Jokes

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windsor
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Re: Jokes

Post by windsor » November 3rd, 2009, 8:47 am

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:Note: Picture of a beautiful woman at a fancy bar, probably drinking a martini, should be at the top of this joke, but it doesn't show up here.

2nd note: This is NOT to be taken personally by a certain lovely. ;) It is just a joke and does not represent my personal viewpoint. :D


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too."

Incoming (ducks into nearest foxhole and covers head)
All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost.
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CameronBornAndBred
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » November 3rd, 2009, 9:56 am

windsor wrote:
Incoming (ducks into nearest foxhole and covers head)
That's as funny as the joke itself. =))
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bjornolf
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Re: Jokes

Post by bjornolf » November 4th, 2009, 12:40 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
windsor wrote:
Incoming (ducks into nearest foxhole and covers head)
That's as funny as the joke itself. =))
Actually, I think it was funnier than the original joke. And it's true. I think we all just took a little mental step away from Ozzie and are waiting in uncomfortable silence.

%%-
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bjornolf
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Re: Jokes

Post by bjornolf » November 4th, 2009, 12:45 pm

My dad used to tell a joke that was pretty funny. I'll see if I remember it right.

Little Johnny comes running into the classroom late. Teacher asks him why he's late, and where his best friend Billy is.
"Billy's in the hospital!" Johnny says breathlessly.
"Oh no," responds the teacher, "what's wrong?"
"Well, we were playing down by the train tracks, and Billy went to put a rock on the rails to see what would happen if a train hit it. He didn't look like he was supposed to, and when he bent down to put the rock on the track, the 3:50 out of Tulsa came around the curve and hit him right in the ass!"
The teacher, horrified at Johnny's language, says, "Rectum, Johnny, rectum."
Johnny blurts out, "Wrecked him, hell! It damn near killed him!"

%%-
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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » November 8th, 2009, 12:19 am

Getting a job:



A Norwegian guy wants a job, but the foreman doesn't want to hire him and decides to make the Norwegian pass a "math" test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Norwegian
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Norwegian stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each of the three trees and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little pooch come along and did a number by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred... So, when I start?!"
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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CameronBornAndBred
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » November 8th, 2009, 8:14 am

devildeac wrote:So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred... So, when I start?!"
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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OZZIE4DUKE
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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » November 8th, 2009, 9:25 am

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
devildeac wrote:So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred... So, when I start?!"
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
That is brilliant! =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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Very Duke Blue
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Re: Jokes

Post by Very Duke Blue » November 8th, 2009, 9:27 am

=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) KADOOS foe the last several days of jokes. loved them. hate typing with one hand or i would have pw-ed everyone of them. ;;) :)) :))
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OZZIE4DUKE
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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » November 8th, 2009, 9:33 am

Very Duke Blue wrote:=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) KADOOS foe the last several days of jokes. loved them. hate typing with one hand or i would have pw-ed everyone of them. ;;) :)) :))
You gone ghetto on us? =)) =)) =))
Your paradigm of optimism

:9f: :9f: Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell! :9f: :9f:
9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F! 9F!
http://ecogreen.greentechaffiliate.com
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Very Duke Blue
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Re: Jokes

Post by Very Duke Blue » November 8th, 2009, 9:39 am

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:
Very Duke Blue wrote:=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) KADOOS foe the last several days of jokes. loved them. hate typing with one hand or i would have pw-ed everyone of them. ;;) :)) :))
You gone ghetto on us? =)) =)) =))
=)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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Very Duke Blue
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Re: Jokes

Post by Very Duke Blue » November 8th, 2009, 9:44 am

must get to post 500 today. ;;)
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Very Duke Blue
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Re: Jokes

Post by Very Duke Blue » November 8th, 2009, 10:47 am

i'm patiently waitin for the next joke. :!! :!! :!!
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Very Duke Blue
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Re: Jokes

Post by Very Duke Blue » November 8th, 2009, 1:19 pm

Very Duke Blue wrote:i'm patiently waitin for the next joke. :!! :!! :!!
still waiting. so, :!! :)
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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » November 8th, 2009, 3:41 pm

OZZIE4DUKE wrote:
Very Duke Blue wrote:=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) KADOOS foe the last several days of jokes. loved them. hate typing with one hand or i would have pw-ed everyone of them. ;;) :)) :))
You gone ghetto on us? =)) =)) =))
Good pick-up. :)) :)) =)) =))
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » November 11th, 2009, 7:36 pm

Three old grads from the Triangle's 3 major universities (yea, I'm stretching here a bit) were walking along the beach at Emerald Isle this summer when they saw a glimmer from the sand. They all reached over and pulled a metal object up, brushed it off and realized they had found an ancient lantern. A puff of smoke came out of the lantern and a genie appeared. As expected, the genie then asked the 3 fellows what they wanted for their 3 wishes. Of course, being unable to agree, the State, unc and DUKE grads continued to argue. The genie quickly intervened and said he was giving each one a single wish and asked who was first. The Wolfie squealed, "ooh, me first" and the genie agreed and asked what the wish was.

Our Wolfpack buddy gushed, "Jim Valvano was the best basketball coach ever and I wish him back on the sidelines at the RBC Center." The genie replied, "your wish is my command" and Jimmy V returned to coach the 'pack again.

"OK, who's next?" snarled the genie who was obviously already tired of the nonsense from these 3 knuckleheads.

The 'hole declared in his most haughty fashion, "I should be next." The genie acknowledged him and snapped, "what do you want?" Our pasty-blue clad beachcomber launched into one his programmed discourses about how he was tired of all the damn Yankees who came to chappaheeya, went to school or work there and never left. The genie, obviously disgusted with this load of :poo: said impatiently, "what's your wish, ram-breath?"

His reply was, "please build a wall around chappaheeya that is 40 feet high, 10 feet thick that has no entrance or exit."

The genie's quick and simply reply was, "done."

He turned to the Duke alum and said, "you got the 3rd wish. Whaddaya want?"

Not to be hurried, the DUKE fellow asked if he could get a couple things clarified. The genie was obviously tired of the process but agreed to answer a question or two.

"That wall you just built around chappaheeya is really 40 feet high?"

"Yea, yea, go on."

"And 10 feet thick?"

"Yea, yea, go on."

"And no one can get in or out?"

"YES, now what the hell do you want for the 3rd and final wish," the genie exploded.

"Fill it with cement."
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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CameronBornAndBred
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Re: Jokes

Post by CameronBornAndBred » November 11th, 2009, 7:39 pm

devildeac wrote: "Fill it with cement."
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
And by the way, excellently told! =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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devildeac
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Re: Jokes

Post by devildeac » November 11th, 2009, 7:44 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
devildeac wrote: "Fill it with cement."
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
And by the way, excellently told! =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
:D ;)
[redacted] them and the horses they rode in on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by cl15876 » November 11th, 2009, 9:02 pm

devildeac wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:
devildeac wrote: "Fill it with cement."
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
And by the way, excellently told! =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
:D ;)
I second that! :D ;)
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Very Duke Blue
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Re: Jokes

Post by Very Duke Blue » November 11th, 2009, 9:17 pm

devildeac wrote:
CameronBornAndBred wrote:
devildeac wrote: "Fill it with cement."
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
And by the way, excellently told! =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
:D ;)
Suppa,even ghetto girl understandes, I didn't have to ax questions. =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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OZZIE4DUKE
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Re: Jokes

Post by OZZIE4DUKE » November 11th, 2009, 11:32 pm

CameronBornAndBred wrote:
devildeac wrote: "Fill it with cement."
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
And by the way, excellently told! =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
I've always heard that joke with "fill it with water", but cement will do nicely! =))
Your paradigm of optimism

:9f: :9f: Go To Hell carolina! Go To Hell! :9f: :9f:
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