Jokes

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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » January 26th, 2010, 7:06 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
windsor wrote:A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
DD's stealing your jokes!!!
OOPS. Sorry. Perhaps a 5 minute major penalty for "unnecessary post duplication" or "illegal use of the keyboard" in addition to a post deletion would be appropriate punishment. :ymblushing:
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » January 26th, 2010, 7:59 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
windsor wrote:A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
DD's stealing your jokes!!!
LOL - he has been on call way toooo long!!!! Give that man a beer! :)) :)) :)) :))
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OZZIE4DUKE
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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » January 26th, 2010, 8:58 pm

devildeac wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:
windsor wrote:A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
DD's stealing your jokes!!!
OOPS. Sorry. Perhaps a 5 minute major penalty for "unnecessary post duplication" or "illegal use of the keyboard" in addition to a post deletion would be appropriate punishment. :ymblushing:
You're asking for a post deletion? You? Will someone call another doctor (or at least a nurse, Mrs. DD will do fine) and take his pulse and make sure DD has one! :D

Be careful of what you ask for... :))
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Re: Jokes

Post by Jesus_hurley » January 26th, 2010, 9:07 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
windsor wrote:A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
DD's stealing your jokes!!!
Windsor may need a lawyer. None on this board right? ;)
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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » January 26th, 2010, 11:23 pm

Jesus_hurley wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:
windsor wrote:A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
DD's stealing your jokes!!!
Windsor may need a lawyer. None on this board right? ;)
Cathy and rmd are attorneys.
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » January 27th, 2010, 5:10 pm

Blonde Password:

During a recent password audit, it was found
that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that
it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Your paradigm of optimism

:9f: :9f: Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell! :9f: :9f:
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » January 27th, 2010, 5:40 pm

OZZIE4DUKE wrote: When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that
it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
=))
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Re: Jokes

Post by bjornolf » January 27th, 2010, 6:41 pm

wilson wrote:A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel crammed down the front of his pants.
Bartender says, "Excuse me sir, but do you know that you have a ship's wheel in your pants?"
Pirate says, "Yarrrr...it's drivin' me nuts."
:Pirate: :AR! 8-|

Didn't I put that joke on the first page of this thread?

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Re: Jokes

Post by DukieInKansas » January 27th, 2010, 6:46 pm

bjornolf wrote:
wilson wrote:A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel crammed down the front of his pants.
Bartender says, "Excuse me sir, but do you know that you have a ship's wheel in your pants?"
Pirate says, "Yarrrr...it's drivin' me nuts."
:Pirate: :AR! 8-|

Didn't I put that joke on the first page of this thread?

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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » January 27th, 2010, 6:55 pm

DukieInKansas wrote:
bjornolf wrote:
wilson wrote:A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel crammed down the front of his pants.
Bartender says, "Excuse me sir, but do you know that you have a ship's wheel in your pants?"
Pirate says, "Yarrrr...it's drivin' me nuts."
:Pirate: :AR! 8-|

Didn't I put that joke on the first page of this thread?

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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » February 5th, 2010, 10:41 pm

For you folks living in the NE who are getting hammered again:

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

February 5

5:00 PM. It started to snow. The first real snow accumulation of the New Year and the wife and I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. Oh, how I love snow!



February 6

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? I shoveled with my son Eric and felt like a kid again. We did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. Eric and I had a snow fight. He’s pretty good, but his old dad has some extra years of experience on him. What a perfect life.



February 7

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry. He expects so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Kurt is such a nice guy, I'm glad he's our neighbor.



February 8

Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!



The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

I’m feeling my muscles tightening up already.



February 9

20 inches forecast. Sold the sedan and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.



The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We live in Mount Holly -------- not in Alaska, after all.



February 10

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. Heidi laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel. Eric and I played Chess several times this evening. Eric seems to be getting so much better with every game. Still cannot beat his old dad though.



February 11

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Played chess…



Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. Played chess with Eric by candlelight. The kid actually won a game or two.



February 12

Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Eric ran off with his friends, says shoveling bores him, besides, he said he and his friends are too busy playing hockey.



I think Eric is getting lazy. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Kurt says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.



February 13

Kurt was right because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to take a dump. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Kurt who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think that he is just being a jerk…



February 14

Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 28. The wife wanted to know what I got her for Valentine’s Day. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she remind me about that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. I said how about a snow shovel. She says, “How about you sleep on the couch tonight.” Eric wants to beat me a chess, again…



February 15

6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Freak’n jerk!



Tonight the wife wanted some --- well, you know, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow. I told Eric exactly what he could do with that chess board… I guess a 14 year old kid has to grow up sometime.



February 16

20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a real pain. If I have to watch “Titanic” one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



February 17

Still snowed in... Why the heck did I ever move to Mt. Holly? It was all HER idea. She's

really getting on my nerves.



February 18

Temperature dropped to 8 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes. I had a visit from DYFS today. They said I was reported making my son shovel snow day & night. I told them that Kurt just better mind his own damned business if he knew what was good for him. They said I was reported by someone named Eric…………



February 19

Warmed up to above the teens. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!



February 20

10 more inches. Kurt says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?



February 21

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife took Eric and went to her parent’s in Virginia ---- 9" predicted.



February 22

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.



February 23

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » February 5th, 2010, 10:45 pm

Ha..that's awesome. My mom had another variation pinned on their fridge when they lived in Pa.
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OZZIE4DUKE
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This one is especially for Ima!

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » February 14th, 2010, 7:30 am

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady..

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...


Bless their little hearts! =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
Your paradigm of optimism

:9f: :9f: Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell! :9f: :9f:
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!

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Re: This one is especially for Ima!

Post by Very Duke Blue » February 14th, 2010, 10:02 am

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"



The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...


Bless their little hearts! =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
:Clap: :Clap: :Clap: =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » February 14th, 2010, 2:22 pm

A fine young country lad had just finished his undergrad degree from the University of Georgia and headed to Bahston to embark on his post-grad studies at Hahvahd. He wandered around campus for a while, lost as could be. He finally crossed paths with a highly intellectual appearing gent dressed in a tweed coat and smoking a pipe and politely asked him, in his finest Southern drawl, "Excuse me sir, could you please tell me where the library is at?"

The Ivy-leaguer fellow puffed on his pipe, tugged at his lapels and replied in his most distinguished tone, "At Hahvahd, we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

After a moment of thought, our new grad student re-phrased his query and said, "OK, could you please tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » February 19th, 2010, 7:18 pm

IT’S ELEMENTARY



Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retired for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot!" Holmes exclaimed, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » February 19th, 2010, 7:34 pm

devildeac wrote: "Watson, you idiot!" Holmes exclaimed, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
That's great...but too many big person words for me to memorize. I won't be retelling it any time soon. :))
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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » February 20th, 2010, 12:46 am

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
devildeac wrote: "Watson, you idiot!" Holmes exclaimed, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
That's great...but too many big person words for me to memorize. I won't be retelling it any time soon. :))
I love it! :)) :)) :)) :)) I too will need to print this out to repeat it successfully! =)) =)) =)) =))
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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » February 20th, 2010, 10:32 am

I'm copying and pasting to send out on my joke email lists, so some of you will see it there. At least you know where it came from...
Your paradigm of optimism

:9f: :9f: Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell! :9f: :9f:
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!

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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » February 24th, 2010, 11:21 pm

This one was sent to me by Cathy, so make believe she put up this post!
WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says

"Hi, my name is Rachel and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Rachel, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Rachel, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...


"Hi, my name is Brad, it's winter in Boone and I'm driving the


SALT TRUCK!"
Your paradigm of optimism

:9f: :9f: Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell! :9f: :9f:
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!

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