that! ;)