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Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Posted: February 25th, 2010, 12:45 pm
by devildeac
Last week, I saw one of my 90 year old patients out at a local restaurant with a stunning 30-something brunette. When she went to the ladies room, I had the chance to speak to him and complimented him on his choice of women but also asked him what the heck he was doing. He replied, "I'm just taking your advice, Doc."

I asked, "what do you mean 'taking my advice'?"
He replied, "remember the last time I was in your office you told me about a hot mama and being cheerful? Well, I am just following doctor's orders."
After pausing a moment to recall my prior conversation with him, I replied, "Mr. Smith, I am afraid you need to have your hearing aids checked or adjusted. What I told you was that you have a heart murmur and need to be careful. :D

Re: Jokes

Posted: February 25th, 2010, 1:28 pm
by CameronBornAndBred
devildeac wrote: What I told you was that you have a heart murmur and need to be careful. :D
=)) =)) =))

Re: Jokes

Posted: February 25th, 2010, 2:32 pm
by Very Duke Blue
devildeac wrote:Last week, I saw one of my 90 year old patients out at a local restaurant with a stunning 30-something brunette. When she went to the ladies room, I had the chance to speak to him and complimented him on his choice of women but also asked him what the heck he was doing. He replied, "I'm just taking your advice, Doc."

I asked, "what do you mean 'taking my advice'?"
He replied, "remember the last time I was in your office you told me about a hot mama and being cheerful? Well, I am just following doctor's orders."
After pausing a moment to recall my prior conversation with him, I replied, "Mr. Smith, I am afraid you need to have your hearing aids checked or adjusted. What I told you was that you have a heart murmur and need to be careful. :D
=)) =)) :D

Re: Jokes

Posted: February 25th, 2010, 2:48 pm
by DukieInKansas
New joke: Carolina's Basketball season this year


























That's it - just their season. It makes me chuckle! :D

Re: Jokes

Posted: February 25th, 2010, 5:41 pm
by CameronBornAndBred
DukieInKansas wrote:
That's it - just their season. It makes me chuckle! :D
:)) :)) :)) :)) :))

Re: Jokes

Posted: February 25th, 2010, 6:48 pm
by EarlJam
"We can still make the NCAA tournament guys! Let's go!"
Roy.jpg
Roy.jpg (11.79 KiB) Viewed 508 times
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

-EarlJam

Re: Jokes

Posted: February 25th, 2010, 6:51 pm
by devildeac
A city guy decides he has had it with city life, and so when his great uncle dies and wills this guy a farm, the city dude sees this as the perfect opportunity to take up farming. So he visits the farm located in Connecticut and stops by the local FRIENDLY FARM & GARDEN SUPPLY store…



Now this city dude tells the clerk his predicament. He has inherited a farm and would like to make a go of it; however, he admits to knowing “nutt’n” concerning farming.

And so he humbly asks the clerk’s advice --- what would he suggest. The clerk tells the dude that the market for chickens is very good and so he advises the man to buy a hundred baby chicks to get the farm up and running.



A week later the city dude returns to this store and asks to buy another hundred baby chicks. Of course the clerk thinks nothing about this and imagines that the city dude is doing well for himself…

Another few weeks pass, and the dude is back at the dealers for another hundred baby chicks. The clerk of course begs to ask if anything is wrong…

“You’ve been back here twice and keep buying one hundred baby chicks!” To which the city dude’s response was, “I think I know where I'm going wrong" he told the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep or not far enough apart."

Re: Jokes

Posted: February 25th, 2010, 6:55 pm
by EarlJam
devildeac wrote:A city guy decides he has had it with city life, and so when his great uncle dies and wills this guy a farm, the city dude sees this as the perfect opportunity to take up farming. So he visits the farm located in Connecticut and stops by the local FRIENDLY FARM & GARDEN SUPPLY store…



Now this city dude tells the clerk his predicament. He has inherited a farm and would like to make a go of it; however, he admits to knowing “nutt’n” concerning farming.

And so he humbly asks the clerk’s advice --- what would he suggest. The clerk tells the dude that the market for chickens is very good and so he advises the man to buy a hundred baby chicks to get the farm up and running.



A week later the city dude returns to this store and asks to buy another hundred baby chicks. Of course the clerk thinks nothing about this and imagines that the city dude is doing well for himself…

Another few weeks pass, and the dude is back at the dealers for another hundred baby chicks. The clerk of course begs to ask if anything is wrong…

“You’ve been back here twice and keep buying one hundred baby chicks!” To which the city dude’s response was, “I think I know where I'm going wrong" he told the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep or not far enough apart."
Excellent! =)) =)) =))

Re: Jokes

Posted: February 27th, 2010, 6:33 pm
by Native
UNC Jokes!

Why doesn't the UNC basketball team have a website?
A: Because they can't put up three W's in a row.

How do they separate the men from the boys at Carolina?
A: With a crowbar.

How many Roy Williamses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him. \

How many UNC students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, that's a sophomore course at UNC.

Why don't they celebrate Christmas at UNC?
A: Because you can't find a virgin or three wise men.

A Carolina grad asked another, "Do you know what the N stands for in UNC?"
A: The other grad replied, "Sure do! Knowledge."

What's the difference between a Duke student and a Carolina student?
A: Only one got into Duke.

What do you call thirty UNC fans in a basement?
A: A whine cellar.

What's the difference between a UNC fan and a puppy?
A: The puppy will eventually stop whining.

How many UNC freshmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, that's a sophomore course at UNC.

How do you get a Carolina graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

How do you get Carolina football fans out of your backyard?
A: Paint it like an endzone.

Did you hear that Coach Williams is only dressing seven players for this year's team?
A: The rest have finally learned to dress themselves.

How do you fit four UNC fans on a barstool?
A: Turn it over.

What do you call three beautiful women in Chapel Hill?
A: Lost.

It was graduation day at UNC, and the professors were giving out the degrees. The crowd started chanting Bubba, Bubba, Bubba! The president of the University asked, "Who's Bubba?" Bubba was a guy who's been at the Dump on the Hump for twenty years, and hasn't graduated. The professor called Bubba up and told him that if he can answer one question, he would graduate. He asked him, "What is 4+4?" "8," Bubba said. "Boo!" the crowd roared. "Give him another chance, give him another chance!"

Re: Jokes

Posted: February 27th, 2010, 6:38 pm
by OZZIE4DUKE
=)) =)) =)) =))

Re: Jokes

Posted: February 27th, 2010, 6:52 pm
by Very Duke Blue
EarlJam wrote:"We can still make the NCAA tournament guys! Let's go!"
Roy.jpg
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

-EarlJam
karowina going: :obscene-moneypiss: =)) =)) =)) =))

Articles from around the US and the world....

Posted: March 2nd, 2010, 1:17 pm
by knights68
For maximum street cred, engaging in a high-speed chase with cops is okay. Doing it in a pink Mercury with Hello Kitty vanity plates...not so much:
http://bit.ly/cDHKVB

Some of the oddest book titles of 2009 are "Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter," "The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease," and "What Kind of Bean is This Chichuahua"
http://bit.ly/cc4rxF

If Mythbuster Grant Imahara gets 100,000 followers on Twitter he will build Craig Ferguson a Robot Skeleton Sidekick, and he's only 8,000 away. Perhaps Fark could help make this a reality
http://twitter.com/grantimahara

Awesome works of art made from stuff on your desk. I believe Baptiste Debombourg has my stapler
http://bit.ly/d3kp8M


That Chilean earthquake likely shifted the earth on its axis.
http://bit.ly/cEKa1z

Have disposable income and don't know the best way to spend it? How about some cashmere toilet paper?
http://bit.ly/deggMs

Bad: You get in a car accident .
Worse: you knock down a power line.
A piss-poor ending: you piss on a live wire and electrocute yourself
http://bit.ly/aHkPR3

Re: Jokes

Posted: March 6th, 2010, 8:12 am
by devildeac
Dumb as a fox



A young boy entered a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”



The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”



Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!

Re: Jokes

Posted: March 6th, 2010, 8:13 am
by devildeac
Speaking of games



It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

Re: Jokes

Posted: March 6th, 2010, 1:36 pm
by cl15876
devildeac wrote:Dumb as a fox



A young boy entered a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”



The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”



Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!
:)) :)) :)) I like this one! :)) :)) :))

Re: Jokes

Posted: March 6th, 2010, 1:37 pm
by cl15876
devildeac wrote:Speaking of games



It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
This one is familiar! :)) :)) :)) :))

Re: Jokes

Posted: March 12th, 2010, 11:04 pm
by devildeac
An oldie but goodie:

A police officer saw a little boy crying near East Campus.


“What’s the matter little boy. Do you want me to take you to your mama?”


“No,” sobbed the boy, “my mama beats me.”


“Well how about your daddy?” the officer persisted.


“No,” the boy said, “he beats me too.”


“Well,” the officer said, “I can’t leave you out here by yourself, I have to take you somewhere.”


“Then take me over to Chapel Hill,” the boy said, “they don’t beat anybody.”

Heard this many a time, most recently on one of the Main Page features of DBR.

:ymdevil: :ymdevil:

Re: Jokes

Posted: March 12th, 2010, 11:12 pm
by Very Duke Blue
devildeac wrote:An oldie but goodie:

A police officer saw a little boy crying near East Campus.


“What’s the matter little boy. Do you want me to take you to your mama?”


“No,” sobbed the boy, “my mama beats me.”


“Well how about your daddy?” the officer persisted.


“No,” the boy said, “he beats me too.”

A new one for me. :)) :)) :)) :))


“Well,” the officer said, “I can’t leave you out here by yourself, I have to take you somewhere.”


“Then take me over to Chapel Hill,” the boy said, “they don’t beat anybody.”

Heard this many a time, most recently on one of the Main Page features of DBR.

:ymdevil: :ymdevil:

Re: Jokes

Posted: March 13th, 2010, 7:36 am
by devildeac
:D

FOUR DOGS

Four men were bragging about how smart their
dogs were. The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his dog,
"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some
paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,
and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned
with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his
dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of
milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said, "What can your mutt do?"
The Government Employee called his dog and said,
"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,
ate the cookies,
drank the milk,
pooped on the paper,
humped the other three dogs,
claimed he injured his back while so doing,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Workers Compensation, and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

Re: Jokes

Posted: March 13th, 2010, 7:43 am
by CameronBornAndBred
devildeac wrote: went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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